Working on getting back to the basics of feeling good. I am finding that I carry a huge amount of resentment and anger towards myself for not living the life I imagined. It doesn’t just stop there, I am very self-critical of everything I do. I want it to be “perfect”. In my mind, there’s a proper way to do every single thing, and if I am not achieving that ideal, I beat myself up. For example, I am quite scared of conflict with my wife. I have been trying to solve this problem for a long time. I am nearly constantly berating myself for this. And it is true, the fear also needs to be investigated, but the self-loathing on top of it prevents any curious investigation that could lead to being more happy and harmless. So my mission for the last few weeks is to pay close attention to when I am being aggressive/hateful towards myself. And I have noticed that it is all the time…
One big theme related to this is I always want to use my time effectively/efficiently. For example, if I engage in an activity and I’m not having fun, I will start becoming distressed and berating myself, for I am “wasting” this time. But looking at this pattern repeatedly has opened some doors for me towards naïveté, where there are no rules…I can try different things and fail, and have fun. I am trying to stop being tyrannical towards myself.