I’m just glad I’m not taking the usual life direction, that’s all.
Being glad about that means being ok with not being somewhere else. I am where I am
This.
On the subject of being in your 30s, the normal way of things is “finding a girl and settling down” mainly driven by the biological fact being younger is both reproductively healthy and for 400000 years our ancestors were dead by 40.
However, there is no silly or sensible conclusion on what one can do now. With actual freedom and a touch of medical science (screening for genetic faults in utero etc) one could, have children at a much later stage.
I was reflecting on this because I had “written off” having anymore children for those reasons.
I probably still won’t, but it was a interesting conversation with myself.
Plus there is more to enjoy in life than reproducing, regardless what our instinctive drives have to say about the matter
10|12|22
I’ve had a very productive few days of investigation around my ex.
She’s recently come back into town, so this month I’ve been thinking about these issues more in anticipation that I’d have to see her - I live in an extremely small town, so avoiding her isn’t much of an option.
With her actually being in town as of last week it reached something of a fever pitch, and with that my motivation to figure it out has been redoubling.
I hung out with another friend that I frequently investigate various things with, and she had something useful to say, which is that if I can’t genuinely be happy for her being with someone else (another friend of mine), then I’m definitely not living up to all this happy & harmless stuff. And it’s very obvious I’ve not been happy about that, and certainly not happy for her or him.
This also struck a chord with some Vineeto stuff I’d read recently, about being a fraud.
As feeling beings we are very susceptible to psychic emissions from others and this is part and parcel of our instinctual survival mechanism. Apart from considerations for my physical safety when somebody gets angry, I found that my core fear in these situations was to be ‘found out’ for the fraud ‘I’ am – as Alan said it so succinctly in his recent letter to Richard. It’s been an ongoing process from realizing for the first time in a pure consciousness experience that ‘I’ am a fraud to translating this realization into daily discoveries as to how much this alien impostress has been running, and ruining, my life. As I am the one who on my own accord is investigating my own fraudulent existence, nobody else can expose me more than I am already doing so myself! And I am not only admitting that ‘I’ am a fraud, ‘I’ am also ready and willing to take the cure – ‘self’-immolation.
Reading this gave me the motivation to uncover my own fraudulence, rather than continue concealing it to look good.
This case of not being happy for her or him was definitely a case of fraudulence. Really I’ve been seething.
In addition, I’d just read this from Peter, emphasizing how it’s impossible to be happy without being harmless
I always put the aim to be harmless towards my fellow human beings first and my aim for happiness second, because it is impossible for me be happy unless I am harmless.
The picture was becoming clear: I have a wall between me and becoming free that consists of this seething that I’ve been experiencing. I resolved to dive in & dismantle the wall, & expose the fraud.
I found that consistently when I’m fantasizing about my ex, it’s about sex.
So that means that all the anger, all the schemes I’ve come up with, all the little manipulations, have been for her to have sex with me.
Meanwhile the reason she broke up with me was essentially because she had started to have a difficult time in the relationship. We had had some rocky times especially early on, and it left an air of insecurity. Additionally it’s clear to me that there are some things I wish I had handled differently which would have made things easier for her.
My intentions at the beginning of the relationship had been to have something of an intimacy experiment, to see how much intimacy and purity we could generate together. But ‘I’ had other ideas… over the years, there were numerous times where my fears, insecurities, and desires trumped intimacy… and caused her unnecessary pain.
So here is someone who has been quite hurt by me, by my past actions, and I was just wanting to get back right to it: me, getting what I want: sex. Without consideration for her interests.
It painted an extremely unpleasant picture, but it was the fact. That is who I am. That is who I have been being. And the unpleasantness of it did exactly what I needed it to do.
It reminded me of a word that Richard likes to use to describe the ambience of being in the actual world, ‘nobility.’
Here is an on-going innocence, an ever-fresh magnanimity, which ensures a nobility in character that is vitalized as an endless benevolence – all effortlessly happening of its own accord.
There was absolutely nothing noble in what I was doing, indeed what I have been being. My very being.
And I want to be noble. I want to be the very best a human can be.
Something has changed for me. I do want to be happy for her, because I want to be the very best a person can be on this planet. I know I can be. It just means dropping my agenda for her. Dropping my desire getting in the way of what’s happening. My desire getting in the way of what’s best for her, what’s best for everyone. I don’t want to manipulate anyone for sex. That wasn’t the point of the intimacy experiment. I just got lost in myself on the way.
