12|29|21
Ok… what’s up?
An interesting few days…
Intentionally put myself in direct line-of-sight and close-range of my partner canoodling with another man with whom she has been sharing increasingly intimate relations over the last several weeks.
This experience I found at the time quite traumatic… it had the character of being hit over and over by waves larger than I could handle… each time trying to gasp for breath and being hit by the next wave before I had properly breathed in… and inhaling sea-water, to boot.
I told them that I was experiencing those waves because I was a bit concerned about over-traumatizing myself (idk what the ‘correct approach’ is here (?) but that’s what I did / what I was ready for, and they received it well and the next day we were able to eventually have a direct conversation about the experience.
I can’t say I’m 100% clear since then or that I’ve remotely ‘figured it out’ but it did make it stark-clear the emotions that I’m experiencing with jealousy-possession-love.
The overpowering strength of them is apparent.
Putting myself in that intense-polarizing situation served me as it cast the emotion into exceptionally sharp-obvious relief. Looking back I am glad that I didn’t fully spiral into out-of-control traumatic compartmentalization.
Hm…. I may be fooling myself with that somewhat… “I am in control.”
No matter. That is where I am now.
In any case, the next day hiking back from camping (all of this occurred at a cabin in the woods… just the three of us!), it became clear that what I was afraid of was, ‘being locked out of sweetness.’
I associate making out / female company / love with sweetness, so in other words as long as I ‘possess her’ / there are only situations where she is canoodling with me / staring deeply into my eyes etc. then I like it, but when that is threatened then I VERY DON’T like it.
There is also hypocrisy in this that I can see, which is that when she DOES do all those things with me for a little while, then I just start desiring all of the above with some other woman: she is obviously not enough.
The being just wants more… and when it’s threatened then, it’s, well, a threat.
But this observation gave me something obvious to look for: sweetness.
OBVIOUSLY, she is not the only source of sweetness. I have had many of PCEs, most of which were in my own company with no woman present. So it’s just a question of bringing that home to ‘me.’ I can increase the sweetness of any non-partner situation, reduce the fantasization of love-situations, and continue to cultivate sweetness in her presence as well - making it unconditional.
This is my mission at the moment.
I won’t get into details with this but later that same day her and I had a very bumpy conversation which further verified the strength of all the possessive-jealous-love emotions, the effect they have on her, as well as the strength of the overall emotional dynamic/whirl-pool that we create together.
I’m happy to say that both my motivation and the way forward in this issue are very obvious at this juncture.
I can see: ‘I’ REALLY LIKE that moment where she is gazing into my eyes with a look of deep love.
And that that ‘REALLY LIKE’ creates the whole rest of the mess.
And that that ‘REALLY LIKE’ only comes because of the misery that my daily life consists of and ‘me’ trying to escape into the arms of the beloved.
Where… I imagine that I will simply melt into her arms and stay there forever and ever and ever and it will just be so great.
So long as she or I don’t get antsy/big-headed and decide that maybe someone else’s arms sound more appealing lmao. Which is… only a matter of time really. Especially when you consider that we’re two young humans.
Sweetness: it is always. Even when people are being pretty silly.
One other thing: I do think that she and this man were being pretty careless with me, knowing that I was sensitive about that situation. But it is human. It’s not a surprise. I’m certainly being silly about a lot of things.
It’s interesting to consider, ‘what I accept / what I don’t accept.’
What I can do is, make sweetness unconditional. Then I don’t have to ‘sell out’ for those love-situations anymore. I can see that I do it, over and over. The internet has a word for it, ‘simping.’ I simp.
And it doesn’t work. She still goes her own way. Sigh sigh sigh. Sweetness.
Usually it’s ‘how can I move the target so I can still get what I want / get a sliver of what I want,’ ‘how can I manipulate her somehow.’
Anyway, enough theorizing for now. Just have to live the sweet perfection that this moment consists of.