John

Journals
83

I’ve been living in this ‘bland state’ for almost 12 years now after having taken the oath of the abyss in 2010. I have nothing to look forward to. Not even the yearly vacations to my favourite destination creates any expectations nor any excitement. I just don’t care. I don’t care at all about tomorrow or the day before this one. I only do so in a negative sense; still experiencing aversion, worries, anxieties etc. Even though this tendency of the mind has also been greatly reduced.

To tell the truth, yesterdays small excitement was short lived. It’s okey, I’m used to it and as I said: I’ve had like 12 years to adapt to my current state of being - which involves everything that you guys have mentioned just now.

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84

Can you remember a PCE?

And do you know what it’s like to feel good?

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I remember a PCE. My PCE was experienced like 15-17 years ago during a session of walking meditation. “I” wasn’t very impressed by the experience - unlike everybody else whom have had one! As a matter of fact, a while afterwards and everytime when I was thinking about what I had experienced, I acctually felt upset/angry about it:

“That was not what I was looking for!”.

But even though I remembered it as a ‘dull’ experience, I’ll never forget this 360 degree awareness and this knowing that there was nobody looking out through my eyes. This is what I acctually remember about it. It was very telling that I wasn’t there, since I was able to look at other people without experiencing this neurotic ‘self-awareness’ that characterize severe social anxiety, which I was suffering from at the time.

There was no self-awareness at all… I was simply not there.

What might have been a mini-pce in 2017, experienced for a couple of seconds, was better, since I felt such pleasure just looking at this glowing light coming from my e-ciggarette.

I don’t know what it feels like. I feel sort of well most of the day, content, pretty satisfied. But I compare my state with geoffreys zoom video where he says that feeling good is: “very tasty, mhmm…[]” and I can’t say I that I can relate to this description - that it feels very “tasty”. To him feeling good seem to be a very distinct experience and thus I’d assume it’d be a sort of feeling excellent but on a lesser scale? That I should at least be experiencing ‘weak’ felicitious feelings - not to be misstaken about. I can’t say that I am.

I felt excellent for a few seconds last summer… so I know how felicitious feelings feels like (that was a very distinct experience!) and I’m looking for them in what would be a “feel good experience”. Feeling well sort of sounds more like feeling: neutral/ok - which is more like how I experience TMOBA.

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86

That is very interesting indeed, is it because you were looking for something more on the spiritual plane? I wonder if the memory of it was formed that way because of the spiritual influence.

This is fair to say, though I wouldn’t worry too much about being ultra-precise about it, it’s a pretty simple thing. A general sense of well-being - being in a good mood - being happy.

Got it!

Yes this makes sense, it sounds like you have a pretty good idea of where you’re at.

It may be that there are some spiritually-sourced beliefs enforcing a ‘distance’ which creates the overall sense of blandness & inability to maintain or even really access ‘good.’

I only had a brief visit with ‘being spiritual’ and it never really took hold on me, but later I have found some beliefs from that time that were ‘keeping the world at a distance.’

An example of this was that when I visited Richard & Vineeto in 2018, I was surprised by how engaged Richard was both with me & the various matters of conversation we engaged in, & the world at large. Indeed, to him, every possible subject was a matter of interest.

This was a stark contrast to how I was being at the time, which was a degree of distance & a sense of ‘superiority’ over some ‘normal, human’ subjects. I thought that they were not ‘the interesting things,’ they were not ‘actualist enough’ (a clever reworking of something not being ‘spiritual enough’) for my interest.

When I left, I resolved to bring that same all-encompassing interest to the world. After all, if something exists then it is a part of the actual world! And any and everything that ‘I’ do and feel is a part of ‘my’ reality, ‘humanity,’ and as such is of vital importance in my investigations to become free.

Could be worth poking around and seeing if you can find anything of the sort!

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87

Hmm but here it sounded like you do know exactly what it feels like:

What changed? Could it be that what you were clearly experiencing then has faded and now you believe that you didn’t experience that feeling good even though you did? Feelings can be tricky like this.

Hmmm so, I think I know what he means. I actually forgot @geoffrey said that but I described a recent PCE I had as: “there is what I called a ‘juiciness’ to existence , like there is delight pouring out of the very air as it were.”

I immediately followed that up with “This never happens while normal haha.” though.

