Journal de Henry

Journals
302

5|20|22

What I can do is, separate out the sensible from the desire.

It’s not necessarily silly to date this or that girl.

But it may be silly to date a particular girl that I desire. So the desire can be removed as guidance.

It is either silly or sensible.

I think something big in all this is like, ‘what do I do in the meantime’

It’s easy to slip into fantasizing about desires

and feeling bad that I’m not doing anything to realize them, right now.

If I can do something to realize something, great!

If I can’t, then, well…

Doesn’t make much sense to feel bad about that

I can give myself some credit, too. I’ve been doing more lately to actually make things happen.

This is where the action is - actual people, places, & events. Dreaming doesn’t accomplish anything.

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303

This is me right now:

Like an addict repeatedly saying “one last time”, it may take a while before you find your own ‘rock bottom’ moment, before you’ve had enough of the intoxicating mess that is the real world, that is ‘you’ and make a decision to be done with the whole sorry lot. Simultaneously there is this pull into the actual world, from your connection to pure intent that comes about thorugh EE and PCE experiences.

From Simpleactualism.com

304

My repeated & bullheaded refusal to drop emotions around girls have cast into relief for me the utter simplicity of actual freedom & the method

It’s literally just enjoying this moment of being alive, appreciating this moment of being alive

It’s very obvious that when I’m caught in the web I’m very much not doing that, it’s obvious what there is to do… I just haven’t gotten to the point where I’m willing to release the emotion.

And then toward the end it’s, “I do this because I care about them more than I care about ‘me.’”

That awareness has been moving things for me today.

As long as it’s just for me, why would I stop? I just want what I want.

But “I just want what I want” is so obviously damaging to them. Ok, then I do something about it

It’s so simple. It’s like, if a fence is busted, you go fix the fence.

If I’m being selfish, causing a ruckus, then I go delete the self

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This was a new concept to me! That is very interesting. What do you mean by that henryyyyyy ? Meaning Fully and Deeply feeling the emotion, so then and only then you can decide if you want to release ( let go of ) it ?
If so, then that is why it is recommended that we feeeeeeeeeelllll our feelings ( but I resist) :slight_smile:

306

Had an interesting experience this weekend, I had a friend I knew from a long time ago come and visit me, and soon learned that we had much less in common than we once did

After a few days she got upset with me because she thought I should have been doing more to make her feel comfortable, which was a surprise to me. I think because by and large I feel comfortable in most situations so I wasn’t doing some things that she thought I should be doing. We were going camping and it was unfamiliar for her, and she felt so out of her element that she wasn’t sure what do do in any situation, and felt that I was supposed to be ‘taking care of’ that for her, like anticipating those needs. I don’t think it’s possible to anticipate everything that might make someone uncomfortable, it’s not that I didn’t care but my orientation to what was necessary or even ‘uncomfortable’ was far different than hers.

In any case I was surprised she was upset with me because she hadn’t said anything before or made any specific requests to me that I could respond to or act on. At the same time I took this as very understandable, many people have that pattern of ‘trying to be chill’ (while actually very uncomfortable) until it builds up and becomes a crisis. Similarly she certainly isn’t the only person in the world to get upset or uncomfortable when in an unfamiliar place.

The really significant thing for me was that I realized that normally when I got to that place of understanding of someone, love would come in, I would feel compassion for them, like ‘forgive’ them.

I actually had to take some time to myself, sit by myself on some rocks for a little while and puzzle over the situation before it came to me, that I didn’t have to ‘be friends’ with her, I didn’t have to keep doing all these different things to reassure her that we were ‘close’ or something.

I resolved to be kind for the remainder of the time she was in town, which was just one more day. But it was really useful and new for me to not have that either/or, either rejecting someone as ‘bad’ or feeling that I need to ‘make them feel better’ or even make them understand me. I’ve already experienced enough to know that I can’t talk anyone into understanding actualism, far less doing anything about their own selves.

It was a surprising new space for me, and I found genuine delight in seeing that I could act in relation to any other person however I choose. I think in the past I’ve tended to find myself attached to these sad puppy dog type people without knowing why, but it’s because I was responding to whatever they were experiencing with compassion. I was reassuring them so much and thinking that if they were having any kind of bad time, that my job was to act as like a comforting blanket for them… essentially put myself as close as possible to them. And of course that would make them ‘feel better’ for a short time (while doing nothing to remove the underlying feeling), and then they would continue as they were making the same mistakes as before… and now I’m very intertwined in their experience, and be called upon the next time some bad feeling came along.

What a relief to not have to do that anymore! Right now there are some 8 billion people on the earth and I don’t have to waste my time rushing around pacifying everyone.

Especially after this experience too, I’m luxuriating in being alone. So much better to be alone than feeding someone compassion while they wander confused in their own nightmare. If anyone wants to talk about genuine things, that sounds like something worth doing.

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307

I hear what you’re saying about it’s better to be alone. I have found myself wishing that I was alone again.

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308

6|6|22

Interesting experience last night talking with a few pretty girls & generally having a great time

It’s conditional enjoyment but my atmosphere is different so I’m meaning to take advantage of that vibe shift

More or less exactly the investigation I’m wanting to have, I can see that ‘I’ badly want that situation (talking etc w/ pretty girls) and ‘I’ am not done with that, so may as well make it happen and see what eventuates. So far, it’s been enjoyable.

There is sticky desire there as well. It’s been useful having consideration for their existence as people, waiting for the right moments for things rather than ‘me’ charging in with my desires.

Anything can happen, but it doesn’t need to be forced.

It’s also cast ‘my’ various negative narratives of the last months into sharp relief, here I am by myself in the afterglow of that experience just having a great time. So the narratives were only ever narrative, that ‘I’ was weird, that ‘I’ would be lonely.

