Report on the last few days:
On Jan 24, the fear returned, albeit as “object-less”. Being it (sincerity), I came to see as it as the whole sexual identity being afraid of dying (a sort of ‘reproductive death’). I sat with the barrenness without retreating back to hope[1].
The next day, the fear’s gone. Later that day, I rediscovered naiveté (being naive), as an ongoing way of being, as reported here:
As a result of this, and stemming from the newly discovered naive autonomy to the core, I began experiencing a mounting appreciation of all that happens (e.g.: I was marvelling shopping for eggs and such in the grocery store later that day). This was being constantly experienced as a ‘buzz’ - which reminded me of a similar experience (albeit onlly briefly that day, due to absence of sufficient sincerity back then) back in 14 Nov, 2024:
14 Nov, 2024
Syd: I finally discovered (during a shower on Nov 7) that *appreciating* feeling good has the effect of instantly making me feel great. This appreciation feels like a constant (affective) buzz around being here right now. Even right now, as I write this, this buzz also incorporates a very sensate ambiance (the colours and brilliance of the visual ambiance in particular). Interestingly, nowadays I rarely find myself fatigued at the end of the day.
AF person[2]: Now you got the knack! That’s it – appreciation is the factor that multiplies feeling good and really invites pure intent to ‘take charge’, so to speak. What you describe as a ‘buzz’ is the very life-force of pure intent, benignant, tender, benevolent in its very essence and sometimes experienced as sweetness and gentleness.
Like back then, I was quite energetic the whole day; as well as went to bed later than usual despite waking up refreshed. I would characterize this as enjoying & appreciating or feeling excellent. It resulted directly from appreciating and revelling in an ongoing success in regards to being naive … and naively autonomous at that. Regarding this ‘buzz’, for some reason it also reminds me of Q’s “I’m orgastic all the time.” from here; I don’t know if it is the same, but like her I don’t need orgasm either when being this. 
The next day, the familiar “morning resentment” would arise (much less intense these days) and I’d readily get back to feeling good. Eventually (after looking at boredom) I found my way back to that enjoyment & appreciation or feeling excellent. This would then diminish later in the day, thus suggesting that I’m still in the process of teasing out all the “post-arousal mechanisms” or the aforementioned “everything else” (shades of hope being a big one, but also social beliefs). I learned two things here today:
- If I’m feeling bad for anything more than say a minute, it is because I was either ignoring or transcending feelings (as Vineeto mentioned here), sometimes even using a past memory of success, thus fighting or fleeing from “my” feelings (i.e., being dissociated).
- Once I acknowledge the feeling and be those feelings (forgetting about how it all ‘ought’ to be), then I can easily get back to feeling good.
- Even when I’m no longer feeling excellent, there’s now the comfortable baseline of ‘feeling good’ to appreciate and continue the exploration.
Also, while investigating those “post-arousal mechanisms”, I began seeing the appeal of sensuousity … like, it seems to be a “natural next thing” in the process**.** While this is still an ongoing investigation, it seems to me that even these ‘naive feelings’ can be a bit of trap - and there is an increasing desire to simply sensuosly enjoy beng here, even in preference to … umm … that aforementioned ‘hedonic pleasure’ associated with sexual arousal. Interestingly, this doesn’t mean I have to become reclusive, for I can still be responsive (rather than hopeful) to the world of people, things and events. I can see that I don’t have to get entangled in hopes and dreams; and can simply take life as it comes by. Be fresh, each moment, basically. This stuff is pretty radical, in a way!
" R: … couldn’t go into hope again … and you sat there and realised that you were to simply sit in this starkness, this barrenness, and not move in any direction whatever. Not move psychologically, I mean. That is; emotionally or mentally. That is very, very important – not to move." Something Has Definitely Changed In Me ↩︎
Actually-free person. If they give me permission to share contents from our private correspondence, I’d be happy to use their name here. ↩︎