…i used the same word "retire " in the writing today ! is that by chance , or by not chance ? 
Richard has sometimes used that word to describe becoming free, maybe that’s why we’ve both used it! I don’t know why today specifically though. I did start a new job recently, maybe I’ve been thinking about retiring a lot because of that
6/30/21
The sexual shame thread has been successful in revealing that so much of my desiring for girls and for sex comes out of a lack of enjoyment in my life
This is something I’ve been gradually seeing more and more over the last year or so, and I have been making progress on, but at the same time have taken a few lumps during that time that have set me back somewhat. May as well attempt to identify those now.
A big one has been that my tiny house has taken longer to complete than expected
I’ve already gone over this a few times but have not successfully completely removed it.
What is sensible?
The situation is what it is when it comes to money etc.
I started my build in the middle of construction materials basically quadrupling in price, which I could not have predicted. I also attempted to set a budget and got it very wrong, which is apparently common and also something that happened as a result of my naivete.
It does seem I feel bad about being naïve, but I don’t see any way around that. I am where I am in terms of awareness. I’ve been seeing this one coming up a lot, I keep looking at others that are doing really well at various pursuits or skills and feeling like I should ‘be there,’ that I should be ‘competent’ like they are.
I’ve done this for a long time, I think it comes from being relatively competent as a kid, constantly outcompeting other kids at various activities, and then when I became an adult I expected the same thing to happen. But adulthood is a little different because I’m now competing with people much older than me, with decades of experience on me. I don’t think I’ve ever connected this before really. I expected everything to come easily but it didn’t. I found myself comparing myself to some of the most brilliant people in history really, and then when I found myself falling short it was really hard. I hit a wall. I just realized that I’ve never recovered from hitting that wall, I just sat there feeling wounded and eventually became used to being wounded. It was my new life, like I had a disability.
So since that time I’ve been really careful, not challenging myself in any way because I clearly wasn’t ‘good enough.’ Even building my house was doing that in a reverse way, building the house so I wouldn’t have to pay rent so I wouldn’t have to compete in the tough world of humans to afford rent. Spirituality has been the same thing, going into this discipline outside of the normal human world as a way to escape from having to deal with it. I could have a cool identity, and people would find me cool, and I wouldn’t have to compete. Little did I know at the time that there was a whole world of spiritual people competing with one another as well… ah well…
When the house was more difficult to complete than I thought, and more expensive than I thought, it was just another blow… ok, I must be really incompetent… it has been hard for me to talk with people about it, because I’m just hanging my head… “they must think I’m an idiot.”
When I was in college I thought I was going to be this cool philosopher, just have all the answers to everything, and be really respected in society. It feels like such an affront to have to work a normal job.
I guess I’ve made it work out for me, I’m literally on the clock puzzling about all this right now. So I’m sort of getting paid to be a philosopher. I just don’t have the universal acclaim that I was hoping for. My dad doesn’t understand what actualism was. I remember that being painful, it just made so much sense to me but he couldn’t see it. That disappointment has been recreated with almost everyone I’ve talked with about this. I’m actually going on something of a date later and I can feel the tension in me… will we talk about actualism? I want to, but will she understand? Probably not. I’m still taking that moment hard.
I guess it is similar to Richard’s perturbation upon becoming free. “Am I really the only one who has the right idea? Are all these other enlightened people wrong, and I am right? Jesus Christ had it wrong? Siddhartha Buddha had it wrong? Wow.
The moment I’m having trouble with is that everything that I’ve worked for, everything that I’ve discovered to be genuine, is invisible to most people. The more I get into it, usually the less sense it makes to them. And then that colors my whole vibe, my whole experience of the world. That has led me to here, now.
They haven’t had the experiences to have the context necessary for all this to make sense… it’s very weird to be here, there aren’t many other people in this place.
It only matters because of the loneliness though
I’ve always bailed from PCEs in the past when I’ve started to think “Ah! This will make me attractive!” but that has taken me out of the PCEs and into an adventure of chasing attraction… the more I chase it, the more I chase it away, it’s like this decay from a starting point of feeling really good. I’m at the end of that decay now.
It’s obvious now that that moment later creates so much discomfort… not just for me, for others too. I didn’t know that at the time but I do now.
I feel like I’m on a waterslide, gathering momentum
I don’t have to have anyone else understanding for things to be perfect. I don’t have to have a lover for things to be perfect. Those words have never been this sincere before.
