This was very helpful. For me right now it’s not anxiety but rather depression. The depression is usually a result of being very hard on myself. Hating myself for failed potential, imagining myself or my life not as it is right now. I don’t want to get into specifics, but that’s kind of the theme right now. It’s difficult to drop this pattern, I’m feeling my way through it currently. Also like you said, I’m getting my house in order with good diet, exercise, and maintaining a good sleep/work routine.
What is it that allows felicity to arise when things are not going according to plan? Do you not take your identity/life circumstances so seriously? With major decisions like home buying or getting married, I have found that I become very serious and the stakes are sky high.
I often tried to understand why I experienced depression and anxiety. I think there are a lot of variables that are hard to pinpoint.
I do think having this extremely harsh internal critic increases the risk of getting it and making recovery harder. I noticed people who I met who recovered quicker seemed to either have very strong religious or spiritual beliefs or not have as harsh a critical internal voice.
My friend who never recovered who introduced me to AF had even more insanely harsh critical internal thoughts. Every social encounter for him he would worry about his facial expressions, how he was standing or walking or talking. There was no peace for him.
If I look at how I have been as a child, I had a very strong sorrowful, nostalgic but also fearful nature. In an aggressive, low empathy family (excluding my mum).
That harsh critic can then latch on to everything, attack yourself for failing your potential, for not being as fit as you were at one point for example, attack myself for being fearful and weak. It was like it could find perpetual ammunition to maintain that feeling cycle.
So many times over the depression period I would lament about the loss of my youth and potential to depression and would just feed that cycle of lamenting without enacting any meaningful change. Feel depressed about having been depressed so long to maintain being depressed.
I guess experientially I have gone through enough terrible things to know you can come through the other side. Like with love, until you have experienced it you can’t write is off as an option but once you experientially acknowledge the good and the bad of that you can make a more sensible choice.
I have had a terrible accident. I have suffered depression and anxiety. I have lost family and friends. When the dust settles the same opportunity…the same question…how do I want to spend this moment I am alive is still pertinent. There is always another opportunity, its not a big deal. This depressed mindset makes every such a big deal and such life or death seriousness.
There is no plan, there is no way that anything needs to be. I definitely have learned not to take my identity and life so serious, or that there is a solution to every problem. Emotionally I was too embarrassed to ask for help, but now if something is going wrong I reach out to those in ny network for help, being it to help childmind or borrow money or something. Then I will help those that I can as well.
I have made major decisions too and have made niave mistakes but whatever outcome happens you can still learn from your choices and make new ones. I find depressions lends itself to a type of unrealistic catastrophic thinking. Even if I lose my house and can’t keep up with the mortgage, i will find somewhere new to live.
2 Likes
Was listening to “Virtual Freedom” DVD. It sparked something in me to get back on the horse, so to speak. Made me realize that I really do want to become unconditionally happy and harmless. So it’s time for me to get off my ass and investigate this perpetual dullness I’ve been experiencing over the last few weeks.
I am feeling pretty dull. But also deep down I am angry. A lot of my anger is directed at myself:
“why are you so dull, many years ago you use to be lively and energetic”
“why are you feeling bad, you should be feeling good!”
Like @son_of_bob stated above, a harsh inner critic makes one’s life a living hell. I am kind of splitting myself here. Am I not the one being hateful/aggressive towards myself? Why not give myself a wide berth? Why not be totally kind to myself? What will happen if I stop being harsh to myself? What if I relax?
5 Likes
An investigation that began last night and continued through the morning has culminated. I started with the anger/resentment I was feeling. I was dissociated from it as I was seeing it as “this anger arises and makes me hate myself”. It took me some time to unsplit and acknowledge that I am the one being hateful/angry/resentful. I felt on some level this was related to my relationship/partner. But how? It is because in the pursuit, acquisition, and subsequent maintenance of loving feelings (approval, safety, security), I have taken on my partner’s ethics/values and now mirror her disapproval of me through my own self-anger and hatred. Which got me thinking about how this approval/disapproval structure is a guaranteed road to malice. And that’s what love is, isn’t it? Once yearns for a constant reification of oneself as someone of value. I am important and someone sees me. These might be some of the best feelings in the world. But how can another person guarantee that? They are human, and hence such a relation is bound to be unstable.
With that out of the way, I turned my eyes to feeling good. I have been experiencing tremendous resistance to feeling good over the past few months. So much so that I had given up entirely. Confronting it, I realize that I don’t want to. Why? Because it feels unsafe. The only happiness I should have should be within the bounds of the relationship. Happiness from work or other material pursuits is fine, but feeling good as we know it in actualism feels “illegal”. I must continually worry about maintaining my loving relationship, and if I choose to be happy, I will “let the shoe drop”, so to speak.
