Yeah it’s quite fun to get down to the nitty gritty of these beliefs because this modus operandi of ‘performance for reward’ is the normal way we are taught to operate.
The interesting thing is how it links back to the belief in a god, in the ultimate authority that sees all your right deeds and will reward you suitably.
So I take this normal mindset to actualism and all of a sudden I am frustrated that my performances are not being rewarded, but there is no god in actuality so I am appealing to a piece of programming, to the hope that the right performance will have me rewarded.
I’ve wondered this about love for a while. Everyone sees the same proselytization of love in the media and by our society in general. Is it just me who got caught in the trap of believing that love could be my purpose in life? Everyone else seems to balance their love life and their main purpose just fine. They don’t seem enamored by the idea. It’s almost as if they already know that the media is just exaggerating everything, and you can’t really make a life out of love.
I’m at the point where I don’t think I can ever fall in love again. It has just proven to be a dumb idea with disastrous consequences for everyone involved. It just doesn’t work. It took hundreds of failed attempts for me to realize it. How does everyone already know this lesson?
I have some theories
some people keep trying with different people, they haven’t given up on the idea of love
some people keep trying with the same person, they haven’t given up on love
some people give up and stay single, they also haven’t given up on love (or maybe some have)
I guess not having an alternative like actualism would not allow you to give up on the exalted deity that is love
Yeah it’s like they know deep down the pitfalls of love but then without any other alternative they cannot abandon it, because then “life would be meaningless” and they would “be like a zombie” etc.
Then there is always that hope for ‘true love’ which keeps people hoping that things might be different one day, that they just haven’t met the right person etc.
It’s funny because really it is just shifting the goalposts each time so that love itself is never questioned, person after person is at fault and never love itself.
That together with the fact that love is so deeply woven into our culture it is a taboo to even contemplate abandoning it.
This is an extreme example but not long ago I saw a video of this man in Poland first shooting his ex lovers new boyfriend in broad daylight and then killing himself after, whilst the woman watched in horror. The thing is I remember the intense feelings of jealousy, rage, hatred etc that love always stirred up in me.
I can easily see how one could be driven to do something so extreme by love and somehow love gets pardoned every time. The person is seen at fault and yet any sane person can become as if possessed when these feelings are in full force.
Allowing love to run the show is basically leaving a door open for a hurricane of passions to blitz through. I guess that is why most people as they get older settle for a different kind of love, they learn to control it and work around it, but again if it takes that much effort to make it workable then why not just get rid of it lol.
Had a nice taste of purity yesterday, all by deciding that I’m not going to worry anymore. What became clear to me is that none of my problems mattered at all when I’m feeling great/excellent. So by deciding there was nothing to solve, there turned out to be nothing to solve . It’s everything I’ve ever wanted.
I don’t want to delude myself though. Aiming for a clear and stable PCE so that I don’t need to convince myself about feeling good
For the past few days I have put everything on a it does not matter basis. I had been wondering why feeling good and carefree is supposed to be effortless but it’s not. Why do I have to go into a 15 min investigation to try to attempt to feel good. My recent foray into purity gave me the answer I needed. What actually happens is I become triggered and immediately “be” some feeling (worry/anxiety is prominent for me). I then immediately begin an investigation to determine the root cause. But I am still being the feeling, so this investigation is fraudulent. What I’m actually attempting is to get rid of the feeling. This is attempted suppression. Even attempting to “be” the feeling is to try to get rid of it. No, the reason I’m trying all these things is because I don’t want to feel it. So in order to feel it, I must stop trying to find the answer to my real world issue. Then when I stopped, the feeling became even more intense because obviously, fear is compelling me to do something. So when I refuse to go down that path, “I” become even more frantic. Now I can really feel the feeling. In a short time it subsides and the peace is evident.
Now that I’ve given up on solving my real world “problems”, the energy is not going down that path anymore. A caveat is that I say “problems” because they’re not really problems. By being fear or worry, I create “problems”. Real problems in your life do need fixing, but I often notice that an innate intelligence knows when a problem is truly critical. But again even if it is, feelings can muddy up the decision making.
I am noticing how I’m getting triggered by literally anything. And I am always busy solving bullshit concocted by the feelings. Now the “no matter what it is” is really making sense. I thank @henryyyyyyyyyy for giving me the final push to try this in his post the other day.
Tried very hard to experience purity yesterday, failed miserably. Just got frustrated and angry. I think it is not possible to force it. I take this goal-oriented do-or-die approach in the real world too, but even there it is less effective than relaxed, determined, focused effort. In the real world I usually make incremental progress and that keeps me calm and not panic (about failure). With inducing a PCE, it feels like you either have it or you don’t.
