So re-reading some of my correspondence with Vineeto I came across the below :
To succeed, you will have to dare to care, to care so deeply that you dare to do something, to allow something to happen, that has never happened to you before. This aspect of it is an immense daring and hence it needs a deep and abiding caring – and then, in the blink of an eye, you are here, here where you belong.
I have been quite gobsmacked (although no longer fearful) at what the last step entails, that without mincing words it is proceeding towards ‘my’ death. And the square quotes are used so that it makes sense but really it is the end of the entity writing these words, the end of my life. It’s like how on earth would I allow something so radical as the end of my life.
So indeed it will take an immense daring sourced in a deep and abiding caring. But what I see now (and I already dipped into this a while back) is that I have been aiming at the wrong target, not a genuine target.
To cut it short I have been aiming my caring towards other identities, towards ‘humanity’. And of course this can only have the effect of keeping ‘me’ chained to ‘humanity’. ‘I’ cannot sacrifice ‘myself’ for other identities or for ‘humanity’. The target and the beneficiaries of ‘my’ supreme sacrifice are the actually existing flesh and blood bodies.
And just as well because I have always struggled to care of other identites, after-all I know how rotten ‘I’ am and how rotten ‘we’ are, how could I have this deep and abiding caring for such entities?
Then there are times when I glimpse those actually existing flesh and blood bodies, I see that they have nothing at all to do with the identities which have taken residence inside their bodies. And whenever I experience that genuine target - those actually existing flesh and blood bodies - then it is seen that it is indeed worth sacrificing myself for their benefit. Those bodies are actually innocent in all this, and it is ‘me’ and ‘humanity’ that is keeping those bodies in bondage.