Josef: Just getting some thoughts down as they are occurring. It is making me sad that achieving everything I have ever wanted – peace, total carefreeness, unconditional happiness – will mean my demise. I will not be there to experience it.
Actualism was supposed to be the way “I” became the best version of myself. But “I” am the problem, “I” am in the way. (link)
Hi Josef,
You are not quite correct to say it “will mean my demise”. You already figured this out when you quoted Richard in your last post that it will mean the demise of ‘me’, the identity having hijacked the flesh-and-blood body Josef.
RICHARD: No … my solution is ‘self’-immolation – psychological and psychic suicide – and not what you are making it out to be (I follow the entirely sensible convention of using smart quotes when referring to the entity who has taken up a parasitical residence in the flesh and blood body). [Emphasis added]. (Richard, AF List, No. 29, 26 Feb 2002).
You experienced in the PCE that it is not only possible but far, far better to live without identity – even though you said you were “not ready for the experience at all”. Let the dust settle and digest it all before allowing yourself to become said over something that you can in fact rejoice about. Then you will see that it is still as sensible way to proceed becoming “best version of myself” by diminish the ‘self’ in the meantime, until you are fully ready to abandon your ‘self’ altogether.
Yes, the identity, of no fault of your own, is “the problem”, it has now become redundant because intelligence can take the place of the instinctual passions, which were necessary for the survival of early humans. You took up the actualism method in order to live in peace and harmony with your partner – which means you understood that the identity as it was could not do that.
And now, in nostalgic reminiscence about the ‘good old identity’, which only causes you trouble, you are “sad” that you may want to diminish it, even intending ‘your’ demise in order to “achieving everything I have ever wanted”.
This is not sensible.
When you get back to feeling good you will see that for yourself.
Richard: None of this mess is ‘my’ fault … ‘I’ was born like this. Now that ‘I’ realise this ‘I’ can willingly, cheerfully be in concordance. (…) ‘I’ can never, ever become perfect or be perfection. The only thing ‘I’ can do – the only thing ‘I’ need to do – is to say !YES! so that the already always existing perfection can become apparent. (Richard, List B, 25f, 22 June 2000).
Whilst I understand your shock and being overwhelmed by the implications of the experience you were “not ready for” – but then one is never ready for an experience outside of one’s normal parameters – why not instead appreciate and enjoy what has happened instead of filling the gap with the usual fearful and sorrowful feelings?
Just a suggestion.
Cheers Vineeto