Journal de Henry

@Andrew Yeah I think charisma can make sense as a temporary motivator (let me put it this way: my partner, a twenty-something attractive girl, has said that Richard, a seventy-something man, can ‘get it’), but in terms of crossing the finish line it becomes a dead-end.

I can connect a few dots here.

  1. Becoming free is about feeling good, not about good feelings (lots more about this on the AFT which I can’t track down rn)

  2. The moment that Richard re-starts his search for freedom after being enlightened for 11(?) years was because a woman came to him and was begging him to be his follower, a system which Richard had always found ‘sus.’ He realized that he was ‘putting out’ something which led to others organically desiring to be controlled by him. What he was ‘putting out’ was love & compassion…. He had ultimate charisma, a characteristic shared by all enlightened beings.

So what I can see is, the charismatic individual is using emotion to make the other experience emotion which has an inherently seductive-manipulative character… completely antithetical to freedom. For my freedom (I am clearly wanting something emotional if I’m manipulating others) and even more obviously, their freedom.

Going back to the top (temporary motivator) I have found charisma a seductress, I suppose because I want things (love-sex, money, etc) and I am aware that charismatic folk can get things. It just so happens that that way-of-getting is inherently manipulative, and requires two un-free beings: Me, and the other.

And I have these obnoxious PCEs and pure intent that just won’t shut up about what’s possible!!!

12|29|21

Ok… what’s up?

An interesting few days…

Intentionally put myself in direct line-of-sight and close-range of my partner canoodling with another man with whom she has been sharing increasingly intimate relations over the last several weeks.

This experience I found at the time quite traumatic… it had the character of being hit over and over by waves larger than I could handle… each time trying to gasp for breath and being hit by the next wave before I had properly breathed in… and inhaling sea-water, to boot.

I told them that I was experiencing those waves because I was a bit concerned about over-traumatizing myself (idk what the ‘correct approach’ is here (?) but that’s what I did / what I was ready for, and they received it well and the next day we were able to eventually have a direct conversation about the experience.

I can’t say I’m 100% clear since then or that I’ve remotely ‘figured it out’ but it did make it stark-clear the emotions that I’m experiencing with jealousy-possession-love.

The overpowering strength of them is apparent.

Putting myself in that intense-polarizing situation served me as it cast the emotion into exceptionally sharp-obvious relief. Looking back I am glad that I didn’t fully spiral into out-of-control traumatic compartmentalization.

Hm…. I may be fooling myself with that somewhat… “I am in control.”

No matter. That is where I am now.

In any case, the next day hiking back from camping (all of this occurred at a cabin in the woods… just the three of us!), it became clear that what I was afraid of was, ‘being locked out of sweetness.’

I associate making out / female company / love with sweetness, so in other words as long as I ‘possess her’ / there are only situations where she is canoodling with me / staring deeply into my eyes etc. then I like it, but when that is threatened then I VERY DON’T like it.

There is also hypocrisy in this that I can see, which is that when she DOES do all those things with me for a little while, then I just start desiring all of the above with some other woman: she is obviously not enough.

The being just wants more… and when it’s threatened then, it’s, well, a threat.

But this observation gave me something obvious to look for: sweetness.

OBVIOUSLY, she is not the only source of sweetness. I have had many of PCEs, most of which were in my own company with no woman present. So it’s just a question of bringing that home to ‘me.’ I can increase the sweetness of any non-partner situation, reduce the fantasization of love-situations, and continue to cultivate sweetness in her presence as well - making it unconditional.

This is my mission at the moment.

I won’t get into details with this but later that same day her and I had a very bumpy conversation which further verified the strength of all the possessive-jealous-love emotions, the effect they have on her, as well as the strength of the overall emotional dynamic/whirl-pool that we create together.

I’m happy to say that both my motivation and the way forward in this issue are very obvious at this juncture.

I can see: ‘I’ REALLY LIKE that moment where she is gazing into my eyes with a look of deep love.

And that that ‘REALLY LIKE’ creates the whole rest of the mess.

And that that ‘REALLY LIKE’ only comes because of the misery that my daily life consists of and ‘me’ trying to escape into the arms of the beloved.

Where… I imagine that I will simply melt into her arms and stay there forever and ever and ever and it will just be so great.

So long as she or I don’t get antsy/big-headed and decide that maybe someone else’s arms sound more appealing lmao. Which is… only a matter of time really. Especially when you consider that we’re two young humans.

Sweetness: it is always. Even when people are being pretty silly.

One other thing: I do think that she and this man were being pretty careless with me, knowing that I was sensitive about that situation. But it is human. It’s not a surprise. I’m certainly being silly about a lot of things.

It’s interesting to consider, ‘what I accept / what I don’t accept.’

What I can do is, make sweetness unconditional. Then I don’t have to ‘sell out’ for those love-situations anymore. I can see that I do it, over and over. The internet has a word for it, ‘simping.’ I simp.

And it doesn’t work. She still goes her own way. Sigh sigh sigh. Sweetness.

Usually it’s ‘how can I move the target so I can still get what I want / get a sliver of what I want,’ ‘how can I manipulate her somehow.’

Anyway, enough theorizing for now. Just have to live the sweet perfection that this moment consists of.

This theme of sweetness got me to thinking of what exactly brings about that profound feeling. The context of love that you experience it in, specifically when you are in the intimate company of your partner, reminded me of those occasions in my life where I felt that same supreme sweetness. I recall experiencing it many years ago when intimately interacting with the girl I loved – adored, really – and who loved me. It was sweet intoxication. I love her dearly to this day although our lives long ago went in different directions.

Looking at it again, the sweetness resulted from the union we manifested. So the sweetness that pervades when making out, embracing, gazing into each other’s eyes, etc, is the result of no longer experiencing yourself as being a separate person. It comes from losing yourself, dissolving your individuality, in her:

Ordinarily we instinctually and reflexively draw a boundary between ourself and not-ourself. As you melt into her arms you are no longer individuated, no longer self. And how sweet it is.

As you’ve realized it’s challenging to stay dissolved in that sweet bath of intimacy with another human. Life pulls you apart from each other. Separated again. You are once more a distinct entity. Is there a more dependable and direct way of bringing about the sweetness of dissolution than either love or fentanyl?

I feel a sweetness as the universe gently draws closer to me, like to a lover’s kiss. Can all that you are melt into the universe? Afterall, the universe is already thinking all your thoughts. It sees everything that you see. It is very, very close.

Thank you for sharing your life experiences with us here.

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Thank you for this, @rick.

It came at the right time and I experienced it as ‘flanking’ me, as in ‘from an unexpected angle.’ I have emphasized the ‘autonomy’ aspect of freedom to such a degree… it has been one of the main attributes ‘I’ took away from my past PCEs. And I have been missing the depth of the intimacy that is there.

Of course you are right. The dissolution of self is intimacy. Dissolving into closeness with the other is freedom.

All I’m experiencing is a crystallization into ‘love’ rather than the full-monty intimacy.

We are all alive here on this earth at this moment and only this moment. It is not to be missed. Any boundary, any distance, is to miss it.

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(cross-post)

12|30|21

Tracking sweetness

Placing sweetness and perfection together as the emphases of my current actualism practice.

Sweet intimacy is suddenly open to me as a ‘passage,’ for the first time since 2015, thanks to recent investigations and catalyzed by Rick’s comment.

It has the character of, “I have discovered a room in my house which I had forgotten was there.’

I have been closed off from it because of associating it with love (re-translated by ‘me’ in an “Actualist-moralistic” way), and because of past traumatic experiences (going back to late 2015 and 2016) which resulted in a psychic ‘barrow’ being established to protect ‘me’ from being harmed by the bad feelings.

