Oh my goodness it makes sense now! I took the incorrect assumption that those experiences were actuality and then understanding that ‘I’ cannot self-immolate from a PCE ‘I’ banished ‘myself’ from those experiences, the only place ‘I’ could go back to was ‘my’ identity of the hard worker, of the problem-resolver. I banished myself from remaining where it is so magical for no good reason at all, and hence I entered a “parenthesis period” that lasted months!
I wrote last September in this post :
Kuba: And it is this ‘very strange’ aspect that I cannot put into words but it is beyond wonderful to experience. How is it that I am having experiences where it is as if ‘I’ and ‘reality’ never existed in the first place, where the actual world is simply the only thing in existence, where it has always been like this and it could not be any other way.
And yet there is the memory (fading though) of ‘my’ life and of ‘reality’, did it ever exist? The weirdest thing is that this can flip in a matter of seconds, as in 1 moment ‘I’ exist and do ‘my’ thing and then the next it’s as if ‘I’ never existed in the first place.
It’s like some weird amnesia and I find myself yo-yoing between these, but the whole thing is utterly safe, there is not even a trace of fear or resistance to this, it’s such a delight to experience myself like this.
It seems the most wonderful thing about actuality is that it is all there is! Seeing this brings a safety and a completeness that has to be experienced to be known, it is indeed beyond ‘my’ wildest dreams.
@Vineeto you replied that :
What a marvellous wondrous ride indeed!
Are you perhaps wondering – in “seeing this brings a safety and a completeness” – why you would want to continue to “flip in a matter of seconds” ?
Is it because … perchance … there is still one job to do ?
The last job … to give permission … to allow it to happen … forevermore … irrevocably …
How I mistook that advice… for that permission was to be given from those very experiences because these were NOT PCEs, these were experiences of the near-innocence of naiveté itself. They were experiences where actuality was always immanent but these were not PCEs.