So the Bodhisattva saga continues. I had a rather long and intense interaction with @Felix yesterday and it has been on my mind since.
How is it that 2 clearly well meaning individuals can nevertheless ‘lock horns’ despite the best intentions.
It is clear that whatever ‘battling’ was going on was primarily happening on the level of vibes and psychic power play, which makes it that much harder to initially spot and properly outline.
I have been trying to get to the bottom of just exactly ‘I’ was putting out that was ‘dirty’. What I have been outlining since is quite slippery because it hides behind the intention/identity of ‘helping others’ but really it is just another form of belonging.
Last night I noticed that this is exactly what I always observed in my mum. Just as @emp mentioned it is an identity that says “look I am useful because I can offer help”. I noticed that all my life I always wanted to exceed in whatever I did but only so that those achievements could be immediately fed back into this very identity, of securing ‘my’ place in the group by having something apparently useful to offer. So of course ‘I’ would like to be proud of ‘my’ achievements as then ‘I’ could offer them up as ‘my’ wisdom and so remain useful.
I can see that this identity is inevitably felt (on an intuitive level) to be ‘getting something’ out of the offer for help, and so this will be experienced by the ‘other’ as being drawn into some kind of a psychic power play. In fact ‘I’ might even look for problems only so that ‘I’ can offer solutions, and in this way ‘I’ can belong. This is the ‘dirty’ part of it, what I observe in my mum and what leads to an addiction of ‘finding’ (manufacturing) problems so that a ‘solution’ can be offered, only as a means to ensure ‘my’ continued belonging.
It’s the kind of identity that can get ‘me’ right up to the doors marked self-immolation but ‘I’ will never walk through. There is just way too much stock being placed in remaining a member of ‘humanity’. This seems like the bed rock of what ‘Kuba’ is as an identity, it seems the thing has now begun unravelling though. I can see that remaining a member of ‘humanity’ only to continue ‘assisting others’ (which cannot work cleanly anyways) is like enjoying martyrdom, it’s so much painful work and for what. So any proceeding forward has a personal agenda in it, in that ‘my’ whole life ‘I’ have functioned in a framework of ‘find wisdom → share wisdom’. Where ‘I’ simply cannot even contemplate going somewhere without this agenda of coming back with something to offer. The priorities are back to front, which is that much more difficult to pinpoint because it appears selfless.
I can see how this tendency has always sapped fun from various activities, for example in BJJ, as soon as I would develop some new way of doing a technique or what have you, I would immediately begin obsessing over how to teach it to others. It was always felt like an obligation/responsibility, that I was not allowed to keep it for myself. This tendency was one of the longest standing ones that I had to chip away at. It seemed as if things could not be enjoyed unless they were shared with others. But really it looks like the whole thing is just a ploy to cover up the fear of proceeding somewhere completely on ‘my’ own, without the safety of the group.
This whole thing reminds me of Richard’s observation that if “one is driven by some force (no matter how good), then one is not actually free”
@Felix mentioned that he was happy to share that private correspondence, @claudiu is there a way to straightforwardly export a DM thread into a forum thread or would it have to be copied message by message?