I was about to type out a very short version of the events of 2015-2016, but I’m realizing that if I am to get into this, it must be done slowly and sweetly. There is no rush. As Vineeto said… we have all the time in the world…

The last time I passed out, (as in, physically passed out) it was because someone reminded me of when I lived in Seattle, when the above events occurred (and subsequent psychic barrows were built out of necessity).

This requires careful archaeological work… a stomach of vibranium (shout-out to @Srinath … the sci-fi references strike again)… and the necessary tool-kit to permanently dismantle a demon.

The excitement of this moment finally arriving is providing the requisite enjoyment & appreciation: there are perfection and sweetness both here.

I’m not sure how much I will be able to type so this may be confusing for readers. No matter.

Following the loss of love and associated loss of connection to sweetness in early 2016, I did SOMETHING to protect myself.

I developed a new identity as a poet as a way of processing the trauma… I remember it started out as, ‘what do I like doing?’ and I wrote a poem. It was sweet. And it didn’t take long for the poems to be about the trauma itself.

By coincidence(?) last night I read the poem which hit at the deepest point of investigation (over a year later) I’ll paste it here.

As I’m searching for the relevant poem I’m scrolling through all the others I wrote during that 2 year period. There was a tremendous amount of flowing psychical energy and barrenness. So much life. I had no idea what I was doing but I was alive.

Waking every morning

Waking every morning with the sour aftertaste of the life I should be living in my mouth
Where are you? What part of me
isn’t good enough for it
I’m left lying with the glow of your recent presence in my dream
before the sun burns it away.
What is the heart but a wound? And if I sail out
to the middle of the sea will it still tune to you every night?
My body drawn up through the ceiling straight across the ocean at great speed
to you,
greeted every time with the warmth of
The only true thing in the world.

In the day I can almost forget that
the most inner part of me is made of yearning,
a hungry flying swallow turning
in the sky, its split tails casting an invisible wake I’m left following.
But at night I am a thing of flight, finding my brilliant way
through the keyholes in between us to a place
that I have known of for so long. I feel often that
it is the place where I lived when I slept in
the womb of my mother, waiting but in many ways
already there.
And not beginning to suspect that
I’d spend the rest of my waking life fighting my way back howling
for someone to hear and set things straight again, knowing both that no one will understand and
that this is the only language for it.

Where are you?
The most tender thrumming piece of me walks the streets while I sleep, piecing constellations into stories night-traffic only a tear of light in the dark and I’m aloft, crossing the great black wildernesses of this world.
If I could lay my head against your chest again
and sleep,
what dreams would there be left to dream?

This encapsulates where I wound up.

And actually on the night when my current partner and I ‘fell in love,’(2018) I read this same poem to her and the other friends present. The sorrow and love - and sweetness - of the poem attracted her and them.

Not long after I wrote the poem (end of summer 2017) was the darkest period I have ever experienced. It had the character of, ‘nowhere to go.’ Nowhere in reality was safe. I saw no way out. That’s when I began to have many PCEs.

Somewhere in all of this the barrows were developed.

What did they consist of?

Protection from the memories of sweetness

Because the rememoration was painful for me.

Because I was unhappy. Very unhappy

Because I felt cut-off from the sweetness.

The same cut-off sensation I experienced the other night at the cabin.

‘I’ can’t have sweetness (I tell myself) because I am being excluded / because she doesn’t like me / because they don’t like me / because I am not being embraced / because she is not looking into my eyes / because she is not “looking into my eyes correctly” / because she is the wrong girl for me.

What Richard told me was: ‘I’ am forever sorrowful because ‘I’ am forever locked out of paradise. ‘I’ cannot come, and on some level ‘I’ know it.

I seem to think that it’s the lover’s arms (the right lover’s arms) (In the right situation) is the sweetness, is the paradise, is the perfection. Because it happened that way. I was there. But it wasn’t all those things, it was that I wasn’t there. I wasn’t in the way.

There was no longer a barrier.

So the barrows I later constructed to protect me from the pain of rememoration have become another barrier.

The last years have been distanced because of that.

It’s ok to remember because I’m not locked out of heaven anymore. [edit: ‘I’ am, but the opportunity to be free is there] I can be free, if only I step down. It’s right there as an option now.

It’s not about the girl, it’s that those were the conditions that ‘I’ needed to step out of the way

There is pain here. Sweet pain.

I’ve never been 100% with my current partner because of this.

Sometimes there have been PCEs but not during intimacy/sex.

I could only get to a certain point and then it would stop. The intimacy would be cut off every time. That is clear.

This explains why I took ‘autonomy’ from my PCEs moreso than sweetness/intimacy. I couldn’t even approach intimacy.

Our entire ‘relationship’ has been built on ‘mutual autonomy’ at the exclusion of intimacy-sweetness.

Any intimacy-sweetness was in SPITE of me… the sweetness of the universe was sufficient to push through at times. But it would always be cut off before it could do much.

I’m receiving a rush of distant memories, always a sign of territory I haven’t been to in a long time. That is very encouraging.

Actually liking life. Actually savoring the taste of the sensations.

I’ve been so intellectual, this is your regularly scheduled reminder that enjoying & appreciating this moment of being alive is IT, everything else is far less necessary. Enjoying & appreciating drives everything.

I was ready for a drag-out fight with a demon, but all there was was a low, sorrowful howl. Sweet-sorrow. So much pain there.

I thought that I could just attract another woman and ‘run it again’ and that that would work out.

I was critical when I only had little glimpses of sweetness with the next girl. Then the same pain started again. That’s why it ended with her. It ‘wasn’t enough’

I still thought I needed a girl somehow

That’s the belief/reality part

I had already been looking for a girl since a long time before any of this.

I blocked off sweetness when I couldn’t sustain it with the girl(s).

I thought it didn’t exist outside of them and I was heartbroken.

And in the heartbreak I developed the ‘barrow’ / psychic-seal to prevent immanence/rememoration of the sweetness itself

I tried to be impressive to attract someone ‘better’

In hopes that there would be sweetness there

Sometimes there was. But it couldn’t sustain, because of me. Because of my fears and my desires.

That’s why I leave sweetness. Fear and desire.

Wanting things to be otherwise.

In 2015 I was so confused by reality. I was always trying to get elsewhere. I’m sure that was hard for my partner. It was hard for me.

There was sweetness but it was all conditional, in a bubble. Once something started to happen that ‘I’ didn’t like, it was only a bitter memory.

That’s what the beatles said: “what’s sweet now turns so sour”

That’s how it went.

That’s what the barrow consisted of, a wall of sourness.

“waking every morning with the sour aftertaste of the life I should be living in my mouth”

I used to wake up every day and be immediately hit with how much I hated my life. ‘my’ life.

And then the identity / coping mechanisms came in to protect me from that

I can find that barren space again. I know it’s still there.

The gap between what I wanted as part of my reality, and what was happening ‘in my reality.’ My emotional experiencing.

The gap between my desires and the ongoing moment of suffering I was experiencing (and indeed am experiencing, now).

“How to be happy” on the human level has never, ever worked.

All the ‘wise ones’ of the past say it can’t be done. Because it can’t, as a human - or as a God.

All the darkness is here in me, now.

I was just reading some really dark stuff (look up unit 731 if you’re looking for motivation to become free - warning, it is basically the worst that humanity is capable of)

And that’s the same for me. The same drives for control and chasing desire etc.

And I’m lucky to be on this edge of where sweetness is. Not far at all.

It’s insane that I’m here.

It’s estimated that 107 billion humans have ever lived, which means it’s a less than 100 billion chance of being one of the free ones (1 in 137.5 billion).