The investigation is ongoing.
5 Likes
This is interesting and it makes sense, for in feeling good would you not also be betraying the love?
Love cannot exist where one is felicitous and innocuous as it is robbed of the sorrow and malice which are its necessary precursors.
Isn’t that fascinating to contemplate… That the sorrowful/malicious substratum necessary to generate and maintain love is actually opposed to feeling happy and harmless 
It’s like trying to enjoy a good soppy love story without an ounce of sorrow there, it’s not possible, the very flavour is bitter-sweet.
3 Likes
Yeah this has been my primary reason for allowing feeling bad to continue in this or that situation. Like there is the feeling that if I feel bad, only then I’ll do something to improve upon some dire situation…Its like if I try to feel good all the time, I’ll just relax on a hammock and not pay taxes or do something to save myself if a nuke was headed to my city in 30 mins lol
I find that there are some specific issues and I know them, but until the pot is brimming with water, I just keep ignoring or postponing but then something happens and only then I find courage/ sincerity to look into it and do something about it…but its all such interesting stuff !
2 Likes
My partner and I have reached an impasse of sorts on a major issue. This is bringing up a lot of fear and resentment within me, just feeling it out for now. I’ve been through it before, but this time i have a little bit of sincere intent that is allowing me to be aware and attentive to these feelings as they’re happening. It’s funny, whenever I consider the end of the relationship “I” begin freaking out. Images of loneliness and regret ensue, of being a bad person. But sensibly speaking, it’s not really freedom if the option of ending a relationship is “forbidden”, so to speak. In fact, isn’t it the fervent denial of such an option that causes malice and resentment toward the other? I’ve noticed that it can take multiple rounds/waves of experiencing strong feeling patterns until you kind of say, “well, I’ve been here before. This reaction didn’t work last time. Maybe we can try something different”.
1 Like
Continuing to investigate my worst fear: the fear of ending the relationship. It’s becoming kind of laughable to me how I never considered this as an option. How I am always adjusting myself and my responses so this option never comes into view. Compare this to my attitude at work, which is free flowing and seldom impeded by fear. I feel like I can leave whenever I want and go find another one.
What is the difference for me? There is a lot of morality for me around making other feel bad or making them angry. So much guilt and fear associated with dumping someone. I would make them sad. I would be a bad person. So much rests for me on being a good person. I want to be seen as a good person. Ending a marriage is even higher stakes. I would hurt a whole host of people.
I wonder what you who don’t carry this belief think? I’d like to hear your perspective
2 Likes
Don’t end it.
However, you are correct that fearing ending it is in the way of progress.
If I could live my life again, I would be an absolute prick about things.
Flat out prick.
Why?
Because when it comes down to it, an honest prick is better than a dishonest coward.
I would fight harder. With her. Tell her what I want.
I don’t mean violence. I don’t mean blind rage.
I mean the courage just to be honest.
To be demanding.
If one loses the relationship because they refused to do the same, to meet you “toe to toe”, that is what it is.
I have no idea how that would have played out.
I do know that most of my life I was both very much like the main character in “good will hunting”; talking around issues, rather than talking straight up about them.
Whatever it is to have “reached an impasse of sorts on a major issue” I can guarantee there is a way through. It may end the relationship, sure.
However, don’t end the relationship.
Argue until you are both crying. If you can’t make her cry, you aren’t being honest enough.
I have zero success with this advice. It doesn’t work because we never can really know what to say. That generally occurs decades later.
What I mean is “ending the relationship” is it’s own illusion.
Remember too, that the female always has more intrinsic power. They know this. So to have any chance, you must rid yourself of the fear.
All of what I said should be completely ignored.
You did ask what those who “don’t carry this belief think”.
I have ended a marriage, an almost marriage, various other relationships, and can tell you a perspective.
That’s all.
You asked for a perspective.
2 Likes
If there is one thing I know is that while a woman will wield the intrinsic womb power with impunity, the very last thing they want is yet another loser pawing at their tits.
I can almost guarantee that the impasse is a diversion.
Be a prick.
It’s actually a rather interesting word. “Prick”. Bursting bubbles.
Whilst it’s statistically likely that she can replace you easier than you replacing her, it’s also true that the number of men with guts is far lower than the number of tits in the world. By a factor hard to put into a percentage.
1 Like
I see this post as an amazing shit sandwich. It’s like what you wrote seems it could be potentially risky as advice but at the same time I think you’re really onto something here.
Being sincere means no longer playing certain games, sometimes it might mean acting in a way that will be interpreted by the other as combative. Because being sincere means that I cannot allow myself to sell out anymore. Being sincere means I want something that is genuine for myself and with the other, and at times this might entail bursting a few bubbles indeed.