I don’t even have to do anything
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Well said henry. I totally agree.
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7|5|21
Realized today the extent to which I’m quite a pessimist in sneaky ways, thanks to @son_of_bob reminding me of this post which references Vineeto’s advice that one must ‘become attached’ / allow attachment to occur before any removal of self can happen.
Over the years of trying to be someone that ‘gets it’ I’ve clearly internalized the Buddhist advice (& secular versions thereof) that ‘everything is suffering’ in this earthly realm and that there is nothing for it but to ‘grin & bear it,’ and it seems that advice has 1) Carried Thru to this point in my life and 2) colored my actualism practice in all kinds of ways.
Still early, but it’s nice seeing it. Hi, pessimism! You are me!
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7|6|22
Definite feeling of jealous aggression thinking about [redacted]
She is the object of desire and he is the rival
I haven’t ever gotten to the point that I can release it
I want to experience purity and intimacy with others
It feels like giving up on girls
What is sensible?
I’ve seen jealousy mess up relationships before
I’ve experienced the discomfort that comes with being on the other side of jealousy
I’ve been marinating so long in this painful jealousy that I’ve become pretty numb to it
–
Increasingly finding that my real interest in talking with others is validation
–
The desire and the jealousy are linked
Missing out on desire I feel like a loser
Pathetic
Well it is pretty silly to wander through life feeling pathetic all the time
So it would be equally silly to wander through life experiencing that desire, because that desire is linked to the feeling of being pathetic
Really I desire to experience perfection with someone else
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Reading the sexual shame thread I was thinking that their may be an “image” of sexuality being something special in the sense of “holy”, something to be protected and cherished?
Because it is really not in my opinion. It’s just plain fun. Two people getting together discovering their bodies and sexuality is perfectly fine. My sexual passion and desire don’t create problems for me nor for my girlfriend (as far as I know of course). Sure, sometimes I just want to get my load off, but so does she. Just horny and wanting to be… you know! 
If one is sincere and honest from the get-go and just want to be playful and have sexual fun, then nothing is holding you off, but morality. I never cared for all that mumbo jumbo around sex and so it has never been a problem for me. My current relationship is the result of such a casual interaction. It just happend to become more with time. Nobody intended to go into this relationship but here we are, together for about 4 years and quite happy. There is only the issue of a potential marriage and children which I’m not so keen about. I’m a 41 years old guy who will look like a grandpa when the kids a ready for school. Plus, I just don’t want to give away “my” freedom.
Any thoughts on this?
That sounds like a combination of two things to me. One is validation for all your efforts and advancements and the other may be anonymity/ the lack of visibility as the self “shrinks”.
It feels like you become invisible to other people, like disappearing from the world of people, things and events. Like the world is taking place without you.
When I faced this fear I could reap the fruits of the “other site”. Becoming anonymous meant to become less and less engaged in artificial dramas, less and less self-indulgent, less and less needy to perform, to convince, to act, to do, to keep me and people occupied etc. Then I was free to engage or not engage as I pleased. There is a remarkable freedom in that.
Can you relate to that?
That was a good read. Thanks for the link.
This was indeed my greatest problem at the beginning of actualism when I came from spiritualism.
It’s not just that I became detached from my emotions, but that I was quite successful with it too.
In my spiritual years I was feeling much better than before, when I was just in plain boring reality mode. So I was very reluctant to let that “success” go. But boy was I “compassionate-arrogant” and “better” than anybody else!
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Both of these seem to be what I’m experiencing, thanks for this perspective.
Indeed, there isn’t much of ‘me’ left, and what is left is mostly related to actualism… which is invisible/unknown to most people.
This view of reaping the fruits is useful, it reminds me of @Kub933 reminding me that I’m not ‘giving up’ anything with experiencing sex via purity, it’s actually an exceptionally rich experiencing. So it seems I’ve been focusing a lot on whatever I’m ‘losing’ in humanity, and not seeing what it is I’m working toward. I guess I’m a bit frozen up in those fears, at the expense of purity.
This does apply to me I think, it’s secular in nature and thus a bit subtle… there’s this carefulness to it for me that definitely sucks the fun out now that I consider it. What a loss!
You saved yourself a lot of trouble, lol!