Getting into my being, I’ve found that I’m very confused because I don’t know ‘what to do,’ what buttons to push in the human world to have ‘success.’ I’ve tried so many things, but they always end in disappointment or exhaustion as I stretch beyond what my body is physically capable of.
The next thing I’ve been exploring has been fears of loneliness & death, which appears to be ‘what’s left’ when I’m not using the fantasies of sex with this or that person to get away from what’s happening right now.
And here is the actual world, perfect, where I don’t have to do anything.
I just have to drop the desire and the fears!
More investigating to go, but I’m pleased with what’s transpired this week. It definitely helped that she came back into town… I’ve always been a procrastinator. Well, I could die at any moment! Better get on with this becoming free 
Thanks for the reminder on harmlessness! I notice how malice goes deep, I am triggered by my insecurities, fear of being hurt, so I need to protect myself to feel safe. But I can’t be happy while protecting myself because in that state I am far from being carefree.
Challenge to myself: can I be harmless even towards those who do not “deserve” it?
Now that’s a radical idea!
Absolute gold Henry.
The only thing I would challenge is about being happy for her. It’s being happy full stop. It could be just as easily said she is making a dire mistake. Would it make sense to be happy for her?
It’s minimising both the hopeful, rosy pictures, and the dire, vengeful ones.
I found that remembering it is an intrinsic birthright to do what one will with one’s life. This one can be happy for. Whether it’s a mistake, or not, when people are free to exercise that “right” it’s the basis of our own freedom. A celebration that people are dynamically exploring, especially in countries where it’s possible.
I really enjoyed reading your post. I had many of the same considerations pop up, and still do.
It seems that there is more sincerity coming through as the desire to be ready for whatever happens between you and your ex, if anything.
Either way, it’s useful motivation to see what you are clearly seeing.
It’s butterfly effect.
You would not be seeing what you are seeing if it weren’t for everything to have happened exactly as it happened.
Last night I had another, almost predictable, flare up of resentment towards my recent ex. It seems that such powerful things as the reproductive/ relationship game are very resilient.
However, again, it reveals another aspect of having a partner in general.
Unless there is a shared intention, whether explicit or implicit , the rest is irrelevant. Whatever complaints about my own behaviour or her behaviour are not the main game. A shared intention is.
Claudiu had some great things to say about this, regarding finding a partner with the compatibility needed. Most notable was the challenge to be standing on one’s own feet. My interpretation is that anything else will attract one or the other being interested in control.
Also, is the desire for sex with her also, and perhaps more relevantly, a desire for validation?
As you mentioned to me, if it were only the female form, then a sex worker would do.
You must also remember, whilst regretting your own actions which caused her emotional pain, she is her own person. She was there as well. Making her decisions. Playing out her own drama.
The quintessential male paradigm is to take full responsibility for the success or failure of relationships. The whole Authority, macho, lord of the universe, archetype. One women conveniently use to ignore their own agency.
There is nothing more common than a “white knight” male believer in the myth of female innocence.
Anything less than asserting her autonomy, and “binning” the protect the “damsel in distress” behaviour is perpetuating your confusion.
Although, you very much seem far less confused, as it can’t be easy sorting through the immanence of meeting her at some point.
Kill the pathetic"white knight" with his duplicity and agenda, with his regrets and “if only I had done differently” wishes and patriarchal fascade.
Talking to myself, me thinks 
The funny thing is that no-one is actually living that ‘success’. There is people who are ‘winning at the game’ and thus appear to be living in ‘success’. Yet the fact is that both the winners and losers in the ‘game’ are simply lost.
Of course this can be used as some self pitying excuse to never do anything but it is also how it is. I can see this very clearly these days, that from the ‘winners’ to the ‘losers’ in any facet of life there is no genuine success. As in living a complete life.
Typically the ‘winners’ - lets take the rich, the famous, the best athletes, the most attractive/charismatic people etc
In order to ‘get to the top and stay on top’ they all sign a contract with the devil in one way or another, this is how they climb (against others who are attempting the same) this enormous ladder to end up on top, towering over others.
And of course the ‘losers’ are equally lost as they spend their lives in resentment for ‘dreams they could never reach’, often knowing deep down that those dreams were never what they wanted to begin with, they are chasing what other people instilled in them but cannot see a way out.