I have the opportunity of being 1 in 137 billion. It’s right there.

Even among humans living now, it’s 1 in 1 billion.

In between me and freedom is, ‘heartbreak,’ ‘girls.’

‘barren,’ ‘sour.’

The fear of remembering the sweet time in the past

I just remembered that in lotr, it’s Tom Bombadil that saves the hobbits from the barrow-wights. That’s a funny alignment.

The ‘impressive’ thing relates back to charisma

Beliefs are that, “if I do ‘x,’ I’ll get the sweetness. But it’s not backed up by evidence.

A bit bumpy rn, what am I missing?

I think I haven’t recovered from the above horrifying reading

I realized a few weeks back that I was using ‘fear’ as ‘clarity,’ because most people avoid scary things so it’s an opportunity to look into ‘dark corners’ / things that are usually hidden from view

And that happiness + harmlessness provides greater clarity than fear. So I could drop fear as a crutch.

So I can do that right now.

Many horrifying things have happened in history and continue to happen because of the human condition.

That is how we have arrived here.

A farm-boy in australia figured out an alternative 30 years ago.

Which means, it doesn’t have to just be a rotating morass of suffering forever and ever anymore.

And I get to be a pioneer, I get to be part of ending all of that.

In me, I can end it permanently.

I can’t stop all of them but I can do something about me.

The sweetness that is everything actual.

Everything that is. Not the fantasies and dreams.

It’s not me making the sweetness unconditional, it’s that the sweetness is already there and already inherently unconditional, it’s just a question of meeting up with it. Meeting it.

It’s bigger than ‘girls,’ but girls are part of it. They exist. They are half of the humans that exist. 4 billion girls and women on the earth.

My psyche is trying to reject what it doesn’t like, that’s why there’s nausea in these disturbing things. But in that nausea-rejection (disgust), I miss the actuality. Because the actuality is everything that is.

And that’s what happened in the past with girls too, something would disturb me or her and rejection would happen and the sweetness would dissipate

All the murders and rapes are happening in the actual world, but because of the animal passions and rather unfortunately-derived psyche-thereof.

Just a coincidence of evolution. What a bizarre chimera we are.

A meta-entity arising out of layered remembered emotion, and then socially-realized.

When I am disturbed/horrified, I experience nausea-rejection. I’m rejecting my experience

That rejection of experience blocks me from experiencing sweetness.

When I remember my childhood PCEs / sweetness it’s because I wasn’t rejecting my life so much

I wasn’t rejecting being alive

I started to distance myself when I was scared. I’d fake being asleep

‘islanding’ as protection

Aka, dissociation. From others.

But sweetness comes from, ‘no boundaries.’

Because anything can happen. Because that is the fact.

What is sweetness?

Apperception is sweet

Richard describes the actual world as sweet

Every PCE I have ever had has been sweet. Though that wasn’t always the characteristic that jumped out at ‘me’ the most afterward.

It may be that the sweetness was invisible to me, because of the psychic barrow-mounds.

Sweetness is inherent to what is apperceived.

Experiencing without me.

I am the one in the way

I don’t know what’s coming because I can’t know what’s coming. It’s wide open

All my schemes are merely kowtowing to an abusive being.

All because I’m so heartbroken and worried about outcomes

Apperception can be always

It’s inherently sweet. That’s the flavor. And it’s always now, that it happens.

The closest ‘I’ come to it is the enjoying - appreciating, the perfection… the sweetness. Benignity.

Everyone else is running around murdering, raping, generally causing a ruckus, but I don’t have to. I can be the sweetness.

No rejection anywhere.

This is ‘far-out.’

Humans are not supposed to be happy, harmless, sweet. It’s considered wrong.

We’re not supposed to apperceive. We’re not suppose to become free.

They’re all, ‘wrong.’

Freedom is on the other side of that, ‘wrong’

Outside of it.

The universe doesn’t care about my/our ‘right,’ ‘wrong’

We are semi-hairless animals running around the surface of a small, rocky, watery planet in a large-ish galaxy.

A bunch of plants around, too

It’s becoming the universe experiencing itself being alive

It’s not about humanity.

I’m humanity still.

All my thoughts, all my desires, all my drives and fears, are humanity.

Vineeto: You allow it to happen as much as you can bear, gently, again and again, and if you find any hang-ups, look at them and let them dissolve. Infinitude is big, really big, it also takes time to get accustomed to more and more of it.

This is referring to full-freedom (Vineeto in correspondence with the newly-free man from Sydney), but I can do the same with sweetness.

I still have resistance to it in some contexts, for example rememorating the experience at the cabin from the other night.

Because I see her as the beloved rather than a fellow human being, because I experience sweetness as conditional on what a girl (‘the beloved’) does, then that situation generates fear and offense, it is completely shut off from sweetness.

The sweetness is not because of anything anyone else does, but because of what I experience, what I ‘am.’

What this universe is.

‘no sex,’ ‘no girl,’ ‘rejection by the other,’ are all sweet too.

I’m walking alone through a frozen desert to the edge of humanity. And it is sweet.

All these beings suffering, and I am one of them.

My instinctive pulling-back is what is blocking perfection-sweetness

Maybe she will wiggle her bits with someone that isn’t me

And maybe she’ll enjoy that more than she has with me

And maybe she’ll fall in love with that person

And they’ll have a super sweet time together.

These are all unexceptionally human things to happen. Quite unsurprising things to happen.

So ‘I’ am hanging myself out there, basically setting myself up to be hurt over and over.

Since I don’t consider those outcomes to be sweet

So I reject my experience

Richard was more literal than I thought when he said that becoming free required intestinal fortitude lol. This is intense

Sweetness irrespective of the attention/love I’m getting.

Basically ‘Mr. Brightside’ stuck on repeat in my psyche rn.

They’re insecurities bc they interrupt my sense of ‘safe.’

I have a pretty limited capacity to direct events, so all kinds of things can happen.

So there’s not ‘safe’ in that sense.

There is safe in the ultimate sense and once again it’s a question of connecting to that.

Inching toward perfection.

12|31|21

The last day of the year.

‘I’ am always looking for trouble

Making other people’s business my own

A bit of concern around the new year bc my partner is going out and I don’t really want to, at least at this moment. Perhaps that will change. But right now it doesn’t sound attractive.

And I’m anticipating feeling alone/lonely/insecure at home. So I can take care of that one in advance.

Really it’s because I’m tired, I had a fun night last night and I’m a bit over-stretched. So this body does not want to stay up late. It doesn’t make sense for me to.

So then the move is like, ‘early bedtime.’ That’s what will be nice for the body.

I don’t really have any complaints about that actually. I can make coffee in the morning tomorrow. All of this sounds nice.

The other ingredient is, ‘insecure.’ She’ll be doing her own thing without me.

I remember there was a time when she was moreso the insecure one, and I would be stoked whenever she went and did anything by / for herself, because it showed her independence. And now I’m scared of it because I’m scared of her leaving. It’s funny.

The sweet experience is, she’s her own person, this is the flavor of what she likes to do in her life. She likes to dance way more than I do. It only makes sense that she goes and dances. I don’t have to.

"Some Other Guy " The Beatles at the Cavern REMASTER Take one and two. - YouTube

“has taken away my sweet desire, yeah, some other guy now”

It’s really wild that all the media, songs, etc out there are by feeling-beings. A big whirlpool of desire keeping everyone in the middle. Everyone WANTS to get to the middle.

I’m trying to have it both ways, I want to give her full independence but I also want some guarantee that she’ll be around for me.

One has to go

Really it’s just that I want some stuff and I’m whining, wheedling, hoping I can get my way. Pretty rotten actually.

