It’s been an interesting fall with lots of practice, and I’ve spent time listening to many of the pages on the Actual Freedom Trust site. I’ve also listened to many of the journals here, but unfortunately, the Google Text-to-Speech function I was using no longer works in the forum for some reason.
There’s been enough to work with, and things seem to take care of themselves much of the time when things are going well. Then, when things don’t work so well, I find myself asking what on earth I am supposed to do, what the method even is, and how to do it. I feel like things have been going really well up until later last fall when someone close to me passed away, and that scrambled everything so that it was more difficult to find joy.
Right now, things are working most of the time, and then I drop off, and things don’t seem as obvious as they were last year. Almost like I would need a refresher course on how to be happy and harmless again 
I’ve had several PCEs, as I understand them, but they feel softer and wider than they used to. It’s as if the wow factor is turned down, and instead it feels more normal. But with the same sense of folds in a blanket, somehow feeling solid and still through sight alone, compared to normal when the world feels agitated. Sounds and smells hit differently and feel clearer as the world seems like a different place. I think I often pass through neutrality, since I notice the world feels more engaging and less dangerous, but it takes a while before the taste of being comes to the forefront, and enjoying becomes effortless. I’ve noticed that how I look at things and how I feel at the same time are big factors in entering or not entering a PCE. Almost like balancing and needing not to balance to be able to balance. Before, a PCE would be the same in many ways, but more in my face if that makes sense. Or am I experiencing an excellent experience and confusing this for a PCE? I cannot feel a sense of myself while going through this.
I find it difficult to recall a PCE and focus on it since it doesn’t feel natural to try to feel, or rather not feel myself, into a state that isn’t here right now. I think this has to do with how I mix trying and wanting into it at the same time, as I’m doing my best to hold the memory of a PCE.
One thing I was wondering how others handle is how to deal with feelings that come up when you are out walking, like insecurity, fear, or worry. I can clearly see the feeling coming and disrupting me, but I’m unable to stop it from overtaking me, and it’s like I’m walking on wobbly legs for a while before it passes. Is this how the rest of you handle this, or could I shift my focus in some way?