And that is a snapshot of ‘the game’ which consists only of ‘lost souls’ playing. They are all missing out on that which is perfect and pure, or even on the smaller scale they are missing out on being able to enjoy and appreciate life now and consistently so. They are missing out on living life with sincerity and autonomy because they have all sold themselves out in order to even enter ‘the game’. They are all unable to live with their fellow human being in peace, or to live in harmony with their partner. So what exactly is this ‘success’ ?
I’m gonna go ahead and answer my own question 
In order to enter ‘the game’, ‘I’ must play by the same rules, which means ‘I’ become a carbon-copy of the socialised blueprint thus loosing my individuality.
However ‘I’ forever yearn to be recognised and so ‘I’ must stand out from the ‘group’ by being ‘special’. How to do this impossible feat though when ‘I’ am but a carbon-copy?
To ‘succeed’ is to do that which others find to be too difficult, ‘I’ succeed because ‘I’ am prepared to suffer more than ‘them’. This is the one arena where ‘I’ can shine, ‘I’ will simply go through more than ‘they’ are willing to. Suffering becomes the currency which allows ‘me’ to stand out within the ‘rat race’. We see this all the time in the ‘real world wisdom’ - “those who succeed simply suffered more than others”, this becomes something that is venerated, a virtue.
Suffering more than others is how ‘I’ become ‘special’, how ‘I’ ‘suceed’… WTAF (as in what the actual fuck)!?
There is another way though. If I cease being a carbon-copy of the socialised blueprint I find that I am an individual, and so I am unique. Being unique I do not need to ‘succeed’ in order to stand apart from others, I no longer need to stand apart from others at all as this was merely a desperate coping mechanism for not being what I am.
I am glad you clarified this; I thought you meant “Wo Tang Actual Freedom” and was going to ask for the url of that forum!
I think these are good critiques, I thought of something similar when I was re-reading my writing. It’s about the fact that she’s autonomous to go where she wishes, do what she wishes with her life. And in this case I’m not even sure it’s a mistake - maybe she is making the best choice for herself. But that lustful part of myself didn’t accept that.
Now with a little more context I’m remembering that really what I want is that intimacy… getting laid by itself is not enough… and this intention of nobility serves that best.
So with recognizing her independence, it gets to be a surprise what she wants or does, rather than something that I attempt to manipulate her into doing.
What I want is to be happy regardless of events, and especially so if things go well for her (and them). This is pretty much the opposite of how I was existing, which was unhappy about events, and especially unhappy if things go well for them.
It’s a pretty base desire which fits into a kaleidoscope of other desires & fears, so you’re right that (for me) a sex worker doesn’t complete the puzzle (all of this is in ‘my’ imagination, of course), because I’m also trying to check some other boxes eg: someone my friends will like, someone that’s impressive to others, and there is this whole fairy-tale narrative which has hung around as well. These are different aspects of my narrative (aka my self), so attempts to satisfy any of these constitute attempts to validate my narrative (aka validate my self).
This starts to get into what @Kub933 is talking about, “no one is actually living that success” because the narrative itself does not work. It’s only ever imagined validation, because it cannot be lived.
This is a good point which I haven’t really considered before, but now that you lay it out I can see ways that we lived it. There is no denying that she did some pretty silly things during the course of our relationship. I think maybe the anger was righteously emphasizing those things, as a way to gain control/power. “I’m right and you’re a piece of shit.”
So rather than her being a piece of shit, or merely innocent while I’m the one who is responsible for everything that happened, it’s most accurate that we’re all bodies living on this earth, wandering, doing all kinds of things, chasing narratives… basically doing all kinds of different things. Everyone is confused.
I like that, “a contract with the devil.” They are using their malice and their fear, manipulation as part of staying on top. Not a comfortable situation at all. I suppose we all have some of that in us.
I think another aspect of success is pure fluke
I notice all the time, it’s very interesting how some athletes seem to ‘have it,’ everything comes easily for them, their brilliance shines through in their play. And some simply do not, they can’t even begin to play nearly as well even with ‘putting in the work.’ Also you can ‘lose it,’ ‘get in a funk’ where you can’t play well anymore. Because no one understands ‘being,’ they attribute their success & failure to all kinds of things that have nothing to do with anything… baseball for example has a high rate of superstitious people, and baseball especially is a sport with incredibly thin margins… have you ever tried to hit a baseball thrown 90 mph (144 kph)? Professional players who hit the ball 1/3 of the time are considered brilliant, while those who only hit 1/4 of the time are considered terrible. Tiny margins. Lots of room for fluke.
