Kuba: Things have been going so marvellously, I can’t quite believe the words I am typing out and yet this is precisely how I am experiencing being alive more and more. Yesterday for the majority of the day it was like this. The word that kept coming to my mind was that the entire world, including myself is a perfect and pure jewel of unadulterated delight.
And the word “jewel” is quite apt because it is exactly like that, in that the light shines through freely, highlighting the utter perfection of it all. The same thing happens to the whole world including myself when the ‘grimy’ energy of ‘me’ is out of the way, revealing the perfection that is all around, through and through.
At times I thought maybe I had become actually free and missed it, that is how perfect and pure it was. But each time I was able to find that %00.01 that still remained of ‘me’.
Having woken up in the morning now there is that usual flood of affect that typically fades away pretty soon, but even so it seems that this perfection and purity does not leave me alone!It is all around still and it visited me again in full flavour as I was having a cigarette in the garden, all of a sudden the world is once more that perfect and pure jewel.
I spent the majority of the day yesterday driving around job to job through the English countryside, it was a glorious day and I can truly say that I was having the time of my life, in awe at this wonderful world that we live in. At times I was gobsmacked at the sheer delight of it all, I thought surely it cannot get more brilliant than this, and then there was more!
And indeed this is better than a PCE because it is clear that the actual world is not an experience, as Srinath wrote it is our “rock solid inheritance”, it is where this body, that body and everybody actually exist. So there is the imminence and inevitability of landing irrevocably in this world, that eventually I will turn around and the door back to ‘reality’ will disappear, it will have never existed in the first place, there will be nothing or ‘no-one’ to go back to. So this fear of “I am not good enough” was a furphy, because ‘I’ will not be around to decide such things😆
When I arrived at my second hen party yesterday I was able to interact with the group in a way that I never knew was possible. It was everything ‘I’ have ever wanted, to be able to be fun and playful, to have nothing of me hidden, and yet for it to be so safe for all. And the group appreciated this immensely, they couldn’t stop mentioning it!
So this left me with utter confidence that actual freedom is beneficial in every regard, there is no draw back. When ‘I’ disappear there is nothing missing, it’s not like someone has removed a piece of hardware from a system and now the operations have to be re-routed, it’s more like someone has deleted a virus😆.
Without ‘me’ this body has this organic integrity, it is all so seamless, how it should be.
It was great that I was able to confirm for myself that it is safe to proceed towards the perfection and purity both with regards to the physical world and to my interactions with my fellow human beings. In both cases the outcome is just marvellous in every regard. Yesterday I called it the “gift that keeps on giving”, except there is no cap to it, there is just more and more. (link)
Hi Kuba,
Your reports are becoming more and more marvellous and mirificent. And you describe that you have finally and irrevocably given yourself permission that it doesn’t matter if ‘you’ are ‘good enough’ or not because ‘you’ will gladly go into oblivion when ‘you’ are ready.
I am curious what it is which causes this “usual flood of affect”? Does the content of the affect give you any information before it “typically fades away”? Is it a seed from the last thought/feeling before going to sleep or something else?
Whatever it is, it is not something to worry or even search if the answer is not obvious because it will happen anyway. I particular like your description that “indeed this is better than a PCE because it is clear that the actual world is not an experience” because that was also ‘Vineeto’s’ experience in ‘her’ last days. It is dynamic, not static like a PCE.
Also when you say “there is the imminence and inevitability of landing irrevocably in this world” you are clearly reporting from the perspective of actuality, and as Richard described, you can’t distinguish if ‘you’ are doing it or if it is happening to ‘you’ –
Respondent No. 94: In my opinion you have to meet the dragons on their own turf.
Richard: As neither the dragons nor their turf are actual you do not have to do anything of the sort: just one short step and !poof! it is all over, done with, finished … the end. ‘Twas all an illusion/ delusion … I have been here, all along, simply having a ball. (Richard, AF List, No. 94a, 31 Dec 2005a)
Respondent: How short is that step?
Richard: That step is of an unmeasurable shortness due to an incapacity to distinguish between ‘me’ doing it and it happening to ‘me’ … as mentioned only recently in an e-mail to another:
• [Richard]: ‘… one has to want it like one has never wanted anything else before … so much so that all the instinctual passionate energy of desire, normally frittered away on petty desires, is fuelling and impelling/ propelling one into this thing and this thing only (‘impelling’ as in a pulling from the front and ‘propelling’ as in being pushed from behind). There is a ‘must’ to it (one must do it/it must happen) and a ‘will’ to it (one will do it/ it will happen) and one is both driven and drawn until there is an inevitability that sets in. Now it is unstoppable and all the above ceases of its own accord … one is unable to distinguish between ‘me’ doing it and it happening to ‘me’.
One has escaped one’s fate and achieved one’s destiny’. (Richard, AF List, Rick, 4 Jan 2006).
[Emphasis added]. (Richard, AF List, No. 106, 4 Jan 2006).
Cheers Vineeto