I had a PCE last night while on a high dose of cannabis that made me realize that actualism is much more radical than I first thought. When my “self” went into abeyance, I could feel infinite time and infinite space as I stood there in my house. Time also had no meaning. I could “access” the memories of my “self”, as weird as that sounds. But it was like thinking about a different person’s life.
It made me think that if “I” die (self-immolate), this body won’t pursue any of the goals that “I” hold dear. It seems all “my” values are based on what “I” hold dear. Fretting over money or my relationship with my wife or whatever else had zero meaning. In geoffrey’s video, when he says he’s poor and doesn’t give a shit, and then talks about security for the body as being food, water, shelter, I realized that a person who would be happy sitting in a garden for 20 years and dying would not be malicious or sorrowful for ANY reason. Even if they became quadriplegic (one of my worst nightmares), they would still be happy and harmless. This means that NOTHING at all matters.
I think that is why the method says to put everything on a does not matter basis or get back to feeling good no matter what. If that’s true I’ve not been applying the method at all. I have just been sticking a toe into the water while keeping my whole value system intact. It occurred to me, is the method kind of suicidal? But isn’t that the whole point? Self-immolation is psychological suicide?
RICHARD: No … my solution is ‘self’-immolation – psychological and psychic suicide – and not what you are making it out to be (I follow the entirely sensible convention of using smart quotes when referring to the entity who has taken up a parasitical residence in the flesh and blood body).
This leads me to a more worrying thought. Will I just go along with whatever the people around me want, as long as it doesn’t cause a threat to this physical body? What if my partner really wants something that I don’t? Does it not matter and I will just change my self-centered urge to a preference for everything?
I guess this is where silly/sensible comes into the equation. But during the PCE I felt like silly/sensible only applied to the preservation of the physical body. Honestly I was not ready for the experience at all and I could not go further, it felt like I would blow all my fuses or that I was not ready to make this a permanent condition. Felt like I skipped ahead and should have a PCE organically, without the use of drugs. At that point the PCE was over and the fear began.