This morning after I’d calmed down I took a more gentle approach. I feel that while “I” cannot induce a PCE, “I” can get myself there, and create the conditions where one is possible. I recalled my own experiences of purity and its characteristics, and also read many of the PCE reports. What I’ve noticed is that PCEs are either spontaneous, or come as a result of emotional release on some issue. In my own experience this has been the case too. I cannot induce such conditions, but I can make it so that I am not driven by feelings, and if I am, to acknowledge this (and any underlying reasons) to create that emotional release. And also frequently rememorate the flavour of purity.
Careful with this one as trying to ‘not be driven by feelings’ can and will result in a sociopath-like ‘blankness.’ Instead, allow specifically felicitous & innocuous feelings and investigate all others
Feel good no matter what. When I feel good “my” problems or worries don’t matter. They start to lose their reference point. When I come back to normal though, I am fixated on my problems again and I worry that if I commit to feeling good, I will be carried away by the tide of life since it all doesn’t matter anyway. So have I got it wrong? Or are my problems imaginary to begin with? Surely yes, they’re almost all rooted in worries and fears and there is no immediate danger. Maybe the difference between needing to have something a certain way vs. a preference is that the former has a heavy affective backing.
Yep, it can be easy to get pulled into PCE chasing, and I’d like to think it’s HAIETMOBA and happy and harmlessness that I need to get down pat, before anything else. Some here would say do it all, but it muddies the waters for me.
How to become even more intimate? @claudiu once said this to me and it’s stuck with me. There was a period in my relationship a few months ago where I started withdrawing and becoming fearful. I was trying to be “independent”. She should not emotionally affect me in any way, I thought. But I was just being fear. Real freedom is total fearlessness. And a fearless person is not afraid to get close. Really close. And then even closer, until there’s no separation. No boundaries at all. This is not just for people, but for life itself. I shy away from people and events and life itself because I’m scared. So recently I’ve been trying to ramp up that fearless feeling of just going in. Just getting close and intimate. It’s dynamic, exciting, and very satisfying.
Fear causes me to put the breaks on intimacy. What am I afraid of? That she’s upset with me, that I’ll get rejected. How to be fully intimate despite possibility of rejection? I guess there’s two roads to go down here. One is the unconditional love, in which I will accept and love her no matter what. The second is actual intimacy, where I will be unconditionally happy and harmless regardless of how she acts.
What is this fear though? I desire safety and security from her. Meeting her is like going into the lion’s den. I don’t know whether I will be safe or not. Will she reject me or not? What if she is angry with me? What does that mean? My entire “being” will be rejected. I’ll have no place. I’ll have no home.
I seek her validation as security because it’s good. It’s oh so good, and I don’t have to work at all for it. It’s given to me just by “being”. It’s free.
But oh so unstable. Changing on a whim.
Why do I cling to it despite it being so unstable? I guess I haven’t had my fill yet. I still believe in it. Still believe that it will provide everything I need.
Everything around her is laced with this fear. It’s suffocating. How have I managed to hold on for so long?
A little release now.
The ideal state is one of fearlessness. No holds barred. All in.
Can I be ok even if she rejects me?
Just some stream of consciousness stuff,. Never posted like this before. Usually I just post curated nice stuff.
I’m still kind of stuck in this love fest, but it’s my main focus now.
I remember you wrote in your last post about “real freedom being total fearlessness” and it seemed as weird to me then as it does now when you write that the “ideal state is one of fearlessness”. Does it not seem like a paradox to you? Especially writing this as an actualist, how could ‘I’ ever become fearless?
It sounds like you first went the traditional way of keeping a certain distance in order to protect yourself emotionally and then when this didn’t work you tried the opposite approach of becoming vulnerable via ‘total fearlessness’ and seeking emotional intimacy that way. But of course the problem with this second approach is as you have found out - it’s very unstable.
At least that’s the 2 dead ends out of the way😝 onto the 3rd alternative now!
That’s pretty accurate. I still think fearlessness is freedom though. The ideal state. It’s not that “I” am fearless, but when I am not being fearful, there is absence of fear = fearlessness. So I think I’m still stuck on this dead end.
I think that’s true. It’s a mix though. I seek emotional intimacy fearlessly, but I also required it less because less fear = less need for validation.
Yes but it is still a paradox, seeking emotional intimacy fearlessly would mean that you have ended fear whilst maintaining the other emotions, it can never work.
When you say fearless perhaps you are referring to vulnerability? As in not letting fears of this or that stop you from getting emotionally close to someone. But in being vulnerable you are setting yourself up to be fearful (or any other emotion) so this total fearlessness shoots itself in the foot from the get go.
Yes, good point. I’m referring to total emotional vulnerability. So I guess I am trying this pick and choose approach with eliminating fear but keeping love in the mix. A truly fearless person would not seek emotional intimacy to begin with, that is the paradox. The phrase “being vulnerable” reveals that there is still fear but I’m choosing to not let it stop me etc. So the seeking of emotional intimacy is the root cause here…
. It’s everything I’ve ever wanted.