So things are definitely shaping up to be magical today, I remember Srinath wrote a while back that he was attracted to actualism because it seemed to provide this sense of magic that was removed by the cold mechanical understanding of the world that ‘he’ had as an adult. How amazing that the mystery can be removed and yet the wonder is only magnified.
I am reminded of what Richard wrote that he would not change a single thing about the universe and that the universe is wondrously able to give birth to this body, to sustain it and eventually to end it also. This puts the last nail in the coffin with regards to any resentment against physical death.
For if the embryo of a fly is so wondrously complex in it’s happenings then what is this body! The perpetual matter of the infinite and eternal universe has managed (through breathtaking complexity) to arrange itself into a living, thinking and apperceptively aware creature known as a human being, as this creature the universe is aware of itself - where is the thing that is going ‘wrong’ again? 
Of course ‘I’ am the thing that is wrong because ‘I’ am forever separated from all this wondrous happening.
Coming so close to self-immolation yesterday it has been of course the first thing on my mind this morning, it really seemed like it was about to happen, in fact that it began happening already and ‘I’ pulled back somehow. This thing of “it is too good to be true” seemed to be ‘my’ way back, ‘I’ darted through the door just as it was closing behind ‘me’.
But this “too good to be true” has exposed something about ‘me’, in that ‘I’ am still treating self-immolation as if some lucky draw of a lottery, something that will be granted to ‘me’ if ‘I’ am lucky enough to tick some invisible box. It does have some flavour of a peasant mentality - “please lord, I have done all that you have asked, gift ‘me’ deliverance now”.
I remember Geoffrey saying that if he was to become an identity he would take 5 minutes to check out what it’s like (presumably for the benefit of others) and then simply self-immolate.
So what a difference, here ‘I’ am treating it as if ‘I’ have to win the lottery and yet it seems that it would be an easily repeatable occurrence. Of course this is usually the case once the unknown is known, for example I know exactly what I did to step out from control yet back then it was not possible to know. But just because it is unknown does not mean it is achieved by luck or that it is intrinsically difficult.
As I experience it now there is a magical world all around, of which this body is an inhabitant. That magical flavour is as much in the tress and the birds as the very stuff of this body. So indeed as Srinath wrote it is impossible to miss when the target is as large as the universe. So of course it cannot be a lucky draw, because it is the universe that is infinite and ‘me’ that is so very small.
It seems that the certainty that would have ‘me’ self-immolate now could be used with complete reliability every time if needed, this is how sure ‘I’ need to be.