Awhile back I was like, “I’ll just up my social skills, and then I’ll be able to get what I want.”

But really a lot of that was manipulation-charisma stuff that I’m working to get away from now.

And I was taking for granted, “getting what I want.”

There’s not really any problem with the wanting part. Sure, sex is nice. Company is nice.

Part if it is I’ve put so many moralistic rules and conditions on how I operate with those. My family background is rather puritanical and I can see that coming out with how I think about romantic partners especially.

As well as prospective interests. That’s an outcome of my morbid fear of rejection, too. I’m definitely not 100% done with that one, might be useful to dig into.

My fear generally runs along the lines of,

“I’m attracted to all these girls, and if they knew then everything will be awkward and bad so I’d better not allow them to know”

Not the most conducive to meeting anyone!

And then I trap myself in loneliness.

Interesting, interesting!

Well I can look for that the next time I meet someone I’m interested in. Right now I can say, it’s ok however it goes next time. I’ve opened the door. Right now there’s no one right in front of me so it’s quite literally immaterial. It’s not something to worry about.

It’s definitely not for granted that they’ll experience it as awkward and bad. Some people live in ‘awkward, bad,’ but that’s just where they live. I probably won’t be interested in them in the first place.

Maybe they will experience awkward, bad, but that’s ok. That’s a completely normal human emotion. Not anything I need to be sour about.

Fear says that their awkward-bad will spread like wildfire and that in no time, “no one will like me,” I will be a ‘weirdo.’

Which. Fair enough.

But also, so unlikely at this stage! Happiness and harmlessness has been so stable in my experiencing over the last few years, and people have met me there just about always. It’s been easy.

I guess there is an element of ‘risk’ there, but nothing is gained without risk.

There’s sweetness in all the pretty girls out there! They’re just out here, living their lives same as me, chasing this or that desire, trying to feel good, trying to ‘be good.’ It’s neat. They’re just as manipulative as me too, just as sneaky. But that’s just how we are, us semi-hairless apes.

It’s really sweet. It doesn’t really matter if they sleep with me or not. It’s ok. The sweetness is bigger.

So I can experience that sweetness when apprehending rejection, when apprehending ‘left-out,’ because that’s what we people are doing. It’s very big and very sweet. So clear, it is a different sweetness as @Miguel and @claudiu point out. Love has this stickiness that can’t be missed, but this is clear like clean, cold spring-water.

It reminds me of the ‘streak’ that @Srinath describes when he becomes free, but this isn’t pungent, it’s completely clear.

‘Me’ is pungent, but not this sweetness.

It’s interesting, my consideration from this ‘point-of-view’ has nothing to do with me, nothing to do with ‘my’ ‘plan for them.’

It’s just, it’s neat that they’re wandering around the world.

And sometimes we hop into bed! And it can be such a sweet wonderful time, it really doesn’t even matter if they reject me at that stage because of some insecurity, or if they have a bumpy time, I can be there for that. It is all part of the human drama, and I don’t blame them for their humanity. It is what they were born into… they never saw it coming.

And all the manipulations it’s the same thing… of course they manipulate, they manipulate for the same reasons that I have: to be safe, to try and carve out some control, to not feel lonely, to not be left alone. Of course they will do that. It’s ok.

This is so wonderful. I feel more alive than ever.

My normal instinct at that stage of sweet closeness is to generate codependency because I am supposed to protect them, I’m supposed to hold them close, I’m supposed to prevent their insecurity, I’m supposed to act in certain ways so they never feel bad. It’s all forced, and it doesn’t work of course because their insecurity is still there. Their insecurity is deep, just like mine has been deep. It actually makes it worse to try and placate it.

And part of the whole thing is my own insecurity of being alone… the only reason to engage with all of that silliness in the last paragraph is because I think that if I’m alone that it will be a bad time. Which I clearly still think as demonstrated by my initial reaction about staying home on NYE.

That’s the difference in charge, my background negativity vs. my high rating of the ‘meaning’ of hanging out with some pretty girl.

I’m alone right now, and I’m not having a bad time. There are little vortices of bad feeling. I can keep removing those. But it’s far from a bad time.

And for that matter half the time that I’m hanging out with this or that person I sort of wish I was doing something else lol. I guess that’s what makes it a belief and not a fact.

Q: Now I can look at a person and see such a normal person and I wonder how can such a person be so attractive to one who is in love. This is something I would never see when I was in love; I would never see that aspect.

R: Love covers up what the person actually is like and presents them in a good light.

Q: Oh yes a fantastic light … not just fantastic; love can make that man into the most perfect human being. Into a god.

R: Now what about actual intimacy? In intimacy you see the other as they actually are … ‘warts and all’ is the expression.

Q: That is not only better … it is far more interesting.

R: It does not make you repulsed. One is neither attracted nor repulsed.

Yes the lack of repulsion is key. I know the exact taste of the nausea now. I can watch for it.

Warts and all, I like that. It’s genuinely seeing someone. For the first time, each moment again.

We do indeed have warts. Just as we have some graceful swoop of the nose, we have warts.

That, too, is sweet. It’s a part of the fact.

R: In actual intimacy, when you are with another person one hundred per cent – and there is neither attraction or repulsion – and you see clearly what other people would call attractive or repulsive … what does that do?

Q: Oh, that’s delicious! That’s delicious because that is freedom. Then I’m free from the grip of emotions.

R: So, seeing the other for what they actually are, do you see ‘the good’ in them? The potential?

Q: There is good and bad in everybody. I am aware of what humans call good or bad. I can see them with either eye, as it were; I can see them with intimate eyes or human eyes. I am aware of that and I don’t take much notice of the human measurement. In intimacy this whole moment, everything, is magnificent.

In intimacy I can respond, taking the whole scenario, the whole situation, into consideration. … the identity goes from identity to identity.

Yes… everything is ‘rote,’ there are always certain beats to hit… it’s like a connect-the-dots drawing. Everything is planned out / set up in advance. There’s no artistry in it. And it’s not sweet either, because the way ‘I’ know where to go next is the love and desire and the hate and the fear.

I’m thin… what is going to happen next?

Peter: ‘a sweetness that was palpable rather than feeling based. I heard the words ‘This is not only for me, this is for everybody’ as I was literally being bathed in this sweetness.’

This sweetness always accompanied an experience (…) that I was close to my destiny and an awareness that what I am doing/ longing for is not merely for my ‘peace of mind’, but that it is for everybody, for every single man, woman and child on the planet – for peace on earth.’

This experience of sweetness is about being close to one’s destiny (actual freedom) whereas a PCE is a glimpse into the actual world that can happen anywhere/ anywhen on the path/during the process to one’s destiny.

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Contemplating rejection further - I can see that I am afraid of being ‘cast out’ due to having taken too many risks, and being rejected by all.

So it’s interesting because I’m afraid to fully explore freedom because that is hanging over me.

What if I am ‘cast out?’

Ostracized.

Ostracism (Greek: ὀστρακισμός, ostrakismos) was an Athenian democratic procedure in which any citizen could be expelled from the city-state of Athens for ten years. While some instances clearly expressed popular anger at the citizen, ostracism was often used preemptively. It was used as a way of neutralizing someone thought to be a threat to the state or potential tyrant though in many cases popular opinion often informed the choice regardless. The word “ostracism” continues to be used for various cases of social shunning.

Shunning can be the act of social rejection, or emotional distance. In a religious context, shunning is a formal decision by a denomination or a congregation to cease interaction with an individual or a group, and follows a particular set of rules. It differs from, but may be associated with, excommunication.

Interesting, greek ostracism required a quorum aka a minimum number of assembly members to vote for a specific person to be ostracized.

