Now the somewhat disappointing thing is that I remember a period of time last year where I would wake up feeling already good and looking forward to the day ahead, somewhere something shifted and not for the better 
I’ve been contemplating intimacy. Why is it that I am so intimate with only this one person (my partner) while not really being (or desiring) intimacy with others? What is actual intimacy? Is it completely equal in the sense that the quality is the same with one’s partner/friend/relative or even a stranger?
Edit: These questions aren’t rhetorical. I would appreciate any insights people have had 
3 Likes
I found that actual intimacy has an equitable aspect to it which I think is because everybody is seen to be made of the same same matter of this universe. However cognitive memory knows that such person is my partner and such person is my friend or relative etc so there is some additional special awareness about the person too.
Richard spoke about this exactly in Article 34, Page 241…the para starts with “My new companion…”…I tried searching for the same on the AFT, but since its not there, so will have avoid typing it here…maybe a good reason to buy Richard’s Journal hehe
5 Likes
The interesting thing to contemplate is that all those ‘categories’ of other people mentioned are various identities projected.
In order to say this is my girlfriend, this is a stranger, this is a friend, this is my brother etc I am indeed projecting something on top of the actual human beings. I then carry out my interactions with those identities via various rules, expectations, beliefs etc
Then to try experiencing actual intimacy with those various identities might seem conflicting and is in fact not possible!
To get the answer to those questions I think it is necessary to allow yourself to peel those identities back somewhat, to dare to experience ones fellow human beings outside of that usual narrative, outside of the roles that we both play.
What @Shashank mentioned sums it up pretty good as well I think, that to have actual intimacy does not mean that all of a sudden there is some cold equality pervading every interaction, as if everyone has been reduced to a 0, including those who were close to the ‘me’.
4 Likes
Also in terms of this one I can very much relate. I think having a partner can be great because it allows me to explore intimacy, however as you mention you get to a point where you start noticing that you are keeping a part of yourself separated when you interact with others, and why is that so?
I think in general it is socially accepted to be intimate with a partner but not so much socially accepted to be intimate with others (eg a stranger) so initially there is a fear of even going there, like it is taboo.
Initially it might be useful to review all those ‘rules’ which separate humans into various ‘groups’ and then dictate how I should relate to each one of them. For me I then found another (deeper) layer there as well, a fear of stepping outside of the normal ways of relating, of getting too close. Like it is dangerous to no longer experience people through that filter, as if there is a danger lurking there, but of course there isn’t.
I’ll add that sometimes we think of ‘intimacy’ as referring to certain actions we do with some people but not others, the most obvious being physically intimate eg sex, kissing, hugging, touching or being physically nearby. There are other aspects though such as talking about certain subjects, hanging out with no others around, or late at night for example. However, actual intimacy does not require any of these. It’s a way-of-being - or rather, that there’s a lack of way-of-being in the way of experiencing the other.
Where normally we are always projecting things onto others (as @Kub933 mentions), in actual intimacy there is the direct sensorial experiencing of the other with nothing - no ‘me’ - in the way.
An intimacy experience would be when there is /very little/ ‘me’ in the way.
@hunterad was talking about something similar the other day:
The area where this currently concerns me most is when my sincere naive self seems to want to talk with women in a naive/intimate way even if they are in a relationship. Really I want to talk to everyone that way but I am finding it easier with women (that’s new!).
I’m fearing that I am being harmful and then retreat into moral/social identity decisions about right and wrong. Best guess for now is to have confidence in my experience that my naive and sincere self will stop short of causing harm without the need for the social identity to take back over and make me withdraw.
[/quote]
It may be and seems likely to me that “talking with women in a naive/intimate way even if they are in a relationship” is thinking about intimacy in that first sense which could indeed cause problems. But there is no reason not to ‘directly sensorially experience [someone of the opposite sex who is a relationship] with nothing in the way.’
Critically, in actual intimacy one may find that the ‘normal intimacy’ moves are appropriate for the moment, but one may find the opposite as well: that it is not the time for physical intimacy, or even the time to push toward intimate subjects. I have frequently discovered that most people are not in a place where they are ready to talk those topics, which are most often considered ‘intimate’ because people commonly hold fears around them.
An excellent description of this actual intimacy comes from Peter’s description of becoming free:
The following evening, I found myself back on my couch, leaning across the little table that separated us, explaining to Richard that I experienced him as being on the other side of a veil – with only his face bulging through as it were. As I was explaining this to him, I was waving my hand in front of my face so as to illustrate the veil and I happened to look down at the table in front of me.
On the woven table mat my attention was drawn to a dark blue plastic cigarette lighter, an empty glass, a tobacco pouch and other sundry items. All of a sudden, Richard’s phrase “the actual world of people, things and events” came to mind and I found myself acknowledging that the things on the table existed in actuality, i.e. did in fact actually exist, and this being the case, here I was waving my hand in front of “people”, in this case Richard, saying that I experienced him as if behind a veil, i.e. not actually existing.
For my part I have had an extremely clear experience of the difference when I had a friend visiting, I entered a PCE and was dumbstruck by the realization that my friend was actually there with me, a physically-existing animal alive on this planet, and I was there with him! In that moment the significance of that event really hit me, a complete contradiction to the normal-way-of being ho-hum ‘boring’ way that I most often experience others.
5 Likes
I’m so tired of being miserable. Tired of investigating these issues over and over again. I know it’s all silly but I still feel scared, angry, and stuck. So frustrated. Frustrated that I cannot feel good. No matter how much I plot and plan and apply this method or that, nothing goddamn works. I’m THIS close to putting everything on a doesn’t matter basis and just chucking my worries into the wind. The truth is ALL of my successes of feeling good have come from intent. From wanting to feel good. None of the other stuff works for me. I want to change. Change completely.