I think it must be something where the mystique is partly created by inaccessibility, I grew up in quite a rural place with not many girls around… my outlet was mostly via media of various kinds, so it was an easy place for dreams to flourish. It’s been a gradual process since being an adult of understanding what’s really going on.
I’m similar to you in not being particularly interested in having kids, but that’s different for everybody I think. We all do something to keep ourselves busy, and for some it’s raising kids. Anything can be a great time. My parents were older when they had me and in some ways I think I’ve benefitted from that, they had a lot of stability by that time and a lot of life experience which they could pass on to me. The other side is that typically children of older parents aren’t quite as physically healthy, but I don’t know if that’s enough to discourage.
Yes this unfortunately sounds similar to me… and I get really annoyed when they don’t recognize how great I am! I’ve been motivated to get past it lately with the admission that if I’m really so much ‘better’ than everyone else, why aren’t I free yet? And lo and behold, turns out that very arrogance is causing the bulk of my issues. Funny how that works
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Maybe I’m misunderstand you, but how can the results of actualism be invisible or unknown to people?
The very acting, the very putting it into practice is the visable thing. They may not know that it is actualism what is being shown, but they know that something about you is genuwine, sincere and straight forward. They know the qualities you have and demonstrate in your daily life. I very often here the words: “If I just were in your shoes, if I just could see it as you, if I just could drop that like you, how can you be so at ease with this thing, why doesn’t xy bother you” etc. Of course they often have an internal and simple excuse for why things are different and easier for you, but that is the very recognition of you putting it into practice. People happily ask me for advice, because they know that I am unbiased, that I can really listen and understand etc. It doesn’t get more visable then that! 
There was a considerable change however in regards to anonimity. When I was in trouble and had this “fear of dissapearing” I was looking for a certain kind of validation. I wanted to be the talk of the day, I wanted people to recognize how valuable I am, how impactful I am in their daily lives. I wanted to hear it, I wanted them to say it out loud, that it was because of me!
But then something different happend: people just became more open towards me, more genuwine, more sincere towards me. In some I saw changes happening and I saw that my input was part of it. Of course they often sold it as their own ingenuity/insight and sometimes even began lecturing me about the same-same thing which I was pointing out in the last conversation. It can get quite hilarious at times. But the change, the new thing for me was that I had much more interesting discussions with people in general. This in itself gave me much more then any validation I had hoped for. It was just so cool to be able to talk straight and openly with them. Here I learned that I absolutely love to talk and chat with people about almost everything. Before that I always wanted to steer and manipulate the conversation, to bring it back to me, to highlight what I was thinking about it etc. I wanted to occupy and hijack the conversation. Often I was not even really interested in their talk, which seemed like a superficial waste of time to me. It was not that they weren’t interesting, but that I was not interested.
It all became much more relaxed after I realized that my tendency almost always lead to boring and uninteresting discussions. People didn’t want to discuss this “serious” stuff and I was pushing. I was sucking out the fun, while I couldn’t learn anything new from it.
That was a major realization for me. From then on most conversations were fun, no matter how trivial or seemingly unimportant. It’s the little things which I missed all the time. People communicate great stuff through seemingly trivial things. And it’s just enjoyable to talk about this and that.
I was reading Kub933 response with interest as well, but I can’t really relate to it I guess. I have no clue what will happen with ‘my’ sex-life after ‘I’ dissapear. It’s mostly inconceivable to me and I don’t bother thinking about it too much. My sex-life depends very much on desire and passion. There is so much flirting, teasing, provoking, getting horny etc involved that I can’t know what will happen without any of these traits. What will happen with my style, my kind of sex-talk, my humor, my crazieness, my “moods” which can lead to more tender or more rough sexual intercourse? There is such a huge varaiety involved which is very stimulating for both of us. I sometimes have this image of a stale and boring body which cannot please my girlfriend. I know that it’s nonsensical but it still pops up here and there. I guess it’s because I have never experianced a PCE or EE while having sex or being very close to someone. I had very intimate and very pleasurable experiances with sex of course, but it’s difficult for me to seperate the bodily pleasures from my passions while I’m at it.
