I spent the last two days in this kind of weird purity-sensuous-ASC. I didn’t do anything special to get there. Before the experience, I spent a few days in a drama, just being deeply fearful. Eventually I “disidentified” from it, to use a spiritual term. Basically, I stopped “being” fearful. I realized that I didn’t have to be controlled/compelled by this anymore.
Anyway, the following day I was heavily focused on work. I suspect I got into the “flow” state, because time and space/body awareness completely vanished for a bit. I took a washroom break and realized that everything was different. I was there in that washroom. Popping colours, a lot of stillness. One thing I notice about these states (EE, PCE and the like) are that the internal chatter becomes very quiet. This is where I think the quality of stillness comes from. I could see that my feelings about things would disrupt this state. Any feelings would disrupt it. Anything I tried to do would disrupt it.
I wouldn’t call it an EE because I wasn’t feeling…good, great, or excellent. I’ve had one solid EE and the feeling of harmlessness and naiveté were core features, along with feeling great. It wasn’t a PCE because I was definitely there (although very minimized). But I was “muted”, so to speak. I wasn’t feeling bad, I wasn’t feeling…anything. I wasn’t focused on feeling, so to speak. There was sensuous enjoyment and wonder if I chose to focus on it. But it also felt like my usual worries, while there, were far far away, sitting on the perimeter of the experience.
One key insight I took from this was that my usual method of diving in and investigating when I’m feeling bad usually worsens the feeling. And that this embellishes “me” rather than loosening “me”, because I’m trying to get rid of the feeling. No, the way to the actual world involves a turning away from the self. From it’s concerns and worries. A decision not to go there.
Feeling pretty good. I think I have an idea of how to get to this place of feeling good now. The more “I” do the worse it gets. My way of applying the method is usually spiraling around in some neurotic drama or trying to get rid of the feeling. But focusing on simple tasks, or on work, calms my mind down. “I” calm down and sometimes the sweetness starts to becoming apparent. Colours start popping, the world looks more vibrant. My mind is quieter. I feel more present too. It’s not the ramped up feeling good I thought it would be. It’s more of a lightness of being.
Massive breakthrough concerning my relationship. It’s starting to go in a direction I’m not sure I want my life to go, so I’ve been experiencing a lot of anguish. A deadlock. On one hand, I don’t want to sell myself out for love and live a life I don’t want to. On the other hand, I don’t want to lose my partner/the relationship, which is likely to happen i I speak my mind.
Eventually, I stopped fighting the feeling and made space for it and felt it fully. Then, a flash of such incredible insight that I have not experienced that anxiety in two days: it’s okay to break up any time you want/feel like it.
This simple realization startled me so much. I then realized that I’ve been fervently holding onto the belief that “breaking up with someone is morally bad. You shouldn’t hurt them. They’ve invested so much time, so now you have to go through with it.”
But it’s complete BS right? A belief like this keeps me hooked into the matrix of resentment. To prevent resentment, one must have perceived options. So now I see options. Nuance I did not see before. This has completely freed me to be relaxed around my partner. That if things get bad, I can leave. I did not see this option before (as strange as this may sound to some of you). That I’m not tethered to this person. And so it’s clear why love is a failure. Any dependence at all will lead to malice/resentment.
I have more work to do in this area for sure, but a long standing linchpin in this whole framework has been removed. Often when a belief is unraveled, it has this feeling of a window pane shattering.