I can see how tracing back from that one could say that even with a basic feeling good there is some ‘tastiness’ to it, but… I wouldn’t say it’s really like that. Maybe I could say, if you already know exactly where to look, even that basic feeling good has that kernel of juiciness to it, or at least a refreshing quality, that you can then nourish and it grows into feeling great and feeling excellent etc. But in my experience if you can already do that then the basic feeling good doesn’t stay basic for long, it already catapults to feeling excellent. Rather I would say basic feeling good perhaps has this kernel buried in it but it’s mixed with all sorts of other things. But the point is you’re basically feeling well.

So my advice would be to stick and nourish what you call this “sort of well”… note the difference between “content, pretty satisfied” and “bland state”, “aversion, worries, anxieties etc.” — isn’t the former so much better than the latter, even if it appears unremarkable at the time?

And if you stabilize in that “sort of well” it can go to “basically well” and “consistently well”, and then you can find that kernel in it and go from there… eh? Worth a shot maybe? :slight_smile:

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88

The below quote must be one of the most essential writings ever by geoffrey (or it’s just me thinking that? :slight_smile:). I had forgotten about it being saved in a folder on my HD and when I the other day found it - it was just: “Wow!”, and I was set back on course:

"For a work-related thing, people had to fill questionnaires about how they perceive my ‘personality’. There was a hundred of adjectives to choose from. They all checked ‘master of his emotions’. Now this was interesting. First for my immediate feeling reaction. There was satisfaction (actualism is showing), there was pride (suck it you weaklings I’m boss), there was shame (trying to abandon humanity I’m betraying you), there was ‘belonging’ worry (I must appear cold, they must not like me), etc. But all this was over in seconds. What kept me thinking was the formulation ‘master of his emotions’. Like emotions are something to master. Ain’t that a dissociative goal?

ince the last ASC I’ve committed to: ‘ never again this effing ASC’. That means no more dissociation. And having attentiveness running at the slightest diminution of enjoyment (haietmoba, how amazingly powerful it is!), I had to see that I am indeed a master at dissociation. It is my thing lol. I’ve been doing it all my life.

It’s been twice I thought I was on the verge of out-from-control (about to allow pure intent to live my life), each time there was a ‘doer’ reaction, like I had to ‘do’ something, to make it happen, simply said I had to force it. So the ASC comes: the ‘doer’ not going in abeyance, but taking control of things , i.e. dissociating, which is what the doer does regarding the emotional state.

It happens on a small scale all day long, each time there is a ‘should’ : ‘I should be feeling good’, ‘this anger should go away now’… This is a possible walking off the wide and wondrous path, when you misunderstand the fact that it is silly to feel bad for this only moment of being alive, into something like: ‘it’s my only moment of being alive so I should be feeling good’. The difference is easy to see once you see it (lol). When it is seen that feeling bad is silly, then feeling good comes on its own, you’re not doing it (you’re not doing anything). It’s like the sun coming out from behind a cloud. But when you decide that you should be feeling good, there is a doing there, like an internal ‘power-play’ on the emotions, an applying of force, like you’re moving an energy cursor inside.

During the years (and cannabis and hallucinogens) I became quite good at this energy cursor thing (keeping the bad trip away, enhancing the good trip), repressing this, expressing that. I know now why I always favored small dosages (keeping the controls), and why I didn’t really learn anything.
‘Master of his emotions’ indeed.
I’m not ‘doing’ anything anymore. The only thing I’m allowed to do is asking haietmoba. And oh my god how easy it all becomes. How fun!
There is no more ‘pressure’ (‘I should be having a PCE now I’ve been ‘walking’ for one hour’), no more getting annoyed at myself (‘damn I’m working so much at this I should be more advanced than that’)…

There is only affective awareness (which is progressively becoming continuous), attentiveness when needed, and sensuousness (which is not something you ‘do’ e.g. ‘let’s look at those flowers now’ but something that happens e.g. ‘wow those flowers look cool’).
All in all: I’m finally realizing that haietmoba is the key to open the door to the actualism method (consistently enjoying and appreciating this moment of being alive)."

That’s it. Nothing else needed… than what I marked in bould.

I keep causing confusion and I keep letting myself walk astray with my ‘problems’, but this approach of applying bodily awareness only (which makes sense to me) is what I need to get back to at all times - without me turning this into some commandment/morals. :joy:

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What a timely quote for me!