And yet that flukiness is what determines whether the crowd roars in approval, your picture is printed on the front page of the paper, and everyone spends a week - or even the rest of your life - talking about how great you are. Or, you screw up - again on a fluke - in the critical moment, and everyone talks about what a disappointment you are. It’s really pretty funny.
Speaking for myself, I’ve gone through my life basically hunting for the right buttons to push to get approval, and only ever getting a crumb for fleeting moments.
I just remembered another aspect of this, which is that approval-seeking is a moving target
Once you get a little approval, you don’t care about the approval you’ve gotten. Even when you’ve gotten a lot of approval, it soon doesn’t matter much. This is part of how the narrative doesn’t work…
I’ve started to notice this year that I get a ‘rush’ when the crowd is cheering some big success at a sports event, because I’m ‘identifying with’ whoever just had the success, and I’m feeling the rush of that approval. But it’s only a fleeting moment of belief, feeling success. I try to attain it, become it through various projects and escapades, but even when I get everything I want it’s only ever a fleeting feeling and then I’m soon back to just being me - with all the bum-out that comes with that.
No matter what ‘I’ accomplish, ‘I’ am right there.
The ‘rush’ was always a part of me, just as the desire for the rush was always a part of me. The same game, turning round and round.
I am glad you found those points useful, because I thought I was going too far off on a tangent, when what I really wanted to say was “well done” you seem to be really seeing more and more of the situation.
What I am coming to appreciate is even though uncomfortable and it seems one is hardly “living the dream” having to look at all of this stuff, again and again, it seems, I remember how unsatisfactory it was to be otherwise “maintaining” a relationship and getting nowhere with actualism.
Ideally, I want both, but right now I have a precious opportunity to be “a new man”.
Who knows where that will end up? Who may be in my life, if I have changed?
I’m so glad that I’m doing all this!
I know it may not look like I’m ‘living the dream’ to others, but I’ve long been one to poke & prod & wander in my own feelings. I’m getting to do something I’m good at, and I’m having success with it. What could be better than that?
There’s no way to know, because from where ‘you’ are now, you can only see answers generated by yourself
When you’re different - one way or another - reality will look completely different, and the answers generated will be different.
And when there’s no ‘you’ at all to generate reality - what then?
We just have to start from the reality where we are - demolition from the inside.
I’ve just realized - getting approval requires satisfying the narratives of others. It’s not even something I want.
Yesterday I remembered you because I had an EE while peeing 
. It must have lasted about half an hour (the state, not the pee 
).
I happened to be leaving a bar and decided to stop by the bathroom because I had a long walk ahead of me. I had been reading physics, felt good, but nothing special. At the urinal I was looking at the tiles on the wall and a metal plate with screws in it. Suddenly the plate and screws became sharper, I looked curiously at their grooves which now seemed more delineated and deeper, the colors of the tiles became more vivid and when I noticed the field of vision was widening I thought “Oh, it’s happening…”; and “This is what Henry was saying!” 
.
Although it wasn’t a PCE, I then stared at myself for quite some time in the mirror with a blank face but with some curiosity and strangeness that THAT body was apparently “me”. The strangeness was not complete because “me” was there, it had not disappeared as in a PCE, but its weakening was enough to perceive a separation/strangeness between that body and the emotions/identity that moments ago were “attached” to it.
The experience had many more aspects but I wanted to highlight it was the first time an EE started peeing, so there may indeed be an element to investigate in that! 
Actually that would be a great thread candidate - “weirdest entries into EEs/PCEs
So far my hen party PCE was probably the weirdest one, we’ve had the peeing, someone must ‘push’ for the number 2 now 
THE PEE-PCE IS REAL!!!
There’s a meme I’ve seen before where it’s just a photo of a corner of a grungy bathroom, and the caption is something like “I just love this world, everything is so amazing” and the spirit of the meme is meant to be sarcastic, but the original picture is a Snapchat and I think the guy was being sincere and having a PCE in that grungy bathroom
Pee-PCEs are a great reminder that perfection is everywhere