Kub933's Journal

[hunterad]

@Kub933

Hmm ok I see the bottom line of this is that I am not willing to change myself. This makes a lot of sense, why I would rather go on excursions, because then I get to remain intact as I am now and fool myself into an escape fantasy.

But to feel good each moment again for the rest of my life I have to change myself. Which is also why only returning to feeling good is insufficient. Am I understanding correctly?

In that me as I am now (if I was to remain like so) will forever experience those same ebbs and flows, I will remain in the 60/40 arrangement because this is what I am willing to allow.

So in order to move from the 60/40 arrangement to feeling good in all circumstances and at all times, I do have to change myself, in terms of ‘my’ beliefs, attitudes, habits, values, dreams, fantasies etc?

All of those things cannot remain as they are if I expect things to be different. Which is to say the Kuba who feels good for 23h 59m a day would be a vastly different person to the who that I am now.

This is pretty interesting. Thinking about this in myself it seems like a sort of compartmentalization, where I compartmentalize my feeling bad away into certain times of day or certain settings. It does seem like it’s fundamentally about avoiding the need to change, if I can change the location/timing of my bad feelings, I don’t need to fundamentally change (that’s the trick I play on myself).