Yes I see this now, it makes clear why ‘I’ was running into that “invisible wall” over and over in an attempt to ‘go somewhere’, it is ‘me’ trying to take ‘myself’ into actuality. This was the point which took the longest to sink in, that ‘I’ do not ‘go somewhere’, ‘I’ stay still until ‘my’ full exposure happens, it is when ‘I’ become extinct that there is only the stillness left, the destination was here all along.
That apperceptive seeing which took place last night is “swishing around” currently, it was a big one! It seems that currently it is still at a slight distance from ‘me’, in that there is the seeing just ‘over there’ and then there is ‘me’ as ‘I’ am. What I mean is that it has not fully and completely sunk in that this “crude and blind instinctual programming” is ‘me’ as ‘I’ am. It is like this slightest distancing which allows ‘me’ to remain. But it seems like ‘I’ cannot distance ‘myself’ for long, this is what ‘I’ mean by this seeing “swishing around”.
Or I guess it is more accurate to say that ‘I’ have turned the apperceptive seeing into a realisation, hence the distance and the “swishing around”.
What I do see though, and this is also big, is that ‘I’ don’t have to push towards ‘my’ self-immolation, and neither is it something ‘I’ do, it is ‘my’ full exposure that makes it inevitable. And now ‘I’ am willing to be exposed, because ‘I’ have seen the very core of ‘me’. There is confidence that it cannot go wrong, that it is ultimately safe for ‘me’ to be exposed, and for this exposure to end ‘me’.