The above has been on my mind a lot lately, I realise that what I have been doing is actually the harder way. This habit I have of finding problems so that I can resolve them got ‘me’ trying to measure up to actuality. So not only did ‘I’ have the burden of ‘being’ to begin with but now ‘I’ was also setting ‘myself’ the task of ‘being’ as pure and perfect as actuality is - first of all an impossibility but also way harder than it has to be.
It clicked yesterday that it is actually way easier, because all ‘I’ have to do is die, ‘I’ don’t have to concern ‘myself’ at all with how this body will behave in actuality. ‘I’ dont have to worry about ‘being’ that pure and perfect.
What seemed like a curse (in that ‘I’ can never get to actuality) has since been seen as a blessing, because how on earth could ‘I’ ever make ‘myself’ that pure. No matter how many problems ‘I’ solve ‘I’ will remain rotten. What a pressure to take off to realise that ‘I’ will be left right at the door marked “Terra actualis”.
So now it’s just the easier task of dying 
dying still rotten, as I should be as a feeling being. It is all how it should be in the end, for if ‘I’ was to get ‘my’ wish granted and be able to enter actuality ‘I’ would suffer right through it all, ‘I’ can never live and act how this body is capable of when freed from ‘me’.