3 Likes
Why haven’t you changed?
Humm I didn’t quite follow —- what you wrote there of chucking your worries into the wind, sounds like exactly the way to go ! What’s preventing you from doing it? The way it’s written it sounds like it’s something you don’t want to do.
Indeed. I think it was implicit here:
I interpreted that now he doesn’t want to feel good (or he is unable to want to, or to want it more intensely) and that’s why he’s not having the same success.
So I assumed that by
he meant that he wants to change as a goal, even if he now has conflicting or even contrary coexisting desires with regard to feeling good… If this is the case (maybe I’m wrong), it would be good if @Josef could detail which ones he notices.
Yes it seems to be true. I just don’t have the necessary intent to feel good in this moment. I like the idea, but it’s been a while since I felt good and I don’t remember how it is in practice. All I can associate with attempts to feel good now is frustration. So often I just let things slide so I don’t have to confront the frustration. Maybe I’ve picked up a belief that I can’t.
2 Likes
When I ran into this same issue around a year ago, I stopped trying to force myself to have the ‘correct intent’ of feeling good, and instead looked to find out what my already-existing sincere intent was - what I really, really wanted - and then worked backwards to reconcile it with actualism.
What works about this approach is that it doesn’t split myself, and is completely sincere so I don’t lose energy with internal contradictions (‘wanting’ to want something, while internally wanting the opposite)
In my case it had to do with girls and love. What I really wanted, was to be in love & loving.
After a bit of investigation I determined that what I really wanted was intimacy, but to the identity that gets twisted into love. It turns out though that only actualism can give genuine intimacy - love always blocks intimacy.
So then what I really wanted and actualism (feeling good) became the same goal. By feeling good, by emulating the PCE, I was doing the best thing possible to get what I wanted.
When I came from this approach, I had 10x as much energy to invest than I had before, because I was following myself in the direction ‘I’ wanted to go
My journal over the last year is more or less a progression of this same investigation.
5 Likes
That’s very good Henry. This way, I can channel my energy rather than waste it battling myself. I kind of tend to push down what I really want because it isn’t feeling good specifically. But, like you, I want intimacy with others. And not just with my partner, but with everyone. I want to be funny, light, jovial. Completely comfortable in my own skin when with others. Naive. Playful. How can I reconcile this with actualism?
1 Like
I think im missing something. In what way is any of what you wrote in this quoted part here at odds with actualism? It sounds like you’re exactly describing someone who is enjoying and appreciating being alive.
I think I have a rigid definition of feeling good based on my past experiences. I know exactly what it feels like. That being said though, I don’t really know how to get there consistently. I had a great time yesterday with family as I had decided to be fully intimate. And I ended up feeling pretty damn good. Naive. Free-flowing. And even harmless. But then what do I do when I am alone? It feels like I need other people to channel or be this way.
Hi Josef,
If that way of getting to feel good that previously worked in other contexts, doesn’t seem to work on your own, then for a start, it’s probably context dependent, but just as significantly (or maybe more so) being on our own is when we are most likely to experience the essential malice and sorrow of ‘being’.
There is all the usual distractions, but my experience is it is the most challenging situation.
I find going for walks, or simply deciding to enjoy watching content, or posting here, or reading here, or lately dating.
The list goes on.
I also found it really cool to “skip ahead” and contemplate the “main game” too. What is in the way of ‘self’ immolation right now?
The change of question, with it’s “big time” weightiness dug up quite a bit. It is the main game! Richard was adamant that the Actualism method is an in the meantime thing, the main game is living the PCE fulltime. I can’t speak about the difference, but I know enough to have found that line of thinking really different to the line of thinking which is concerned with feeling good.
In theory, one could feel terrible and ‘self’ immolate. I don’t remember anyone reporting it, but it’s best to keep the possibility on the table, or one will set up a bunch of conditions and hoops and essentially delaying thoughts about the “main game”.
If you are in the mood to dig deeper into the “alone” experience, there is also the “half asleep” states which can easily be explored by sitting comfortably and letting oneself drift a bit.
There is also journalling, recording voice notes, writing here…
There are options.
1 Like
And to attempt more helpfulness,
Post it all here, as in I find living “in front” of the people on the forum creates a far different experience of thinking, than thinking on my own.
Exploring publically brings in a dimension of experience, and the possibility of others spotting keys to the issues at hand.
Exactly like you did for me the other day.
1 Like
Definitely agree with this. I’ve recently started posting a lot more. It’s primarily because a few weeks ago replies by Kuba, Claudiu, and henryyy radically (and instantly) changed my views on love. Like you said, it adds another dimension of experience. I may be going down the wrong track, and someone else’s perspective can shake me out of it.
1 Like
Ah I see. You’re able to feel good around others but not when just in your own company.
I think a good way to go about it is to the bottom-up approach instead of top down. What I mean is instead of thinking of it like “how can I feel good when I’m alone?” Look at it like: “I was with family and feeling great. Now I’m alone and not feeling good. When specifically did I stop feeling good? What triggered it?” Then you can learn how you tick in that one specific way , find out one specific reason why you are allowing yourself to feel bad when alone, and then you go from there.
Right, there is so much that would never had occurred to me.
I found it really challenging a few months back to re-read my entire journal. It slowed me down. I saw that I had skipped over some fantastic replies.
One by Claudiu stood out. Infact, I was just pondering on what factors had lead me to decide to install a dating app and deliberately try and find “someone like me”.
I am now dating an incredible woman. Clinical psychologist who is so different to the women I have been with, I am already being influenced to have greater integrity.
Who knows what contributed to that decision?