Journal de Henry

Journals
740

This resonates. A lot of the items from your list appeared in my most outstanding PCE some 20 years ago now. No drugs. Just a rainy day walking in the city. This all occurred before I came across actualism.

  • A sense of larger ‘context’

The grand scheme of it all was there.

  • Enjoyment

There was such an astounding and absolutely infectious sense of pure, untainted joy.

  • Perfect clarity of what’s happening

This was an outstanding feature that distinguished this state from everything else I’d experienced. Absolute clarity, no confusion. A perfect observation and understanding of the mechanisms of my brain. Later when coming across Richard’s description that it’s like “having eyes in the back of one’s head” or a “360 degree awareness,” there was immediate recollection of that clarity into the operations of my brain.

  • No fear of anyone or anything

Yes. All fear - gone.

  • A sense of being able to ‘go anywhere, do anything’

This. 100 percent. This was another outstanding feature. I recall looking around and thinking exactly that. “I can go anywhere, do anything.” The whole city turned into one giant playground.

  • Seeing many more possibilities than I normally consider

There seemed to be an ability to quickly see that optimal way of acting/interacting in all situations.

  • Past/self wiped clean

Gone.

  • Freedom

Immense.

  • “There isn’t any problem”

None. The state itself was the solution.

  • Great awareness of space

Reminiscent of that vast open playground sensation.

  • Sensory clarity

Sparkling, vivid, brilliant. The whole world was as if glittering. Vibrating. Coming across Richard’s description of the actual as “matter not being passive” there was immediate recognition there.

  • Loss of time

This did not feature for me.

  • Loss of ‘location’

I don’t recall this feature.

  • Being at home on the earth

Yes, goes back to the lack of fear. Every event, every place, every person, seemed open and welcoming.

  • Don’t have to do anything

No obligations. Just freedom.

  • Significance of life

Every speck was dripping with significance and meaning.

  • Valuing life in all its expressions

All things animate and inanimate were of great value and significance.

  • bodily ease, no shortage of energy

Immense energy, immense fluidity.

  • issues very obvious where they had been confusing

The fluid, easy operation of the brain was very noticeable. So easy to know what the next and best step was.

  • paramountcy of the physical

Total immersion in this shining, moving, physical world.

I had tried to reproduce this experience the next day, after it had worn off, and could never manage to.

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741

Being blithe is the fucking shit, highly recommend

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742

This one stands out to me the most, I realise reading this it is what I always wanted. All my fantasies seem to hint at this, living life freely. I remember a PCE I had I think last year when I was walking through York which is like a tourist city in the UK and there was almost this ‘urge’ to go up to every stranger and have a chat with them :joy: this is from someone who is usually more on the introvert side. In this playground they were just fellow human beings, I wanted to share this joy and intimacy with them and there was nothing blocking this. And the whole world was like this, every place ‘open’ for exploration and fun, no fears of what could happen/go wrong/how I’m meant to behave, just this vast freedom to go out and play.

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743

This is an interesting one for me because I realise that normally there is a distance between me and others. It seems to be related to who I am and who they are, there’s certain ‘rules’ that have to be followed based on one identity interacting with another. In a PCE all this disappears and I find myself a fellow human being, with this all the ‘rules’ disappear. Interactions with others are freed from this social anxiety because I am relating to a fellow human being, there is no longer anything distinguishing us in that sense, no rules that have to be followed. I remember from another PCE that this is where actual caring automatically flows from too, they are a fellow human being just like me so I cannot not care for them, how could I when they are just like me, we are both here. It is impossible for any hierarchy to exist because for that we would have to be somehow fundamentally different, I remember walking around outside my work and seeing some women in burkas walking around, and as much as there is ‘tolerating others beliefs’ there is always some separation there in the real world when coming across human beings that happen to follow a completely different religion, culture etc. But they were fellow human beings just the same, not a speck of segregation of any sort. I remember thinking that this actual intimacy makes it impossible to be anything but benign, I couldn’t even find a difference to then fight with them over if I wanted. So then this is direct proof of why actual freedom is the end of war and conflict, no longer being different/separated what would there be to fight over haha!

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744

What a great pointer to focus on! Living me as I am as opposed to the who I am is the end of separation, no more differences to resolve, just utter freedom to go out and play in complete safety. So I can see there is such a benefit to giving up the identity. I am having the flavour of all this right now, what a way to start the morning haha thanks @rick and @henryyyyyyyyyy it seems these kinda posts can become a bit of a snowball.

