10|12|22
I’ve had a very productive few days of investigation around my ex.
She’s recently come back into town, so this month I’ve been thinking about these issues more in anticipation that I’d have to see her - I live in an extremely small town, so avoiding her isn’t much of an option.
With her actually being in town as of last week it reached something of a fever pitch, and with that my motivation to figure it out has been redoubling.
I hung out with another friend that I frequently investigate various things with, and she had something useful to say, which is that if I can’t genuinely be happy for her being with someone else (another friend of mine), then I’m definitely not living up to all this happy & harmless stuff. And it’s very obvious I’ve not been happy about that, and certainly not happy for her or him.
This also struck a chord with some Vineeto stuff I’d read recently, about being a fraud.
As feeling beings we are very susceptible to psychic emissions from others and this is part and parcel of our instinctual survival mechanism. Apart from considerations for my physical safety when somebody gets angry, I found that my core fear in these situations was to be ‘found out’ for the fraud ‘I’ am – as Alan said it so succinctly in his recent letter to Richard. It’s been an ongoing process from realizing for the first time in a pure consciousness experience that ‘I’ am a fraud to translating this realization into daily discoveries as to how much this alien impostress has been running, and ruining, my life. As I am the one who on my own accord is investigating my own fraudulent existence, nobody else can expose me more than I am already doing so myself! And I am not only admitting that ‘I’ am a fraud, ‘I’ am also ready and willing to take the cure – ‘self’-immolation.
Reading this gave me the motivation to uncover my own fraudulence, rather than continue concealing it to look good.
This case of not being happy for her or him was definitely a case of fraudulence. Really I’ve been seething.
In addition, I’d just read this from Peter, emphasizing how it’s impossible to be happy without being harmless
I always put the aim to be harmless towards my fellow human beings first and my aim for happiness second, because it is impossible for me be happy unless I am harmless.
The picture was becoming clear: I have a wall between me and becoming free that consists of this seething that I’ve been experiencing. I resolved to dive in & dismantle the wall, & expose the fraud.
I found that consistently when I’m fantasizing about my ex, it’s about sex.
So that means that all the anger, all the schemes I’ve come up with, all the little manipulations, have been for her to have sex with me.
Meanwhile the reason she broke up with me was essentially because she had started to have a difficult time in the relationship. We had had some rocky times especially early on, and it left an air of insecurity. Additionally it’s clear to me that there are some things I wish I had handled differently which would have made things easier for her.
My intentions at the beginning of the relationship had been to have something of an intimacy experiment, to see how much intimacy and purity we could generate together. But ‘I’ had other ideas… over the years, there were numerous times where my fears, insecurities, and desires trumped intimacy… and caused her unnecessary pain.
So here is someone who has been quite hurt by me, by my past actions, and I was just wanting to get back right to it: me, getting what I want: sex. Without consideration for her interests.
It painted an extremely unpleasant picture, but it was the fact. That is who I am. That is who I have been being. And the unpleasantness of it did exactly what I needed it to do.
It reminded me of a word that Richard likes to use to describe the ambience of being in the actual world, ‘nobility.’
Here is an on-going innocence, an ever-fresh magnanimity, which ensures a nobility in character that is vitalized as an endless benevolence – all effortlessly happening of its own accord.
There was absolutely nothing noble in what I was doing, indeed what I have been being. My very being.
And I want to be noble. I want to be the very best a human can be.
Something has changed for me. I do want to be happy for her, because I want to be the very best a person can be on this planet. I know I can be. It just means dropping my agenda for her. Dropping my desire getting in the way of what’s happening. My desire getting in the way of what’s best for her, what’s best for everyone. I don’t want to manipulate anyone for sex. That wasn’t the point of the intimacy experiment. I just got lost in myself on the way.
Getting into my being, I’ve found that I’m very confused because I don’t know ‘what to do,’ what buttons to push in the human world to have ‘success.’ I’ve tried so many things, but they always end in disappointment or exhaustion as I stretch beyond what my body is physically capable of.
The next thing I’ve been exploring has been fears of loneliness & death, which appears to be ‘what’s left’ when I’m not using the fantasies of sex with this or that person to get away from what’s happening right now.
And here is the actual world, perfect, where I don’t have to do anything.
I just have to drop the desire and the fears!
More investigating to go, but I’m pleased with what’s transpired this week. It definitely helped that she came back into town… I’ve always been a procrastinator. Well, I could die at any moment! Better get on with this becoming free 