Josef's journal

I spent the last two days in this kind of weird purity-sensuous-ASC. I didn’t do anything special to get there. Before the experience, I spent a few days in a drama, just being deeply fearful. Eventually I “disidentified” from it, to use a spiritual term. Basically, I stopped “being” fearful. I realized that I didn’t have to be controlled/compelled by this anymore.

Anyway, the following day I was heavily focused on work. I suspect I got into the “flow” state, because time and space/body awareness completely vanished for a bit. I took a washroom break and realized that everything was different. I was there in that washroom. Popping colours, a lot of stillness. One thing I notice about these states (EE, PCE and the like) are that the internal chatter becomes very quiet. This is where I think the quality of stillness comes from. I could see that my feelings about things would disrupt this state. Any feelings would disrupt it. Anything I tried to do would disrupt it.

I wouldn’t call it an EE because I wasn’t feeling…good, great, or excellent. I’ve had one solid EE and the feeling of harmlessness and naiveté were core features, along with feeling great. It wasn’t a PCE because I was definitely there (although very minimized). But I was “muted”, so to speak. I wasn’t feeling bad, I wasn’t feeling…anything. I wasn’t focused on feeling, so to speak. There was sensuous enjoyment and wonder if I chose to focus on it. But it also felt like my usual worries, while there, were far far away, sitting on the perimeter of the experience.

One key insight I took from this was that my usual method of diving in and investigating when I’m feeling bad usually worsens the feeling. And that this embellishes “me” rather than loosening “me”, because I’m trying to get rid of the feeling. No, the way to the actual world involves a turning away from the self. From it’s concerns and worries. A decision not to go there.


Feeling pretty good. I think I have an idea of how to get to this place of feeling good now. The more “I” do the worse it gets. My way of applying the method is usually spiraling around in some neurotic drama or trying to get rid of the feeling. But focusing on simple tasks, or on work, calms my mind down. “I” calm down and sometimes the sweetness starts to becoming apparent. Colours start popping, the world looks more vibrant. My mind is quieter. I feel more present too. It’s not the ramped up feeling good I thought it would be. It’s more of a lightness of being.


Also, music is incredible when being in this senuous state. Feels like it’s playing inside my head. I frequently experience the same thing when I’m high on an edible.


Massive breakthrough concerning my relationship. It’s starting to go in a direction I’m not sure I want my life to go, so I’ve been experiencing a lot of anguish. A deadlock. On one hand, I don’t want to sell myself out for love and live a life I don’t want to. On the other hand, I don’t want to lose my partner/the relationship, which is likely to happen i I speak my mind.

Eventually, I stopped fighting the feeling and made space for it and felt it fully. Then, a flash of such incredible insight that I have not experienced that anxiety in two days: it’s okay to break up any time you want/feel like it.

This simple realization startled me so much. I then realized that I’ve been fervently holding onto the belief that “breaking up with someone is morally bad. You shouldn’t hurt them. They’ve invested so much time, so now you have to go through with it.”

But it’s complete BS right? A belief like this keeps me hooked into the matrix of resentment. To prevent resentment, one must have perceived options. So now I see options. Nuance I did not see before. This has completely freed me to be relaxed around my partner. That if things get bad, I can leave. I did not see this option before (as strange as this may sound to some of you). That I’m not tethered to this person. And so it’s clear why love is a failure. Any dependence at all will lead to malice/resentment.

I have more work to do in this area for sure, but a long standing linchpin in this whole framework has been removed. Often when a belief is unraveled, it has this feeling of a window pane shattering.


It’s that difference between beliefs and facts. The fact can be denied but not refuted. Whereas the belief seems to be on shaky ground to begin with, backed by morality or shame or guilt or fear.

I would council you to know the reality beyond “breaking up”, now that horizon is open to you.

There’s two ways, the hard way, and the easy way. A cliche? Nope. It’s a fact.

Now you can see that breaking up is a possibility, you can run the feelings beyond it.

We never feel beyond our moral boundaries.

We are trapped by our beliefs.

@Andrew Hmm, I don’t quite understand what you mean by knowing the reality beyond “breaking up”. Can you elaborate?

Run the experiment in your mind.

Now you know that you are free, you can explore what is beyond that previous “no man’s land”.

My advice would be to do the experiment in your mind, rather than in action.

The easy way, whilst mostly theoretical in human history, is still the superior way.

To be less cryptic,

Break up in your mind.

What do you see?

Do you see a bright future?


What is the idea and feelings around it?

…we want to be kids in the intimacy Richard described in that 5 year old interaction @rick posted.

So you see, the break up is really a rejection of not having that.

It’s informative that Richard became free whilst in relationship with a bi-polar woman who was far from stable. He wouldn’t have become free without her though.

Leveraging what one actually has is a far better bet than hoping for what one dreams of.

