Vineeto: Now that the “high achiever” met the end of ‘his’ career, ‘self’-centricity can drop away like a redundant cloak and deep caring for the plight of your fellow human beings will do the rest.
Kuba: Yes and in fact just this morning when I was reading your reply to Claudiu and contemplating what was being spoken about I located this self-centricity … It was right there along with the competitiveness, the resentment, the “I’m not good enough”, the dirtiness. Like a blanket that ‘I’ cast out over life, I saw that this condition is intrinsically painful.
I saw that without this self-centricity there is such sweetness, such freedom, such delight. There is very much this sense that the universe happening in all its splendour and complexity is so much bigger than ‘me’.
I have had intimations of this condition before, that without a fixed point of reference, without a ‘me’ at the centre of existence there is such perfection and ease. It seems though that ‘I’ cannot possibly ‘be’ that. ‘I’ automatically coalesce into this ‘fixed point off reference’ at the centre of everything. This is what is painful, ‘I’ arrogate responsibility over life and turn it into a severe and solemn endeavour.
To try to ‘be’ that condition of freedom ‘I’ would have to go back into the sudorific quests, into the high achiever, ‘I’ would have to attempt escaping away from what ‘I’ am as a self. Indeed ‘I’ am backed right into a corner here .
Hi Kuba,
Goodness me, have you resurrected the problem-creator to please the problem-solver? Luckily it is only short-lived when I read on.
Kuba: There was very much a sense that I would gladly die for this
Vineeto: Once you change the last sentence to “I will gladly die for this” it will be happening.
Kuba: Ah that is great to hear, because I know that the sincere intent is in place. I have often thought that there is nothing more ‘I’ could possibly generate. It is just that ‘I’ have been treating it all as a “maybe”. That sincere intent to bring about peace on earth is in place but ‘I’ have been hoping that it would happen to ‘me’. So it is in ‘my’ hands and ‘my’ hands alone, ‘I’ do not have to wait for something to descend upon ‘me’. And of course that makes sense! How could ‘I’ make that once in a lifetime decision to altruistically sacrifice ‘myself’ by waiting for something else to make the decision for ‘me’.
Indeed. There is only one act left for ‘you’ to do, no other tasks but this one. And with the experience of “such sweetness, such freedom, such delight”, “splendour and complexity” pure intent is right here to give you all the confidence you need.
Kuba: haha now ‘I’ am backed even more into the corner! [reading this back it’s incredible that this is experienced without any fear, just the thrill and the sweetness]
You must like being in the corner. I don’t see that you are in a corner. It’s a wide-open playground to dance and celebrate. You are seeing the facts very clearly (even though you might pretend not to) and now there is only action.
Kuba: I am reminded of what you wrote to Claudiu :
Vineeto: At this point even the “how will I do it?" is a distraction/ an excuse for putting it off – and I say this from ‘Vineeto’s’ experience. When you say !YES! with your whole being, it is no longer a question of ‘how’.
There is only action and the sweetness of pure intent to have it happen.
(do you ask ‘how’ before you jump over a rivulet or before you open a window or crack an egg for breakfast?)
Kuba: Indeed when I crack an egg for breakfast ‘I’ am not waiting for something to descend upon ‘me’, ‘I’ am not wishing for how it would happen. To cut the long story short it can only be the doing of it now and ‘I’ am the one responsible for the action which brings about ‘my’ self immolation.
This business does get extremely experiential towards the end, and actually I am glad that it is so! That ‘I’ actually get to do it. This is being right on the frontline of being alive. Ha what a difference from ‘observing without attachment’ .
Ha, and nobody else can do it for you and how perfect is that.
Yes, it is vital, exuberant, vibrant, thrilling without fear, full of sweetness and delight – the moment you have been waiting for, working towards, the crowning achievement of ‘your’ existence, when ‘your’ deepest longing for oblivion and the universe’s stream of benignity and benevolence for once happen in unison and you leave your ‘self’ behind.
Enjoy.
Cheers Vineeto