This may also stem from a belief that woman are ultimately different than man. I have observed this belief in some of my friends. This may superfically be true, but on a deeper level very, very wrong. They want exactly the same: good and fun sexual intercourse. There is this belief that woman always want more of a man: a relationship, a bond, a future vision, security, wealth etc. That’s so absurd to me, because I haven’t got any of these things nor did I ever communicate it. I was very honest and sincere with woman about my intentions. When asked I always told them that I didn’t know what would happen, but that I liked them. I just wanted to find out and have a great time. Of course some would outright reject me for it, but that’s the price for being straight with them. They were looking for something serious, for “realtionship-material” which is fair.
I remember a show I watched together with my girlfriend in which a quite famous german feminist was invited (Alice Schwarzer). She was basically making a huge deal about womans sexuality. She went into hormons, into pheromons, into specific areas within a womans brain, how they were stimulated, how they differ from a mans brain, how feelings are the most important thing to a woman etc. She made a huge mysterie out of it, which become more complex and complicated by the minute - all the while we could’t stop laughing about it. It was a comedy. We were sure that this woman didn’t know or understand anything in regards to sexuality. It was all theoretical mumbo jumbo, just statistics, sterile data. In my opinion woman are pretty basic and straight forward in that regard. There is a difference in pace, sure, but is that considered a mysterie? Pff!
The rest for me are conventions, beliefs and taboos which just muddles the waters. For me there is absolutely nothing mysterious about woman, but something quiet magical. The way they move, they dress, they communicate, they express etc.
The concerning thing was that thousands or even millions of young people watched this nonsense and may have adopted the view and belief that sexuality, especially womans sexuality is this very serious, precious and complicated matter, where everybody involved has to be super careful. Where is the fun in that?! 
Yes, that makes a lot of sense. On top of this is the danger of maybe screwing it up and having even less possiblilities then before. I guess peope in rural areas are rather looking straight for relationship material? I would be a different person with that backround for sure. I don’t know how I would approach this thing, but what could be better then sincerity with my intentions? There is something magical about sincerity and honesty. Even when I was rejected by woman, in some of them I could see that they were unsure about it. That they may have missed an great opportunity to have a lot of fun.
I’ve made some changes like this that brought similarly satisfying results, I remember being fascinated about this particular issue a bit over a year ago especially, all my interactions with people were changing. So it seems that this last year of my relationship having trouble was too scary for me, I took a step back. Again, with friends I felt safe enough to find that kind of caring delight in interactions, with partners or potential partners I haven’t quite crossed over to that. It’s good to know what I’m looking for, though.
And actually now that I think about it at some point I started taking friendships too seriously again, I got swept into ‘actualist identity’ and as you describe only wanted to talk about serious things all the time. I wanted to have a fun time, but a very specific fun time that wasn’t flexible to where others might be. I wanted to find more people that are interested in becoming free and would want to talk about it. I still prefer and seek that out, but I suppose the key ingredient is becoming restless-dissatisfied when people aren’t doing that.
And that’s also where it’s linked to a need for validation, I can’t say how many times I’ve gotten into discussions that eventually led to actualism and then at some point they seemed to lose interest or have some sticking point, for some reason that’s been hard for me to accept. Maybe it is as simple as wanting to have a group around me to keep me safe.
As far as invisibility goes I think it’s that others don’t grasp the significance that I see and experience, so while sometimes people will comment, ‘you’re so chill!’ etc, it’s not enough for me. I want them to experience that magicality, to be on that adventure with others. Occasionally that will happen, but not often. I think I just have to recognize that people are where they are, that is the whole point of actualism after all: we’re being human, and being human creates that greyness which obscures magicality.
My bellyaching about this situation is just for ‘me,’ I’m using it as an excuse to sit in the road.
Ok I’m seeing this more clearly now, I want everyone to be delighted & happy around me, and I blame myself if they’re not.
Seems especially silly seeing it that way!
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That was such a great read Elgin! I saw the long post first thing after waking up and wasn’t sure I was ready for it but I enjoyed every bit, awesome
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That’s interesting, there’s something here I relate to as well but can’t quite put my finger on it. I do still take a certain responsibility for how others are feeling, like I am in charge of making everyone happy around me. Interesting stuff, I definitely prefer the sound of @Elgin’s interactions without any of that extra stuff!
Looking at it superficially just now it seems to be a fear of letting them down, like I still have some job to do in each interaction, the job seems to revolve around not upsetting them, like I am waking on eggshells. Because if I do not meet the criteria needed to keep them happy there is a chance of meeting their wrath or sadness instead.