Fortunately, because of the high level of intention and the scarcity of the mushrooms (a far amount of effort is needed if I want more), I largely avoided turning the experience in recreational mastery of “tripping”.

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This might be subtly different than affective awareness, the clearest experience of affective awareness happens intuitively, eg ‘how am I intuitively feeling in this moment’

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91

I’m not sure I understand what you’re talking about here. Asking ‘How am I experiencing this moment of being alive’ is applying the brains ability to be aware of feelings right - an affective awareness?

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I just noticed that you said ‘bodily awareness’ rather than ‘affective awareness’ and it made me wonder if you were using just physical sensations to notice emotions, rather than intuitively

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This could be an interesting one to drag out I guess if one is interested :joy: This brain being aware of emotions I guess is technically right (although maybe not as it is ‘me’ who is the emotions, and ‘I’ don’t actually exist) but I see potential for dissociation (as it is such an easy thing to do in some degree).

It seems ‘me’ being aware of emotions is better, but even better would be ‘me’ seeing that I am ‘being’ whatever emotion.

As Geoffrey mentioned in his post it is so easy for that dissociation to happen on some level - bodily awareness could turn into awareness of physical symptoms of emotion which is different to the intuitive experience of emotion as @henryyyyyyyyyy mentioned.

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Yeah, what I meant with the word ‘only’ was more like: There’s nothing to understand and there’s nothing to do. I dont have to try. I don’t have to mind where this will take me. I don’t have to care about anything at all… but HAIETMOBA all day long.

It’s that simple. I truly wish it was that simple in practise. It sounds so simple, but to confess: For me it’s not.

I haven’t mentioned this to a soul… not even to Craig (if I remember correctly)… You see… there’s this other place… and a much more terrifying aspect of the abyss than what I’ve experienced so far. I have really tried to forget about it; deny and refuse to accept it - by not going forwards (applying HAIETMOBA)

Since 2010-2011. I’ve had visions of Hell… Everytime I relax and go deep into ‘being’. These visions of complete madness and terror seem to come ‘closer’. As I ‘let go’ even more… I sometimes become aware of insane images, images of extreme self-harm, rage, hatred and total insane destruction. Sometimes when this surfaces - it even takes grip of my body and has the body violently cramp/spams and I find myself scream from the top of my lungs with my mouth closed.

The whole time, I’ve hoped that actualism could save me from what I back then believed was my destiny - but it seems that I can’t cancel the abyss - it seems that I need to complete my journey by going further down into “where I right now don’t want to go”. The road is straight really…but I don’t feel like a person that’d be able to handle such an experience. I just can’t do this… as I feel right now… I just don’t know how I’ll ever be able to do it? There’s no manual. There’s only to go or not to go.

Right now I don’t want to go.

I just don’t want to feel dread and madness, even if that’s what seems to be at the core of ‘me’. These feelings are just so beyond the normal human experience and utterly terrifying! Blackness darker than the color black, excruciating pain, otherwordly dispair & total hoplessness; the abyssal crying for so many years - yeah it all seems like a piece of cake compared to what might come, if I keep ‘letting go’.

I just can’t let go…

What If I would hurt myself physically or somebody else? I just don’t see how I could take the most vile feelings know to man into this body without destroying myself nor anybody else for that matter? I don’t know how to do it… and I don’t know how it’s done. Somewhere along the way, I just need to ‘let go’ without it being a “leap of faith” or a “hoping for the best”. It must be a ‘going’ only and whatever will be will be.

I wish I had a decision as those people that became free before me. A descision which would not involve having to face mankinds madness and deepest fears. I certainly know why I linger, why I have postponed my journey for as long as I have.

I’m scared.

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95

Good news is - you don’t have to to make progress!

It’s good to know that’s there, but I’m a big proponent of tackling whatever smaller issues that are going on in your day-to-day that you feel ready to handle, and then one day when you’ve built up the confidence you can wade into ‘hell.’

I’d liken it to an open world video game where you don’t have to go attack the big boss right away, there are plenty of smaller things around the world that you can go defeat and build your ‘level’ of tolerance up. Building some confidence with these successes goes a long way toward understanding how the method works, how my psyche works, that later is very handy when it’s time to dig into something big.