It required 6,000 athenians to all agree that the person should be ostracized. That shows how extreme it is for that to happen.

It happens with a much lower bar in a relationship or family setting, though.

I’ve been here before: if my family decides to reject me, I’ll be ok. There are already small rejections every day and that’s ok.

If my partner rejects me, that’s ok. That’s part of her freedom. Again, there are already many small rejections.

And then it’s just the same for anyone else who I could meet. Of course they can reject me. That is actually sweet… that is their freedom to operate in action.

So the extra-spicy version is, ‘everyone rejects Henry.’

6,000 people all agree to kick me out.

Because I asked too many girls on dates.

“There’s Henry… he’s creepy af.”

That’s the fear, right there. I’ve seen girls say that about other men, the disgust-disdain dripping from their voices.

In fact I’ve seen it so many times that it’s almost certain that someone has said it about me. Actually I am certain.

And it was ok. I’m sitting here typing this. It’s quite light.

I do have the stress from this anticipation/memory, though. Ok.

Really it began in like Kindergarten, being taught how I’m supposed to operate in relation to girls. We were sort of taught to hold them at a distance. To be super careful.

Somehow it was ok to relax more around people of our own gender. I guess because of all the sex problems that people produce. It’s a human-conditioning coping mechanism for a thorny problem.

That is no longer relevant for me.

I don’t have to keep being careful like that.

A woman is not a fragile vase.

More on shunning:

Social rejection occurs when a person or group deliberately avoids association with, and habitually keeps away from an individual or group. This can be a formal decision by a group, or a less formal group action which will spread to all members of the group as a form of solidarity. It is a sanction against association, often associated with religious groups and other tightly knit organizations and communities. Targets of shunning can include persons who have been labeled as apostates, whistleblowers, dissidents, strikebreakers, or anyone the group perceives as a threat or source of conflict. Social rejection has been established to cause psychological damage and has been categorized as torture[1] or punishment.[2]

Interesting, “established to cause psychological damage”

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So that’s the instinctual response I’m having to it, “psychological damage.”

This memory keeps popping into my experience as I contemplate ‘ultimate rejection,’ of walking by myself on a beach in the winter. I remember I was interested in this girl, I was very infatuated with her, and she was shutting me down subtly but I was having a little trouble taking the hint. But I remember walking around with this sense of devastation, total barrenness. So I’m getting the flavor of that as I wander in this arena.

Normally rejection is super coddled, like completely taken for granted that it ‘feels bad.’ People will comfort you like no tomorrow. I remember when a girl-friend of mine was broken up with, another one of her friends pulled out all the stops, set up a ‘girl’s night,’ bought tubs of ice cream.

Because of comforting to prevent the devastation-barrenness.

And actually that’s the same wound I carried after my two major breakups later on. I remember that barrenness.

Now that I’m getting into it I can see that that feeling has characterized / kick-started all of the darkest periods of my life! Ok, well it makes sense that I have a bit of skittishness around it lmao

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I’m having a great time with all this. It has the same high-stakes thrill as riding a skateboard super fast or riding a motorcycle

Barrenness is definitely pretty antithetical to sweetness. Certainly not perfection. It has a stark quality… stark reality maybe.

R: I remember you talking about some of the negative things that can happen. You spent the best part of one day experiencing panic … we are looking for some negative things. For as far as I can remember, that was four months ago. Then there was that time you experienced everything as being stark – barren was the word you used.

Q(1): Yes, I thought that I had gone back into that spiritual stuff that I used to experience.

R: You said that in the middle of it that you remembered something that I had written that was important to you. Where I have written about traversing a barren wasteland … about needing nerves of steel whilst in durance-vile. You realised that back in your spiritual days this was where you would have gone for hope, so as to avoid falling into despair. To come out of despair one must enter into hope. And you said that you were sitting there, up on the hill over-looking the ocean …

Q(1): … and I realised that I couldn’t go into hope again.

R: … couldn’t go into hope again … and you sat there and realised that you were to simply sit in this starkness, this barrenness, and not move in any direction whatever. Not move psychologically, I mean. That is; emotionally or mentally. That is very, very important – not to move.

R: I remember well, you saying that. I thought to myself: ‘Well, that’s good’. Because that indicated to me that something was very strongly happening to you … no matter how unpleasant. Not that I wish a panic experience upon anyone – but if it happens it is part of life’s experience. That is where the ‘unknown’ of it comes in. That is where you think: ‘Oh, my goodness, what am I doing to myself?’ Or: ‘What is going on?’. I consider that is what lay behind you coming in the other night giggling and saying: ‘I don’t know for sure what’s going on’ – not your exact words, but something similar. The sense I got of it was: ‘I’m not too sure what’s going on, whether this is a good thing or not, but it’s happening!’ But, you are doing it.

Q(1): And I remember that it was very much to do with … like looking at my hand and realising this is the hand of a human being – and a human being obviously lives on this planet. And I could see it like a claw … I could see ‘chicken-skin’ … and also that it was getting old … that this was the end of a 49-year old man … and that’s it.

R: I can relate to that from seventeen years ago when I first started getting into all this. I too looked at my hand, wondering why I had never seen my before – it had a stark quality to it. Stark is a good word but it unfortunately has negative connotations – for it was seeing stark reality for the first time. I remember being fascinated, despite my qualms, and then one day it shifted through to an actuality in which the magical qualities of the intimacy of directly experiencing the actualness of my hand became apparent.

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Yes, it is barren, it is stark. This cannot be rushed.

It’s the facts of my reality, stark reality.

Staying in this experience, the rejection is firmly in my view, it is no longer something I’m avoiding. Because of this, I’m really looking at it stably for the first time. The previous couple of times were always fleeting (though still full of insight).

Similarly, whenever I’ve been in barrenness in the past I’d be looking for a way out of it asap.

I can use fascination as a tool for attentiveness without leaving this.

So tired. Unhappiness. Mopey.

Hungry. This physical body requires food.

My whole reality is barren. I can see the barren, dead nature of it coming from every direction. And the actuality is sweet. It’s behind, ‘barren.’

I haven’t even wanted to look at reality for a long time because of ‘barren.’ That’s the wound I took, was from those barren experiences. I moved away from the city because I never wanted to experience that again. But it wasn’t the city. It was me.

Nothing safe or warm anywhere, just cold dead walls.

It’s all the same reality under there, it’s just been hidden from view. Dissociated.

That’s exactly what i saw the other week in my “disgust vs desire” experience.

Thanks for the link to this.

When there is no disgust (Richard uses “repulsion”) both myself and the other become free to be as we actually are.

Not striving to be desirable, or trying to hide ourselves because we a disgusting in some way.

Just here.

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The clear experiences of ‘durance vile’ barren, stark, and experiences of sweetness have cast me into ever-sharper relief. I can see when I flee into triumph, into ‘the knower,’ and my process right now is to re-enter durance vile, with enjoyment present thanks to doing it on purpose / doing it for me/she/him/everyone, for the sake of freedom for all.

Whenever I am in that barren wasteland now, sweetness is shining through as if through a fine-woven net.

Further reference to ‘barren’:

a word of experiential advice: just prior to apperception occurring, ‘I’, the beholder – the one who wants to be in control – can view life as being bereft of depth. Everything can become flat, two-dimensional, barren and stark. This is not actuality, although one may be inclined to feel it to be so. This is reality, stark reality, and is not to be confused with actuality. Actuality is never, ever, stark. This starkness can influence one to pull back, to retreat into ‘normal’ life. Courage of one’s conviction and confidence in the purity of the actual is essential if one is to proceed. All of one’s ‘being’ wants to back off and regain the once-despised reality that looks so attractive now, from this extreme position. This stark reality is a barrier; it is a desert of monumental proportions that one can only traverse if supplied with the fortitude garnered from the peak experience. Then one is willing to endure the ghastly reality masquerading as the actual. The very ground beneath one’s feet can appear to shift, to disappear, and all seems to hang upon nothing. Unsupported and alone, one is in the outer-most reaches of ‘being’. The feeling is that one cannot survive this appalling emptiness without going mad. To be in durance vile is not for the faint-hearted, the weak of knee. Nerves of steel are essential if one is to meet one’s destiny. It is the adventure of a life-time.