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745

Spam alert, sorry :joy:. I am just looking at this thing now, and there is the option to move towards ‘there’ but there is a fear that keeps me in place. What I am telling myself is that I cannot move into that place with no rules because I will do something wrong. Like it is not allowed to abandon the rules. If I am no longer keeping track of each identity and how to relate to them will I just blurt out something stupid, will I transgress over their rules and invite attack, will I forget to fulfil some really important social covenant etc also what will happen to me when I no longer act according to the lines that support my very identity.

There is a real fear of no longer operating within these boundaries - it feels completely not allowed, dangerous. Because in that place the rules don’t even exist so I couldn’t even begin trying to respect them. I will be trampling all over ‘my’ most precious lines and boundaries with gay abandon haha, it feels so very wrong!

I can see this is what has been holding me back for a while now, that step into a world free of those boundaries feels dangerous, the boundaries feel real as in genuine, so it seems that I will become this giant bull in a china shop. It’s interesting because from the point of ‘that place’ those boundaries are seen to have never been genuine in the first place so no actual danger there, but it does not feel that way for ‘me’ right now.

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746

Easier enough just to say nothing.

Can’t break unspoken rules with unspoken words.

747

Further, we are the rules. The fear and desire to both make and break them stays where it belongs.

Whatever we could possibly say, being otherwise good people, can be easily forgiven.

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748

So from what I can gather it is nothing so much to do which the practical it seems to happen entirely on a feeling level. This is where I got to yesterday because I realised that no amount of intellectual answer will ever solve this.

At the core it seems that it instinctually feels dangerous to no longer exist within the boundaries, it is like a no go zone for ‘me’ on a core level. So it seems the answer must be found experientially, as in actually seeing that it is safe, but currently ‘I’ am blocking that direction, it feels dangerous so I stay.

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749

Aren’t you imagining that you get to run around in the actual, being you?

We are already the giant bull. The analogy breaks because it’s already back the front.

We made rules precisely because we break fragile things.

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750

Casting off the rules is back the front. We are the original reason we made them.

It’s like those movies we love to make. Where some ancient power is buried and the explorers ignore the signs warning anyone that finds it not to , basically, mess with it.

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751

Reminds me of “Constantine” with Keanu.

When Mammon seeks to “crossover” into the world of humans.

We get to change. Which is what I was always missing. We can change, all the way up to, and looking over into Jordan.

But we stay here. In the ‘real’ where we belong.

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752

Apologies, I am still sorta tripping.

753

You have already done so much of the changing.

It’s like you said, you have been wondering what that last bit is.

The final reason. If there is such a thing at all.

The changes you have made are fantastic. I am starting on that journey. To actually change myself.

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754

Yes yes I see that, once the jump happens the rules were never genuine in the first place so it’s all good. But from the position of being ‘me’ now there is a ‘warning sign’, I am blocking myself because I feel it’s dangerous. When a PCE happens spontaneously then I simply find that all that stuff has disappeared so again no problem to begin with. What I find myself looking at now though is how do I commit to living the PCE, how do ‘I’ as a feeling being move in that direction with the totality of ‘my’ being when there is this waning sign hanging over it. Because a PCE is like a little break away from the rules, there is always the knowledge that I will get to retreat back into them when it’s all over. But this seems different, ‘I’ need the utter confidence that going ‘over there’ irrevocably is somehow safe. This seems the crux of it… It feels completely dangerous for ‘me’ and yet I know it is utterly safe once I arrive. I don’t know if it will ever feel safe for ‘me’ actually, in a way it’s not safe for ‘me’ at all haha, yet the fear will keep ‘me’ cemented in place forever though so round and round it goes :thinking:

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755

Well, one can also accept that 99% sure, is really good in anything else. Better than the odds we use to cross the road, or drive out car.

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756

So yes I agree @Andrew it is because ‘I’ feel that ‘I’ am taking ‘myself’ there into an actual freedom.

757

Yeah, that was really getting me today. As if I heard of Actualism for the first time.

Weeks of tripping in every conceivable place (so far) of my psyche, then remembering, actually free means “no psyche”.

:face_with_peeking_eye::exploding_head:

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758

One of us is going to walk too close to the edge one day, disappear, then an actual us is going to have to make up a story about how it happened.

Everyone wins. I am laughing at myself here.

So many years pondering the footsteps I couldn’t see.

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759

Being blithe conquers all fear :grin:

We believe we have to be serious because we’re scared

We’re scared because we’re holding on so tightly to this life

Be blithe! Blitheness is freedom, freedom is happiness.

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