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In my case it has tended to have more to do with being liked. It is easier to notice it because when you get indifference or little enthusiasm from the other person you get annoyed (“I’m doing my best here and he/she doesn’t appreciate it…”. Of course, the phrase you don’t want to admit is “…and I’m not getting anything out of it…” ¡JA, JA!)
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I have to admit an “actualist laziness” (and may be part of why I esteem emojis so much): sometimes I wait for someone to write the same thing I thought about a post to endorse it with a check mark 
.
If there is such a thing as “actualist sins” I guess this should be one of them 
.
So, @Kub933, I took advantage of
to endorse with a checkmark what I wanted to write yesterday about @Elgin long and very good post.
Thanks 
I think it’s mostly this for me as well
I caught onto it because I was at work walking past some people… I work in a medical clinic and haven’t met many people yet, so I’m constantly walking past people I don’t know, but we’re coworkers. So I tend to smile and say hello when I walk past. But depending on the person there are different reactions, sometimes they’re friendly, smile and say hello back, or sometimes they’re quite deadpan. Depending on the reaction they gave me I’d feel good about myself or bad about myself, but either way I’m making it about me… “they like me” “they don’t like me, is something wrong with me?”
But the fact is that it has a lot to do with them. Are they having a good day or bad day? Why do they like me, why do they reject?
I had another revealing interaction last week hiking up a mountain, my friend and I passed a group coming down that were having a wonderful time, they had just summited a really gorgeous mountain in the sun… they were delighted to see us, they struck up a conversation, they were very engaged. Most of the time passing someone on the street or even on a trail there isn’t that much engagement, but it was clear that these people were having a really fun time and were thus “there for it.”
So that’s where it’s pretty silly for me to take responsibility for if others are happy to see me… whether they are happy or not is about them, it’s about whatever they have had going on in their lives, it’s about ‘who they are.’
A big area this comes up for me is in conversations, I’ve believed that the reactions I get from others come on the merits of what I have to say, but with this awareness in mind that’s clearly not true. It’s about who they are.
Meeting Richard was a big clue in this because he was very interested and engaged regardless of what I said or did, he was able to find fascination in it. I remember being surprised because to that point my image of someone that had a lot of “spiritual attainment” or whatever was someone very distant, and he was the opposite of that.
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7|20|22
I feel pretty slow for never having put this together before, but my desires for company, romantically or otherwise, are really desires to love and be loved.
I was talking with a friend about loneliness and she pointed out that one can be lonely in the company of others, which made me see that the other ingredient (what ingredient?) was really the significant one. After a moment it became clear that that other ingredient is none other than love.
PCE and love cannot coexist, so now I have the proper understanding in place to untangle this knot.
Peter: How is it that love promises so much and yet delivers so little and what it does deliver is fleeting, conditional, demanding, demeaning, consuming, neurotic and erratic? How come it has a ‘down-side’ of dependency, possessiveness, jealousy and when love is spurned can turn to hatred and violence? And yet this feeling is perennially upheld as the only hope humans have to end suffering and violence on the planet – as in ‘All you need is love’ And yet all the love songs and stories are tales of heartbreak and sorrow, failure and despair, depression and suicide?
Richard: The illusion of intimacy that love produces is but a meagre imitation of this direct experience of the actual.
‘being’ itself is the root-cause of all the ills of humankind.
One has ‘been’ in the past, one is ‘being’ in the present, and one will ‘be’ in the future. That ‘being’ is what one calls ‘I’, taking it to be me; me as-I-am. ‘I’ was, ‘I’ am, ‘I’ will be … this sense of continuity, an instinctual entity called ‘me’ existing over time, is not me as-I-am. … I’, out of loneliness, attempt to bridge the separation between ‘myself’ and others similarly afflicted with ‘being’, via emotions – be it affection, love, pity, sympathy, empathy or compassion – to induce an artificial intimacy. The problem with emotion is that it is fickle; one can switch it on and off. A person can be said to be generous with their love … or parsimonious. Such illusory intimacy is unreliable, dependent upon predilection, mood and receptivity. Actual intimacy – the direct experience of the other – is ever-constant; it is not in the control of a wayward ego or a compliant soul.