I’m not having the response, ‘fear of becoming mad’ perhaps because I already got past that one(?) a month ago.

I’m not having ‘desire to regain reality’

‘all seems to hang upon nothing’ is happening.

It is likely that there is further ‘barren’ to enter that I haven’t fully allowed yet.

I had this experience once, whilst infatuated with a woman. The ground began to spin, without me feeling dizziness at all. I was looking at the ground and it was moving and shifting.

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I’ve had an experience in meditation of my sense of scale going completely haywire… I was a giant, briefly

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I’m often surprised by how literal these types of things are once you have the genuine experience

(Eg, ‘intestinal fortitude’)

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1|3|22

I’ve been more or less inhabiting barren for the last several days, with numerous discoveries arising thanks to being willing to be there.

In the past I had always fled as fast as I could into a new reality, a new hope.

At this stage, for me, ‘barren’ is the absolute best place to be because I can see ‘me’ extremely clearly. Crystal clear. Without ‘getting up to flee,’ me is happening right in front of me.

Strangely, because I want to be here, it’s painful but not painful. It’s very odd. I can see how one could enter enlightenment from here.

The sweetness is coming through frequently, and it’s not coming from me.

I can’t rush the ‘barren’ experience, because it would mean trying to ignore things. The observations and removals have to happen at their own pace. What I can do is, allow the barrenness to happen as completely as I can, much in the same way as allowing the sweetness to happen. It’s the beginning of allowing ‘out-from-control’

I’m beginning to experience ‘nothing can go wrong’ because not being afraid of ‘stark, barren,’ nothing can really hurt me anymore.

All my worst fears are right in front of me, in fact I’m being hit by them constantly now. But as I said above it’s what I’m doing, on purpose. I understand that this is where I need to be.

I have found myself attempting to ‘bring my friends along with me,’ I have tremendous drive right now to share with others ‘my discovery.’

I see this as human ‘fellowshipping,’ like how Frodo has to get his fellowship around him before he goes to Mordor.

‘I’ want to have my buddies around me as protection.

I’m not sure what will have to happen for me to drop that. I think it will drop automatically as part of the barrenness.

I could see talking to a couple of people last night that they couldn’t tell what I was experiencing. I was trying to ‘bring them here.’

That’s probably reckless on my part. It’s for ‘me.’ They can’t come if they’re not ready.

‘I’ partly conceptualize these human beings ‘I’ call ‘my friends’ as these helpers for me to become free. So I have to drag them along with me. But I have to be considerate of where they are, what they are wanting, what their capabilities are. It’s no good for me to rush anything. That is a recipe for later problems.

It’s no problem for me to share this or that tidbit. But any pressure at all is going to be problems.

There’s also an element of bragging/showing off. “Look where I am! Look at what I can do!”

That is actually going back into reality. It’s ‘my’ accomplishment. I’m bringing home my little drawing to mommy to show off that I am ‘good.’

What do I think that gets me? Security… love… all that gets me is more humanity, codependency, insecurity. I’m waiting for their approval. I won’t get it for long, it returns to rejection.

It also means my own rejection has primacy.

I’m doing the same thing with Discourse: ‘I hope these people will approve of me, I hope these people will find me impressive.’

And hoping they will ‘be where I am’ ‘understand me.’

Interesting.

It’s a bit funny bc I simultaneously/alternately want to impress people (“be above them”) and have safety from people (“be below them”), depending on how confident I am in any moment… in other words what my emotional charge is moment to moment.

Proud = showing-off, insecure = desiring protection.

But it all depends on ‘knowing what’s happening,’ ‘the one who wants control’ being supreme.

Opposed to what Peter says, “I don’t know what’s happening to me,” “Out from control,” “allowing it to happen,” “I am the universe experiencing itself being alive.”

What is in the way of perfection?

Still waiting for others to entertain me

I imagine that I ‘feel better’ with them here / performing a certain way. That’s fantasy

In actuality I’m a bit sick, low energy, I don’t want anyone around right now.

What’s happening is already perfect. Pre-eminently perfect.

Objections are very few, gossamer-like

I made a connection last night that I was fantasizing about asking this girl out, but that the fantasy did nothing for me… it was a mental rehearsal for something that would never happen (at least, the way that I was rehearsing), and something I’ve rehearsed many times with many different girls without anything happening (again, the way that I imagined). I could see that the actual moment of interacting with someone is a totally different category than whatever fantasy-‘rehearsal.’

And if anything all the rehearsing is holding her at a distance, it’s preventing any interaction from ever happening. Really the way it would work is, I just find myself somewhere. I find myself talking with her, I find myself saying this or that. It’s all surprising, it’s not planned. Any planned interaction would be wooden… not a recipe for anything sincere, for anything that I want to happen. It’s antithetical to freedom.

Which also explains why it has never worked out for me in the past, the entire ‘being’ that I’ve been in with attraction has been a block to anything good happening.

Everything that has happened with me and my partner has been circumstantial-coincidental, a total surprise. We’ve put effort and growth into everything good and sincere that has happened between us, ‘I’ have done that work but it never went according to my plan. Ever since the beginnging.

Part of what’s been valuable about opening up rejection again, about going back into ‘barren,’ is that I can see that it’s the same old me, I can see where I’ve always gone wrong in the past. The connections are adding up. And now it’s now, I have the opportunity to be different with all the awareness that I have now. I don’t want to squander what has happened, everything that I have done.

With this girl that I’m attracted to, I don’t want more of the same, for me to be going to her from insecurity hoping for her to fill a hole in me.

I know it can be different than that, and it’s something I can do right now, from here on this couch typing this. It starts now (just as it has started from all the other ‘now’s’ going backwards). Because it is always now.

Just right now she is somewhere, doing something - who knows what. Actually existing.

This is fertile ground for me.

Overwhelmingly sweet

‘I’ would rather be in the fantasy/reality

I do it for them, for her, for me, for him.

The actuality is here waiting. I remember seeing it

But it means giving up on the fantasy, forever.

To be here instead.

It’s really magical. More magical than I ever had the capacity to remember

The magic doesn’t fit in ‘my’ memory. It’s not compatible

Faltering between wanting to see people and wanting to hide in a way that indicates self

Both are perfect options right now

Why do I not want to be seen?

I’m afraid of their response… of not being understood… once again, of rejection.

Why does it always come back to rejection?

I believe that rejection is bad

It’s people’s natural defense

They reject because it is human to reject

It is part of the makeup of, ‘human’

Humanity

History is full of rejections big and small

Families and relationships are full of rejection

I want them to see how ‘good’ I am, I don’t want them to see how ‘bad’ I am, how weak I am, destitute, broken, helpless, confused.

All ‘me.’

Here, the actual. Here, ‘me.’

Physically tired, head hurts a bit, cut off from sweetness somehow… I am looking for a way out

My grandiose plans didn’t pan out… as always!

Have to find perfection in ‘tired.’

I’m keeping it ‘over there’ at a safe distance from myself right now

Conditional

(cont.)

What are my wounds?