You absolutely can break up.

Now you can be the kind and considerate person who has a chance at being actively caring.

Use your power for the benefit of everyone you care about.

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Even less cryptic.

If I knew then what I know now, I would have simply and consistently lead my wife to that place. I would have manipulated her, tempted her, otherwise spent every spare moment finding a new scheme to seduce her into that dream.

Or, I would have made her choose to walk away.

Not by being unpleasant, but by being insistent.

We are going to be best friends

Was your wife sexually abused?

I see what you mean. Before I dropped this belief, I saw breaking up as a way to become free. This was a direct response to feeling trapped (a survival instinct, if you will). Now that I’m not feeling so trapped anymore, it seems like an extreme option. Beyond breaking up lies fantasies of an untethered, playboy-esque life of unlimited sexual experiences with unlimited different women. But just because one may be able to, should they? This strong sexual appetite is just another feeling, no? I have to admit that this feeling (or I might say drive) is a such a strong part of my make up that I’ve expended a ridiculous amount of resources on it.

Btw, why do you say a break up is a rejection of not having intimacy?

How does all this relate to feeling good? Well, I become very afraid that not leading a life of my choice will lead to a life of crippling resentment/depression. The fear itself compels me to lead a “my way or the highway” kind of life. This makes living with another person quite difficult. I’m exploring various feelings here, including questioning what I am so afraid of if things don’t go my way?

My wife was not sexually abused, no.


Very interesting, I wrote that piece about my sexual fantasies above, and I’m feeling guilt/shame for it. This shame suppresses it and sends it underground, making it even stronger. Rather bring it out in the open.

I took @Andrew’s advice and have been feeling beyond the moral boundaries of the “break up”. What I find is that when I have the option of just dropping any person whenever I want, I just feel a raw sexual instinct. A mating drive. A drive so compelling that I just want to reduce women to objects and discard them when I’m finished with them. Very interesting stuff.

I also found that I have slowly been taking on various roles as my relationship has progressed. The role of boyfriend, or future husband, and the weight of these ideas/concepts/expectations have completely destroyed intimacy. I realized that these roles are just ideas/feelings in my mind, and not actual. It has allowed me to see my partner again as just another human, like it was in the very beginning. The yoke of duty, guilt, obligation and fear dog all these relationship labels. I’m reminded of @Kub933’s advice to me long ago, to dare to peel back these identities and see the actual person.

Behind these above layers, I still find a strong layer of love. It is a behavioural addiction. I love using my girlfriend to validate myself, and when that validation stops for whatever reason (she’s busy, she’s mad etc.), love turns to hate. My “drug” has been taken away from me. And this fear of my drug being taken away prevents me from being totally honest and being myself. It cause me to cling on to her. How to break this addiction? I think about doing so and it’s not clear, however the fear of what “relation” will remain between me and the other person is quite prominent. Perhaps no relation. I don’t really know.

All in all though, I’m finally moving in that thrilling direction rather than sitting in the pot and slowly being boiled!


Interestingly enough @Sonyaxx told me last night that she has taken this very step herself and found that a bunch of resentment towards me has gone poof :wind_face:

There can be no intimacy as long as there is a relationship, how wild is that!?


Yeah I’m finding it’s completely opposite to what we’ve been taught!

One more thing I forgot to add, I felt that the immense sexual drive also gets in the way of intimacy. It reinforces gender identities and power structures between man and woman. Andrew talked about being 5 year old kids kinda intimacy, and clearly the sex drive isn’t it. Then again, a lot of my life is still driven by sex. It’s honestly unbelievable how much it pervades my every thought and action. And that sexual lust holds up an often flailing relationship where intimacy is lacking. But it needs to keep being fuelled.


Feeling very good this morning. Harmless. I haven’t felt this way in a long time. The recent exploration on the various relationship identities I have been taking on has lifted a weight off of my shoulders. Also though there is this sense of betrayal, like I’m moving further away from humanity. Very sensuous right now too. Music is always incredible in these states :sunglasses:

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This state which I’ve been hitting often over the last few months is close to the experience of being high on a marijuana edible. Very relaxed, mind is quiet, worries have shifted to the periphery. There are still feelings though. I feel nostalgia and a particular kind of sorrow (loss of childhood kinda vibe).

I’m feeling very talkative. When I talk to people about peeling back relationship identities, they backpedal into fear very quickly. The common concern is “then you just wouldn’t care about this person” or “what’s holding you together then”. It’s our human habit of thinking in opposites. However, we don’t consider that absence of the relationship means absence of the expectations (hence resentments). Absence of fear. And one who is fearless has no need to be malicious. Does that mean they will automatically be caring though? Something to explore.

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My father once said “Which means you become a stone ?” :joy:

and the most common one I’ve heard “Oh but thats what makes us human!”