Vineeto: I am immensely pleased that you discovered “some kind of a resistance coming from ‘me’ because it is this “resistance” which is fuelling the weirdness.
Kuba: Yes I can see this clearly now, before it seems ‘I’ had split ‘myself’ off somewhat, in that there was ‘me’ wanting to proceed and then the “weirdness” appeared to be something other than ‘me’ that was blocking ‘me’, and yet this “weirdness” is being generated by ‘me’, that resistance is ‘me’.
Essentially there is some part of ‘me’ that is working overtime to sustain this drama, to stop ‘me’ from proceeding where ‘I’ wish to go. Catching onto the absurdity of this whole thing yesterday did something, because why would ‘I’ fight where pure intent is pulling ‘me’ when that is exactly what ‘I’ yearn for. I remember Peter writing that ‘I’ am a passionate protector of absolutely nothing at all, it’s a bit like that.
It seems there must be something that ‘I’ am still hiding though, something that ‘I’ am prepared to continue suffering for in order to keep it hidden. It feels as if pure intent is exposing ‘my’ best kept secret and ‘I’ am not ready for it to be divulged. That if it is to be exposed ‘I’ will be left so vulnerable and open to the world that ‘I’ will not be able to function.
I wonder is the “secret” to do with the fact that ‘I’ am a fraud, and ‘I’ have always been a fraud. Because this rawness feels like this, it’s as if ‘I’ am going out to the world and screaming ‘my’ deepest secrets for everyone to know, and then ‘I’ just stand there with nowhere to hide.
Hi Kuba,
It’s worse than that – ‘your’ secret is that ‘you’ do not exist in actuality. And you already know it, hence the hesitancy to admit it.
Kuba: But there is this other component to it, of why ‘I’ am always inclined to ‘do’ something, it is this deep feeling/belief that it is not enough to be me as-I-am. It’s interesting because I left school about 13 years ago and yet still to this day I have the same recurring dream of being back. When I moved from Poland to England at 12 it was a big shock for me, so much so that I completely shut myself off from everybody, for years I would not speak any more than a yes/no and I had absolutely no friends or social life of any description. The way I eventually climbed out of this hole was by getting into sports and “buying my way” into ‘being normal’ with achievements. But it seems this left a very deep and lasting impression on ‘me’. This sense that ‘I’ absolutely cannot exist without being ‘someone in particular’ with ‘something to offer’.
It doesn’t really matter, why – not a single person likes to be a nobody – and yet it is soo delicious.
Kuba: You wrote the other day if ‘I’ could give a guarantee that if ‘my’ question was resolved to ‘my’ satisfaction that ‘I’ would give ‘myself’ up there and then. It looks to me that whatever the root of this resistance is (and I am not yet sure what it is), it has the capacity to do that exactly.
The root of this resistance are your very survival instincts – ‘you’ don’t want to go extinct, despite ‘your’ yearning for oblivion.
It’s very understandable but by your own reporting you can hardly maintain yourself any longer.
Richard: With apperception operating more or less continuously in ‘my’ day-to day life, ‘I’ find it harder and harder to maintain credibility. ‘I’ am increasingly seen as the usurper, an alien entity inhabiting this body and taking on an identity of its own. Mercilessly exposed in the bright light of awareness - apperception casts no shadows - ‘I’ can no longer find ‘my’ position tenable. ‘I’ can only live in obscuration, where ‘I’ lurk about, creating all sorts of mischief. ‘My’ time is speedily coming to an end, ‘I’ can barely maintain ‘myself’ any longer.
The day finally dawns when … (Richard’s Journal, Article Eighteen).
Vineeto: What a fascinating thrilling time you are having, traversing “this “desert of monumental proportions”” and yet knowing with utter certainty that you are “proceeding towards my destiny”, and that there is “absolutely nothing in that direction to go back to”.
Reading all this I was wondering if you perhaps are deeply influenced by these particular descriptions of Richard’s Journal – he was after all drawing from his experience of coming out of Spiritual Enlightenment /institutionalized insanity – such that they are what is now happening to you, especially as you also noticed that “it can switch (and yo-yo) in a matter of seconds – where now all of a sudden it’s as if none of that ever happened, and back and forth like that.”
Kuba: Yes I am most likely deeply influenced by these descriptions but I wonder now if I have somewhat appropriated this drama in order to justify/ validate this resistance. That there is clearly something in ‘me’ that is not yet fully ready to proceed and so ‘I’ can make it seem legitimate by framing it in line with those descriptions. Which if this is the case that is great news haha, because it means it can be way easier than ‘I’ have been making it!
Ah, that’s what I was thinking. 
Kuba: But I cannot seem to shake this sense that it is to do with this deep fear of it not being enough to be me as-I-am. I remember watching one of the DVDs and a woman (I think Pamela or Grace) mentions how Richard would sit and look out the window for hours – this was like ‘my’ worst nightmare How could ‘I’ spend all that time and not ‘do’ something or ‘be’ someone, ‘my’ whole being would resist this.
I can understand that but this worry, as I said before, is beyond ‘your’ territory and a distraction. Remember what children get up to when they don’t want to go to bed? ‘You’ don’t want to go extinct.
Vineeto: ‘Vineeto’ deeply felt it many times in ‘her’ life, from the first moment when ‘she’ fell unconscious (due to low blood-pressure at the time). There was something so sweet, so enticing, so attractive, in those seconds before unconsciousness set in and similar in following events
Kuba: Yes that is interesting because I have had the same experience when for example I have been weight lifting heavy and would go light headed, it was obviously not a PCE and yet there was something so delicious in ‘me’ getting to disappear for a bit and yet the awareness of being alive continuing.
So you know this delicious feeling of taking a rest of ‘me’ … you can lean into that, that’s really what ‘I’ want, have a rest forever …
Kuba: [Edit] It seems those stories of it not being enough to be me as-I-am are furphies (link)
Ha, I am glad you can see that 
Cheers Vineeto