I want to have a good time with people, I feel lonely

I want to have a good time with myself, I want to be happy

…your endless neediness born out of being alone in the world. The cause of sadness and loneliness [aka sorrow] is not, as is commonly believed, alienation from others. The single reason for being alone and lonely is from not being what-I-am. By not being this flesh and blood body just brimming with sensory organs, but being, instead, an identity within ‘I’ am doomed to perpetual loneliness and aloneness. ‘I’ am fated to ever pursue an elusive ‘Someone’ or ‘Something’ that will fill that aching void.

When I am what-I-am, there is no void. By being what I actually am – this body only – I have no need for others; hence I also have no need to place the burden upon them to fulfil that what was lacking. Not only do I free myself from that perpetual pursuit, but I also free others in my company from the task ‘I’ impose upon them. Being this sensual body is actual fulfilment, each moment again. Nevermore will I be needy, greedy and grasping. Nevermore will I plot and plan and manipulate others. Nevermore will I have to prostitute myself to others to assuage those main attributes of the identity within: being lost, lonely, frightened and cunning. Being what-I-am is to be free-flowing, spontaneous, delightful … and it is fun, for one can never be hurt again’.

That ‘someone’ or ‘something’ take myriad forms, none of which ever fill said aching void.

None of ‘my accomplishments’ ever fill it.

1|4|21

In a half-awake state, it became clear that I haven’t felt wanted in my family, I feel a burden.

I have worn identities, represented here as clothing, as a way of ‘covering myself up,’ ‘altering myself,’ both to look like something else than what-I-am in hopes of being want-able, and as armor.

Around a year before I was born my mother had a still-born girl and to that point in her life that was the hardest thing she had experienced

When I was born it was into that depressive hole… but of course I could not fill it.

I’m sure it was hard on my father as well, both the still-born and my mother being unhappy for that long period. Darkness at home.

My siblings have always called me sensitive… that is where I developed that sensitivity. I tried to run away from home when I was 3 or 4.

Something I’ve noticed in myself is, in fighting games, I always favor the long distance weapons. I don’t like to be in the thick of things, in the muck & the mire.

I like to reach in, lay down my influence, and leave, untouched. I don’t like to be touched.

At the same time I have this exhibitionism - wanting to be seen, but not touched.

And at the same time, I do want to be touched. But on my terms.

And at the same time, I want it to be loose, carefree, spontaneous.

All of these cannot coexist.

It’s really interesting because freedom seems to check so many of these boxes… there’s a meme in the meme time page, ‘do you want oblivion?’ and when ‘I’ am not there, there is no ‘me’ to be threatened. So there is no problem.

The controller.

I keep wanting everything to be on my terms because I’m so insecure.

When I was a baby it didn’t feel so good, so I developed a mis-trust of the world. But it wasn’t the world, it was just that my mother was having a hard time. It’s not even her fault, that’s just how it happened.

I couldn’t see the world, but I could feel emotions. So a fingerprint was created. A way-of-being.

I’m sure these stories I’m creating aren’t accurate completely. So many other things have happened in my life. But, the feeling is accurate. That is useful to me, to see what I am feeling.

I don’t have to ‘wear clothes’ anymore. It’s ok to be naked, it’s ok to be seen, because I look the same as everybody.

I’m removing my clothes because that is where the return to spontaneity is.

Because I don’t feel wanted by others, I don’t want myself either. I wish I was something else because I imagine that if I were, I would be wanted.

Strangely, when I am wanted by others, such is the strength of my feeling-identity that I reduce their importance: if they want me, they must be a fool! I am worthless.

I also have something in common with my partner, which is trying to escape from ‘me’ by shooting for grandiose aims. There is megalomania in that.

And yet it still comes from insecurity.

I saw last week that insecurity is because ‘I’ am helpless. Nothing I try works. My greatest plans fail. Everything fails. There are little pockets of ‘success’ that turn to ash in my mouth before the week is out - every time.

I’m constantly amazed that I’m still an actualist, because I have never been anything for this long before. I always have had to bail because it would stop working.

But it’s not my success exactly… well, it sort of is.

But really the reason it works is because of the universe, not because of me. Things just work this way, I’m just aligning with that. Credit to me. But still.

When I look back into my life history, it’s so circumstantial. I just wound up here. All the little moments of seeing.

I’m not a ‘young man’ with all that entails, I’m a human being. This human being. I do a lot of different things, at different times there are different things to be done. Right now, it’s ‘become free’ but later it will be something else. I’m also taking care of random practical things all the time or looking at various entertainment.

(Cont)

Still thinking about that girl that I saw the other day, running a fantasy of asking her out. And I’m still blocking myself, I think it would be weird / unwelcome to ask her out at her place of work. That’s a belief, that that would be bad. Clearly persisting.

From my own side, I would be unbothered. So I think there’s something different about other people from me.

I do know that many people don’t like that, that it would be unwelcome for them.

So then I’m caught in-between, not wanting to give up the fantasy but also feeling like any step forward is ‘wrong.’

Nowhere safe in that. Either option feels bad.

Here I am, actually existing. I’m sitting in a cafe, coffee with cream and a cookie at hand. I even have a sunlit view of a mountain.

It’s very cold outside, and very pretty.

Part of how identity has gotten me into ‘spots’ in the past has been with running away with a plan before I know the first thing about the situation. I don’t know if she’s interested in me, if she’s in a monogamous relationship already, if her life is full, if she’s not looking for romance, if she would have any interest in all this ‘becoming free’ activity. But my fantasy pays that no mind. It charges ahead with a scripted dream of everything that I want to happen.

“Becoming free in the world as-it-is, with people as they are.”

That means, “miserable and malicious.”

That’s what constitutes humanity. At the core.

Do I continue to wait forever and a day for everyone else to become free first so my fantasy can eventuate? No… that would most likely be long after I’ve died.

Until then, arguments and sorrow are to be expected.

That means: no fantasy. It’s just not there. This girl I’m thinking of has her baggage, her sore spots, her hang ups, her beliefs, her own sources of anger and sorrow.

And I’ve had enough experience now to know that I won’t be able to just reason her out of it. There is no ‘perfect thing to say.’ If there were, it wouldn’t have taken 30 years since Richard becoming free for a handful of free people. Richard is plenty articulate.

Even with my fantasy coming ‘true’ I know I’d be dissatisfied, because I can’t just be in bed 100% of the time. I can’t be like ‘high-mindedly discussing life’ 100% of the time, either. I’d find something to have a problem with.

Not to say that it might be worth doing. I guess I just don’t know. So many judgment calls to be made, and at age 32 I have such limited judgment and experience. There’s something sweet in that. Young & dumb. I can work with that.

Right now my ambience in that is, ‘nervous.’

I can find the excitement in that.

There’s aliveness in that.

It means I care.

It’s been a long time since I’ve cared this way.

Buddhism did a number on ‘care.’ Not to mention the other various things I’ve done to cope. I’ve been ‘cool’ for a long time, that’s no good for care.

Sincerity.

I am alive.

I want to live the best life possible. That means, working with the facts. It requires a certain amount of adjustments. Working out contradictions. Deluded is what we are. That’s the starting point.

What a strange existence this is.

What I have to do right now is, become free of ‘pretty girls.’

And, become free of ‘you can’t ask them out.’

‘You shouldn’t talk to them.’

The implication is that they are made of fine china, a misplaced word speaks disaster

If that’s how they want to be, they can. Just seems like a miserable existence.

I suppose I’ve always vibed with sensitive people, lol.

Sensitive in that sense just means, ‘afraid.’

We are all afraid. But are we so afraid that we cannot speak?

Sometimes. I suppose that is the state of humanity. There are some people who can speak. Who can take some steps.