‘Hell’ will always be there when you want to tackle it :slight_smile:

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96

I think your light-hearted and unconcerned reply gives testimony to the absolute authenticity and genuineness of actualism and the method. Where else on the whole WWW would I’ve have had an reply so free of judgment and personal bias?

Marvelous.

And acctually… there might be a real ‘big boss’ down here… and he doesn’t seem friendly at all, lol. When… and if it happens… it certainly would be the ‘ultimate big boss challange’. :sweat_smile:

Well said Henry!

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I don’t think I have ever experienced anything like this in terms of total insane destruction but I do remember experiencing the depths of utter despair, that place where there is only immeasurable fear and sadness.

I think practically these things will not be experienced fully until there is confidence that this can be done safely. It does seem like there is some natural fail-safe in these things, hence maybe for the time being it is sensible for you to avert yourself away from these things to a degree as you find yourself doing.

Whenever things get super spooky I always found it somewhat reassuring to remember what Richard went through and where he is now. I mean multiple months of never-ending angst, sitting on mount-doom whistling a tune, finding his much prized enlightened state to be nothing but a huge delusion, essentially living in a nightmare with no way out, no-one to direct him etc.

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98

@John

When we first interacted, I was taken aback by your attitude towards me. As if we knew each other, or had some history of interactions.

I notice obviously how freely you launched at Rick yesterday.

So, it is with little wonder that I read the “hell” you describe.

.

What I suspect is that you have been traumatized greatly. Whether by nature or nurture, the heightened sensitivity to the brutality of what you describe is understandable; when we “scratch the surface” of the human condition it is a shit show of repulsive horror.

Which leads me to suggest, that you do indeed seek a professional counselor/ therapeutic psychologist.

This was what you objectioned to in your response to me that you wouldn’t lay on “the couch” when I suggested that you were repressing sadness or something.

Actualism is not suitable therapy for trauma. There are better ways to deal with that, to achieve a level of “normal”.

Indeed, the vast majority of my journey was getting some sort of “normal” in my life.

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Something that just clicked now when experiencing that ‘dark place’. Although this goes exactly in the opposite direction of averting away/splitting away from those ‘hells’.

I have written about this before but for me I find myself oscillating between enjoying and appreciating and being launched into some version of those ‘hellish realms’ where there is what seems like never-ending and all-encompassing sorrow.

For me it usually takes the form of some fantasy around dying, that sense of being brutally taken away from everyone/everything that ‘I’ hold dear, I know the flavour of that place very well by now. It came up just now as I was sat in the car. There was initially this sense of being forever locked in this sorrowfull cell, against ‘my’ will. However this time round I could see that actually it is not that ‘I’ am being launched into some ‘hell’, as if some outside entity is trying to punish me, but rather ‘I’ am generating that very reality which then ‘I’ am seeking to escape from.

‘I’ actually create those ‘hellish realms’, they are ‘me’. Seeing this cut the whole thing short immediately, I just stopped.

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lol yes…its all just me dreaming the hell out of all kinds of things…completely imaginary situations one after the other

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101

Just to pitch in and add that i don’t think it’s necessary to go here either. It might feel inevitable and like you do — but this feeling of being compelled, is just part of the package, and it’s not a fact!

There’s no “dark night of the soul” requirement for actualism!

The reports of “plumbing the depths of one’s psyche” is something that you can choose to do and/or may find yourself doing, when it’s appropriate to do so. But definitely not something you have to do.

Also when any such plumbing of a depth will happen, I don’t recommend doing it without a firm connection to purity / pure intent — such pure intent will make it completely safe to do so.

And if you do happen to find yourself in hell as I once did (I experienced myself as literally the devil, here just to cause havoc and mess up random people’s lives), without necessarily a firm grasp on pure intent at the time - then simply keep your hands in your pocket (as I did then) and everything will eventually subside and be ok!

Cheers,
Claudiu

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102

Speaking personally, when I experienced that super dread once when attempting to self-immolate, I just kept my hands in my pocket like Claudiu is saying and knowing well from the past track record of all feelings - they will die out sooner or later…and now whenever something of that sort bubbles up, I already know what that territory is so simply decline to go there aka nip it in the bud…because its the same ol same ol with nothing fruitful to give.

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