But it’s because the standard has been set too high already (both for oneself and for relating to the other) and the option of playing games simply cannot be entertained anymore, only that which is genuine will do.
It reminds me of what Richard writes in the journal - Pure intent will pull one forward relentlessly, sometimes appearing as if one is moving into separation instead of intimacy, because only the best will do at that point, for oneself and the other - paraphrasing here of course
1 Like
Finally, someone has aptly described my style.
I just don’t want to come across as having some secret knowledge, some amazing success or whatever.
Which is probably blatantly obvious to anyone reading.
I’ve been through all sorts of compromises in my quest to have a relationship that has that fairytale spark. Whatever that means.
If I could live it all again, being “straight up” would be the way I did it. Not because I think it leads to happiness in some 1:1 correlation, but because it leads to getting over oneself.
There were defining moments when it was clearly up to me to be very frank, and I didn’t. Mainly because my life was defined not by the women I chose, but those who chose me.
I love that phrase “shit sandwich”. Going to look it up now.
So, yeah. Good description of a lot of tough to contemplate ideas.
Afraid of being wrong, making a mistake is often at the core of not doing/saying things.
We know that if we let that genie out, we are probably going to be eating that sandwich with less bread. That’s scary.
It has been very interesting being that old guy who could very well end up on a park bench. How many times did I read people talking about this in actualism? Dozens. The fear of being alone. Ostracized.
There is another interesting word. Ostracized.
I’ve been through quite some relationship dramas including a short marriage that ended in a divorce…so here is my take from all this as an actualist :
There is this fundamental pathway I’ve set for myself aka its self-imposed
Me > Relationship > Felicity and Actual Freedom
It feels like this is the way it should happen…that I should do something in a relationship and then I’ll get free but thats a delusion because in my personal experience, the closest I come to actuality is via this route :
Me > Sensuousness > Actuality
About the fear of losing a relationship, its always about something “I” want(or loose) from the other that keeps the fear in place…the power dynamic plays there. I would probably go on to add that having more choice via dating apps has somewhat made me less bothered about losing someone…but having said that, I also consider it inconsiderate to not put enough effort to make things work as the other is investing their time into it.
So overall, I still try to put in enough effort without trying to sell myself, but if things don’t work out…then it will be just a fact of my life situation at that time and I can only plan the next course of action from there…which is what I am doing these days hehe
Btw…if you can share more, what do you fear losing if this relationship ends ?
There was my Turd Sandwich of the day… 
2 Likes
Noticing how quickly my love changes into anger/hatred and a wish to withdraw completely when my partner does something I don’t like. Also interesting to see how when the security of the relationship is threatened, I feel in danger and want to flee. I become closed off.
A new idea has emerged. If withdrawing when the relationship is threatened is the opposite of intimacy, then going all in regardless of the status of the relationship seems like the correct way to go for intimacy. This challenges me to relate to the other person in a felicitous way but with no guarantee of future security. Let’s see how this idea develops.
4 Likes
This is a good question, as this fear has always been a bit nebulous to me. I will miss love. Love is that feeling of connection with the other, of being validated and affirmed as a “me”. Also, in society (friends, family) I will look like a loser for having lost a relationship. Furthermore, I have beliefs about her being the “one” and that I will never get along with anyone else as much as her.
It’s been an interesting few days. With the relationship on shaky ground (at least in my mind), my very security has been threatened. The fear and dread I’m experiencing on the potential end is overpowering at times. Yet throughout I am asking the question, “how can I be even more intimate?”. And it is clear that my fear is getting in the way. My anger is getting in the way. My resentment is getting in the way. My grasping for love and connection is getting in the way. I do not yet see that it is “I” who am getting in the way though. I’ve only seldom been able to make the link between “I feel fear” and “I am fear”.
One more interesting thing. The love bond or connection is a palpable vibe/current that both parties strive arduously to maintain. It is quite brittle though, easily shaken by arguments and malicious feelings. Then an attempt is made to rekindle this vibe (making up) but it seems it becomes more and more volatile. If we look at the opposite end, it is to withdraw and close off emotionally. This is a sleight-of-hand though, as one is secretly hoping to elicit the reaction from the other and/or protect oneself. A third alternative comes to mind, one where intimacy is sought after no matter what is going on. This requires “me” to get out of the way over and over again. Letting go of my malicious and sorrowful vibes. I have not yet actualized this however.
2 Likes
In my personal experience, strangely I’ve found that whenever I’ve felt more naive, thats when things were better with my partner…and I think the reason is simple - since love is ultimately about security(an identity ultimately only connects for some kinda security) and naive feelings are so harmless, so the partner feels safe/ secure at the vibey level and so things get better !
But since the pull of the affective social-instinctual nonsense dominates, so naive feelings don’t get an edge hehe
4 Likes