3|29|22
Re-re-re-approached the issue of love and loneliness today with my recently-tweaked investigative mindset per
I wasn’t having sufficient success seeing the silliness and kept getting pulled back into feeling bad about this or that love-related trigger.
I could see that I kept trying to ‘distract’ myself (but without intent to get right back to investigation… I was trying to escape). I think that I was actively taught to do this, it has the flavor of something my mother told me to do once. “Do something else.”
Ok, now I know to “do something else,” but to make certain that I get back to it so I can finish off the issue.
So while still feeling bad, I jotted down a few questions for myself, from the space of feeling bad, to answer later when I was back to feeling good. A letter from unhappy me, to happy me.
It took me a little while but I did after a bit notice that I was feeling good again (secret sauce: I ate a snack!)
Ok, time to get back to that letter:
-What if my partner leaves me?
-What if she does things I don’t like and changes a lot?
-What if I break up with her and am alone? (& no other girls like me)
-What does it mean if she hooks up with some other guy? (We have an open relationship but this one does eat at me)
When I went to answer these questions I gave myself a reminder: What is the sensible way to respond to the above?
I could see that I was wanting to do what I had done in the past, which is sort of ‘push myself’ into feeling good… another version of training myself. That hadn’t worked in the past.
I realized as I started to answer the questions, that I was imagining ‘what would happen,’ but in my imagination all the outcomes had a sad-sack quality: in my imagination, I was sad (because me-as-I-am responds to each of these outcomes with sadness). So, I tweaked my approach some more.
Rather than acting out of emotional imagination, I would use my intelligence to appraise and determine how best to act, should each of the above occur
I can make certain that I take the best steps for the most beneficial of outcomes, in any of the above events (most of which I have extremely limited control over).
That way, should any of them come to pass, I will already have determined how I want to act - subject to additional intelligent appraisal and decision.
Should I fail - I likely will, sometimes - no matter, I still have a plan - simply get back to it!
So:
- If she leaves:
Move on with my life, do things I like.
Simple!
- If she changes in ways that I find unpalatable:
Have a conversation about the issue. If it’s not working, leave her. See #1
- If no other girls like me (The “Forever Alone” outcome):
See #1
- If she hooks up with someone else:
Talk with her about it to better understand the situation. If what is happening is unpalatable, then I can leave her. And… See #1.
It’s very obvious: the move is always to just do things I like with my life, enjoy and appreciate.
This approach was a major breath of fresh air for me and for the first time in a long time I’m approaching my life with genuine confidence, because I have genuine confidence that I can act on these intentions. No longer am I taking for granted that “I will be so sad” if ‘x’ happens. If I start to feel that again, I can remind myself: No, I will not. I will move on with my life and do shit that I like.