And that’s who I’d like to hang out with anyway. Which means, there’s no harm that comes with rejection if I say something. If she cannot or doesn’t want to speak, then there is no loss there.

I have been existing in ‘hope,’ in ‘potential’ that doesn’t exist. All that matters is the actual.

This life is what is happening now.

I’m still waiting for others to ‘perform.’

They will never perform. They will never give me what I want, because I am insatiable.

All that is left to do is enjoy and appreciate what is actual. The way it is, now.

(cont)

I had a little cough that I was trying to hold in in the cafe but it was a bit tortuous, eventually I realized it was best for me to leave. People aren’t super comfortable with coughing people these days.

Nothing bad in any of that. Now I’m back at work, where I can let out a cough every now and then with no harm done. That’s good for this body / that body. It’s nice to simply do what’s best. No need to hide.

I have a persistent fear of people being mad at me which is worth chipping at for a bit.

If I’m sincerely being engaged with life and aiming to do what’s best for this body / every body, then it’s pretty silly for anyone to get mad at me.

And even with being an identity and doing silly things with frequency, their anger doesn’t help matters. It’s a force.

When I’m troubled by their anger, it has power over me. I’m verifying it.

I’ve had some luck lately with seeing anger as simply silly. Not helping at all. I say something or wait for them to chill. A lot of times when I do that people end up apologizing. When they’re given a few beats, they realize it’s silly too. Often they have a moral response against themselves. I can’t do anything about that, but either way often the anger doesn’t last long.

Someone that’s frequently angry is pretty unhappy. All that desire for control, and they’re pushing everyone away from them.

I don’t have to play by their rules. I don’t have to hang around. I certainly don’t have to be controlled by their desire for control. They aren’t right just because they are worked up. I don’t have to apologize. I don’t have to do anything. There is nothing that must be done.

It is a natural human emotion which I fully expect to occur at close-range many more times in my life. It would be very surprising if it didn’t. That is the state of humans on this earth.

Part of the deal. The actual world.

Will that be the obstacle that forever keeps me from releasing?

Nothing shatters my love-fantasy quite like anger. She’s not supposed to be angry with me. It doesn’t follow the script. The script with anger is, ‘everything is all messed up.’ Obviously for ‘me,’ that’s reason to be upset, unhappy, discontent, depressed etc. etc.

Well, no longer.

The deal now is, ‘happy & harmless.’

She’s angry? That’s cool. Happy & harmless.

I’m alone? Ok. Happy & harmless.

People don’t want me around? They are disgusted by me? They reject me (& tell their friends!) chill. Happy & harmless is what I do.

There’s still variation in my experiencing the last couple of days, but the overall tone is quite stark. Cold. It’s interesting, everything has a bit more ‘bite’ to it.

Right now it’s 6 degrees F here in Juneau (-15 C for all you commies out there :wink: ) and my tiny house has limited heat capabilities so it’s been cold inside. I was feeling lonely last night and the cold really complimented that feeling. I climbed into bed and was even cold in bed for awhile to really bring it home! Until I came to my senses and found a sleeping bag to put on top of my blankets.

There is something about the cold which brings out ‘lonely.’ I’d guess the heat of another body connects to that at a very deep level.

The perfect time to investigate!!!

It was very telling just in terms of, ‘what is best for this body.’ I’ve been a bit sick this week as well, and so my energy levels are very depleted, I’m not very motivated to do much of anything. Even playing video games often feels like too much effort. So my negative narratives will come in, ‘I’m so lazy’ ‘I never do anything’ ‘lonely,’ but literally the best thing for me to do is lie in bed in my cold house under a million blankets with a cough drop. And then once I’d had enough of lying in bed, I did get up and play video games for a bit and it was fun actually.

But not much of that matches with any narrative I have. It’s all based on girls. And that narrative means that ‘disgust,’ ‘rejection,’ ‘anger,’ are all very heavy for me.

No more. It’s all happy & harmless now. Stark vibes for a few weeks / months? Believe it or not, also happy & harmless.

I think I have been semi at loose ends of what to do with my free time lately. It has always been focused around friends & girls, but that is starting to tatter. I wonder what will happen. I’ve been playing some video games, but I can only do that so much. Watching movies or shows is very hit & miss. Last night I found myself narrating my own action (of doing ‘not much’) which had the effect of amusing me thoroughly and gave me a high awareness. I suppose technically I’m always doing something, I don’t have to be doing ‘SOMETHING.’ Like, I’m breathing right now. That’s something. It’s just identity that wants me to be doing something. Something I can report back as, ‘good.’

Really I’m reporting it back to myself, but it’s the same thing to report it back to the rest of the other ‘selves.’

In my mind I’m running over and over again my own thoughts & actions, checking & re-checking for ‘good.’

I can see it happening in real-time right now

Like, it’s not enough to sit here peacefully. I also need to make sure I’m sitting here peacefully ‘correctly.’

Peace is here & now.

Something consistent about wondering where my friends or partner are and feeling lonely

Reading the simple actualism PCE page and it’s doing work for me, there’s something about magic/sweet/the actual that contains everything all at the same time. I guess everything that is is right now… Even if I’m remembering something, the remembering is happening right now. So everything is literally right now. It’s like I can perceive everything at the same time. Maybe that’s infinitude.

Everything is either experienced as now, or as a memory/fantasy (these two are functionally the same thing).

So I’m making a choice, do I live in memory/fantasy, or do I live actually here, where everything is happening? Where everything is. Where what is, is happening.

And it is magical…

The remembering-fantasizing is happening now, so I’m just making that choice to use my moment of experiencing on remembering-fantasizing. So it’s a pretty simple choice then, would I rather remember-fantasize, or actually be here (as in, ‘me’ is out of the picture/reduced)?

The key here is the emotional tone… the ‘being…’

The being wants to feel something about what’s ‘happening’ / has happened / ‘will happen.’

It’s so delusional…

1|5|22

Claudiu’s post seems to have set me straight. I have indeed been existing in love, perfection does indeed have a significantly different character.

My jealousy is entirely predicated on love, because it is making the assumption that if my partner falls in love with someone else, that that is a desirable state and that I am ‘missing out.’

With no love as an essential ingredient, there is no ‘missing out.’

All the kissing, sex, staring into eachother’s eyes are just window-dressing for the love

While I was driving home I was getting small glimpses of the actual and it was immediately clear that all these things, ‘love,’ ‘relationship,’ whatever ‘approach to life,’ ‘philosophy,’ I have legitimately block the view to the actual.

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1|5|22

Richard on the ‘short-cut path’ to freedom:

the above conditions are utterly vital – entirely confident/ absolute certainty (PCE) freed of doubt/ absence of choice – else any invocatory destiny will be, at best, fruitless. (At worst … well, fill in your own nightmare/ your own screaming heebie-jeebies scenario).

…the identity inhabiting this flesh and blood body all those years ago had no precedent to assure ‘him’ it was possible yet ‘he’ was entirely confident – with the certainty pure consciousness experiences (PCE’s) confer that it be ‘his’ destiny to manumit the body ‘he’ held in bondage.

Thus ‘he’ never had any doubt – ‘he’ was freed of doubt by that very absence of choice – an actual freedom was possible, in ‘his’ lifetime, for this flesh and blood body. (Any doubt comes from choice; for most people choice implies freedom – the freedom to chose – yet as choice means options there is always doubt; an actual freedom comes about by there being no choice whatsoever … hence the word destiny).

I still have doubt… more confidence must be found.

Richard describes it as, ‘absence of choice.’

So, I can check off my various choice-objections.

What is one of my choices?

To give up on the whole freedom thing… I can see immediately that my interest is to go into love

And to go into ‘cool,’ ‘competent,’ ‘impressive’

Interesting