I really don’t know what will happen.

I’ve definitely internalized as ‘actualism’ Richard’s particular propensity for doing his own thing by himself or with a woman, and it has been at the expense of my lived experience of having so many excellent strange funny nights with random people socially. Maybe that will just be my life, following any conversation in the night. There’s nothing in that that’s in contradiction to enjoying & appreciating.

That’s also a leftover of spiritual beliefs, some kind of monastic distance as being the way.

I have so many mixed-up beliefs like that remaining. Well, this is one that can bite the dust

309

6|10|22

My recent goal of engaging more directly with girls has been very effective at 1) drawing more vitality into my experience, because it really is ‘my’ desire, and 2) drawing me into the open where I can more clearly see what I’m getting up to. Unfortunately I’ve become a very skilled bullshit artist and have often fooled myself. Luckily that never lasts…

I’ve uncovered a void in myself which I’ve just now taken the time to diagram out:

I desire to be with a girl
V
So I want to be attractive to someone
V
To be attractive, it seems it’s effective to be confident & successful
V
To be confident & successful, it’s most effective to be genuine & natural
V
But I’m not genuine & natural because in my daily life I’m quite dissatisfied & unhappy. A problem I attempt to solve by…
V
Attracting a girl.

At this moment I’m at a bit of a loss because this is the first time I’ve seen this circle with enough clarity for it to actually hit me (rather than remaining conceptual)

I’m glad to have made it here though, that is thanks to approaching the issue more directly than I ever have (I have been rejected more times in the last 3 months than in my entire life to this point)

In any case, it’s apparent that continuing to approach this issue in the way I have will not be effective. It is why my past relationships have been filled with doubt & insecurity.

I’m not sure who or what I’ll be when the cards finish falling, but this is where I am right now.

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310

I think the usual ‘real-world’ solution to the problem is ‘fake it till you make it’. Like you pretend to be confident… so you attract the girl… in order to then gain the actual confidence… then once you close the gap you’re actually confident and it all sort of works out. Not to say that is the ‘best’ solution, but I think that is where that comes from :smiley:

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311

That works pretty well until some wobbles come along and then the doubt is right there again, because there’s nothing else supporting that logic!

My undoing has generally been that once I’m with someone and I’m confident, if they or I aren’t happy then I start to wonder, “am I with the wrong person? This isn’t how I pictured things” then as it unravels further my confidence takes a hit, too. Lose-lose!

As long as I have the capacity to be unhappy then these situations will replicate. That’s useful because it’s something I can do from here, no girl required

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312

The empty room bites like a knife

Fluorescent but leeched of all color

Wandering has found no one else here

Limbs exhausted. Tendons glow hot

All memory beaten dumb

Grabbing for anything that looks like it could float

I invent & dissolve beings to hope after

The rhythm echoing hollow

Hateful narcissism reflected backwards

The sound turned up past hearing

Looking for something I’ve long passed believing in

Darkness, death. I swim toward false light.

Some exalt in this that was missing in my former life

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313

Went on a date/hangout in which we both had PCEs

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314

No way! :heart_eyes: tell more plz :smile:

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315

I’m stoked about it!

Her and I have been hanging out a ton the last month or so, we’ve both been getting over respective exes and talking over a ton of things. She began to be interested in smoking some weed as a way of exploring some emotions, and it had been awhile since I had dabbled so I was game as well.

Yesterday was sunny and hot, and somewhat spur of the moment we decided that rather than going out on the town, we’d try out that weed. We ended up taking edibles.

Her previous experience with weed was that when she was younger she had had some magical times with weed, but as an adult it largely made her anxious. For me I had had numerous PCEs involving edibles or smoking weed, but it hasn’t been a part of my life for a year and not much at all in 2+ years.

We took our edibles and decided to go for a drive. Pretty quickly on the drive I began to feel the effects of the weed and found myself talking quite a lot (common for me with weed), but with a definite edge of anxiety which I was able to keep at a low level.

After awhile we parked at the glacier (yes we have a glacier here that you can park at), hung out and talked for a little while in the car. She eventually said she needed to pee so we went out of the car.

It’s a very touristy area but it was late, so no one else really around. The strange dusk-light that only exists close to midnight in the far north or south in the summer.

When she went into the bushes to pee, it happened for me. I found myself simply where I was, suddenly everything had a solidity and significance which had been missing an instant before. That PCE was maybe only 15 seconds, but it was very noticeable. Throughout the rest of the night, I had a few more blips, some longer than others.

After that point we talked and talked, about religion, about social control, about the role of fear. I mentioned at some point that I had had a PCE, and she said she had one too! I was a bit surprised because we had never talked about PCEs much, and as far as I knew she wasn’t that interested.

It was very funny, I asked her if she was interested in living it as an ongoing experience, and she wasn’t quite wanting to make that commitment but did say “I want to have one again!”

It’s definitely coming from left field for me, as I said she had never expressed much interest and now suddenly she’s had a memorable PCE.

Life is full of surprises!

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Oh some other funny lines from her–

“I’ve always heard you talking about enjoying & appreciating & being happy & I’ve never had any idea what you were talking about, but now I get it!”

and

“I’m never happy like this, this is great!”

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image

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318

maybe i should have ask your permission to put this picture here Dear Henry . it was so cheerful and happy i thought you might like it …

319

Cool and very special event Henry!

And I just looooove that picture! :smiley:

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320

All good, Leila :slight_smile:

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321

Up late puzzling.

Earlier I saw a tiny mite walking in circles on the outer rim of the head of a nail. That’s me, that’s everyone.