Some more notes on how things are going, and they are going so wonderfully. It is clear that something shifted recently, things have gone onto a whole other gear. The enjoyment and appreciation which I am experiencing is of a different kind, it seems anhedonic in nature, it is the direct experience of the perfection and purity which is all around, or perhaps it is filtered by ‘me’ but so very slightly that it is impossible to tell.
It’s as if some last barrier has been removed and now my experience is almost constantly suffused with this magical sweetness or this fairytale like quality. I notice that there is no resistance from ‘me’ anymore. I remember in the past there was always a fear to allow the perfection and purity, this is simply no longer the case, perhaps that is the ‘last barrier’ which went. Now I am so happily allowing it and delighting in it, I was looking for a good word to describe the quality of my ongoing experiencing and something Peter wrote came to mind - it is ambrosial!
And it seems I cannot get away from it (neither would I want to haha), it is a rock solid foundation. It is this quiet contentment at being here, and it is tasted in anything and everything, as Richard wrote :
Life is intrinsically purposeful, the reason for existence lies openly all around. Being this very air I live in, I am constantly aware of it as I breathe it in and out; I see it, I hear it, I taste it, I smell it, I touch it, all of the time. It never goes away – nor has it ever been away
I can experience this fairy tale like existence and I can see that it is already complete, there is no space for ‘me’. And yet ‘I’ still have 1 very important job to do, I can see now what Richard meant that he owed all that he lived to ‘me’, because indeed ‘I’ have a very important role to play, ‘I’ am the one to cheerfully and willingly self-immolate and thus make way for the perfection and purity.
I have never seen this from this angle before, I always saw it as something ‘I’ have to resentfully ‘get over and done with’. But it is not so, ‘I’ am very much needed in order to actualise what the universe intends. It makes ‘my’ petty life all worth it in the end, ‘I’ can gladly sacrifice ‘myself’ to allow this perfect destiny, ‘I’ can go out in a blaze of glory.
So it’s not that ‘I’ have to do it, ‘I’ get to do it, ‘I’ get to grant this gift and ‘I’ am the only one who can grant it.