Love stems from the separation created by ‘being’ …
Giddy from the open space here
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7|27|22
Lots of explorations around love and desire lately, I had an experience the other day at the bar being interested in someone and when nothing came of it I could see the disappointment flooding me. I had been having a really excellent few days so it was especially apparent.
I’ve been getting clearer in the framework that the happy ‘me’ is the most attractive ‘me,’ so I was motivated to continue exploring it.
The revelation that has come was that when I’m in desire I’m in a state of not feeling satiated, it’s a form of hunger
So then when someone else bumps into me they can perceive this hunger, it’s the vibe-impression that I leave
And that’s not an attractive vibe, the impression is that to be around me is to be in a state of hunger.
So, now that’s one more thing I can look out for. The best thing for me and for everybody is to be always already satiated.
The mistake I’ve made my whole life has been trying to do ‘x’ thing, to ‘be’ attractive
But that situation presupposes that I need to do ‘x’ thing to be attractive… it’s starting out from that place of hungering.
Where whatever ‘x’ thing I do is only superficially important when it comes to interacting compared to the vibe I’m existing in. I’ve had this verified during the times in the past I’ve been doing especially well, my whole vibe was different, and others found me strikingly more attractive.
And with the breakup in the spring, my hunger has been especially palpable and I can see that it’s hamstringing myself.
So, I’m playing video games and going to work & generally just enjoying myself.
One aspect about that ‘hungering’ self is that it doesn’t cease when I do start dating someone, it just transmutes into ‘this isn’t enough’ and then manifests into relationships ending. It’s nice solving these little mysteries.
What I can do is, hunger after becoming free. Which, conveniently, is the same thing as enjoying this moment of being alive.
Time to ramp up that desire…
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The same thing can be said for trying (desire /hungering ) to feel good ( as Felix has mentioned in his diary today way better that I ever could ).
It seems like the more we desire the further we get from what we want (satiation), even if we get what we desired; because the desire ( state of Lack/ hungering ) itself is the problem ( the source of which is me ) rather than the object of the desire, and ironically, even the desire itself.
You said : What I can do is, hunger after becoming free. Which, conveniently, is the same thing as enjoying this moment of being alive.
Is this a form of imagining of what “I” will do, or what I can do, when I am free ?
And I think I read somewhere an actualist said: “why am I not becoming actually free now ?”
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@FrankN good points, thank you!
Freedom is a goal, something that ‘I’ am trying to accomplish - I realized just now in looking up the below that that’s something that can be done with less & less desire itself.
”Richard had said that I needed to want it like nothing before. I pondered on what I had wanted before and recalled a simple childhood memory of being excited about going to the swimming pool when I was about 10 years old. There was this completely sincere and thrilling ‘jumping out of my skin’ desire to get in the pool. I was beginning to feel a similarly sincere thirst for oblivion.”
-From the Man from Sydney’s report of becoming free
” VINEETO: As ‘I’ am a feeling ‘being’ I cannot experience life devoid of feelings (unless in a PCE) – any ‘no-feelings’ are still feelings of dullness, lacklustre-ness, listlessness, resentment or boredom or are the result of one repressing one’s feelings and as such are not neutral at all.
From the three kinds of feelings – good feelings, bad feelings and felicitous feelings – the felicitous feelings are in fact the neutral feelings in that they render ‘me’ useless as my experience of life is already enchanting and delightful while both the good and the bad feelings give ‘me’ credence and sustenance and thus increase the dominance of ‘me’ as a feeler.
As Richard recommends –
Richard: I can recommend that one minimises the effect that both the ‘bad’ and the ‘good’ feelings have on you (the enhancement of the ‘good’ feelings has been tried and tried again and again and has failed and failed again and again). The affective energy previously channelled into the vain attempt to combat the ‘bad’ with the ‘good’ is now released to expand the felicitous feelings which, along with sensuousness (another no-no in spirituality) and naiveté‚ will result in a wide-eyed wonder which may very well eventuate in apperceptiveness … given sufficient pure intent to bring about peace-on-earth by allowing the already always existing perfection to become apparent.
(Emphases mine)
Thanks for pointing this out though because it looks like I somewhat misunderstood the “channeling affective energy” as channeling energy into desire to become free, when really it’s channeling energy into the felicitous & innocuous emotions. Perhaps desire can still be used at times to get things started, but it can’t be depended on day-in, day-out to make progress.
Now I’m contemplating that “wanting like nothing before,” without desire… interesting 
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