Some more wonderful experiences are going on this morning, I woke up and experienced that flavour of the burden of ‘being’, of existing across the past - present - future as an identity, of existing in a cell of ‘my’ own making, of living out the “story of ‘my’ life”. But now I can see that there is an alternative, that ‘I’ can cease ‘being’, that ‘I’ don’t have to carry that burden anymore, it’s so simple!
Because only ‘I’ exist across the past - present - future, this flesh and blood body does not, it is not coming from anywhere or going somewhere, it only exists here where this moment is happening, and it is the doing of what is happening.
Before there was always this sense that ‘I’ had to muster a wanting to cease ‘being’, perhaps to overcome the strength of ‘my’ survival instincts, there was some kind of an internal struggle going on, with the wanting to cease ‘being’ on one hand and the drive to survive at all cost on the other.
But this morning I am solidly experiencing that ‘I’ do indeed want to cease ‘being’, not in a sense of mustering anything, rather that it is simply what ‘I’ want. It is the end of all struggle, of all suffering, of all sorrow and malice.
‘I’ realise that ‘I’ am happy to give up the “story of ‘my’ life”, that it is not worth keeping anymore. It only ever brought pain and conflict.
But what I am constantly amazed by is that the destination is right under my nose, this body is already here, everything is already in place, ‘I’ simply have to disappear.
As I was contemplating all this a few minutes ago I saw the ‘imprint’ that is ‘me’, that this will be erased. This ‘imprint’ of ‘being’ it is painful in itself somehow, that as long as ‘I’ am ‘being’ ‘I’ will suffer.
It’s fascinating why this is so? Why is it that ‘being’ is suffering? I saw it just a moment ago ‘I’ was sat right there and seen to be nothing but suffering. That the very flavour of ‘being’ is suffering. ‘I’ am like a hot coal that is tightly grasped for no good reason at all.
And this sense that the hot coal must be grasped, it is like a commandment - the very thrust of the survival instincts and also reinforced by society. This commandment carries this seemingly all powerful authority, that it is the 1 thing ‘I’ am never ever allowed to go against. But then I have already seen ‘behind the curtains’ of both blind nature and society, this authority has been exposed for a furphy.
Hehe there is a conversation which Vineeto quoted a while back which just popped into my mind :
RICHARD: There is no cure to be found in the ‘real world’ … only never-ending ‘band-aid’ solutions.
VINEETO: The devastation is enormous and the only way ‘out’ is ‘self’-sacrifice.
RICHARD: Yet it is the instinct for survival that got you and me and every other body here in the first place. We peoples living today are the end-point of myriads of survivors passing on their genes … we are the product of the ‘success story’ of fear and aggression and nurture and desire. Is one really going to abandon that which produced one … that which (apparently) keeps one alive?
Do you recall those conversations we had about loyalty (familial and group loyalty) (link) back when you and I first met … and what was required to crack that code?
That was chicken-feed compared with this one. [Emphasis added]. (Richard, AF List, Vineeto, 30 Sep 1999)
So yes I can see this now, there is the loyalty to the human constitution which in itself is no little thing to crack, and yet there is the loyalty to the human condition (to suffering) which does make the prior look like chicken-feed.