The below quote must be one of the most essential writings ever by geoffrey (or it’s just me thinking that? 
). I had forgotten about it being saved in a folder on my HD and when I the other day found it - it was just: “Wow!”, and I was set back on course:
"For a work-related thing, people had to fill questionnaires about how they perceive my ‘personality’. There was a hundred of adjectives to choose from. They all checked ‘master of his emotions’. Now this was interesting. First for my immediate feeling reaction. There was satisfaction (actualism is showing), there was pride (suck it you weaklings I’m boss), there was shame (trying to abandon humanity I’m betraying you), there was ‘belonging’ worry (I must appear cold, they must not like me), etc. But all this was over in seconds. What kept me thinking was the formulation ‘master of his emotions’. Like emotions are something to master. Ain’t that a dissociative goal?
ince the last ASC I’ve committed to: ‘ never again this effing ASC’. That means no more dissociation. And having attentiveness running at the slightest diminution of enjoyment (haietmoba, how amazingly powerful it is!), I had to see that I am indeed a master at dissociation. It is my thing lol. I’ve been doing it all my life.
It’s been twice I thought I was on the verge of out-from-control (about to allow pure intent to live my life), each time there was a ‘doer’ reaction, like I had to ‘do’ something, to make it happen, simply said I had to force it. So the ASC comes: the ‘doer’ not going in abeyance, but taking control of things , i.e. dissociating, which is what the doer does regarding the emotional state.
It happens on a small scale all day long, each time there is a ‘should’ : ‘I should be feeling good’, ‘this anger should go away now’… This is a possible walking off the wide and wondrous path, when you misunderstand the fact that it is silly to feel bad for this only moment of being alive, into something like: ‘it’s my only moment of being alive so I should be feeling good’. The difference is easy to see once you see it (lol). When it is seen that feeling bad is silly, then feeling good comes on its own, you’re not doing it (you’re not doing anything). It’s like the sun coming out from behind a cloud. But when you decide that you should be feeling good, there is a doing there, like an internal ‘power-play’ on the emotions, an applying of force, like you’re moving an energy cursor inside.
During the years (and cannabis and hallucinogens) I became quite good at this energy cursor thing (keeping the bad trip away, enhancing the good trip), repressing this, expressing that. I know now why I always favored small dosages (keeping the controls), and why I didn’t really learn anything.
‘Master of his emotions’ indeed.
I’m not ‘doing’ anything anymore. The only thing I’m allowed to do is asking haietmoba. And oh my god how easy it all becomes. How fun!
There is no more ‘pressure’ (‘I should be having a PCE now I’ve been ‘walking’ for one hour’), no more getting annoyed at myself (‘damn I’m working so much at this I should be more advanced than that’)…
There is only affective awareness (which is progressively becoming continuous), attentiveness when needed, and sensuousness (which is not something you ‘do’ e.g. ‘let’s look at those flowers now’ but something that happens e.g. ‘wow those flowers look cool’).
All in all: I’m finally realizing that haietmoba is the key to open the door to the actualism method (consistently enjoying and appreciating this moment of being alive)."
That’s it. Nothing else needed… than what I marked in bould.
I keep causing confusion and I keep letting myself walk astray with my ‘problems’, but this approach of applying bodily awareness only (which makes sense to me) is what I need to get back to at all times - without me turning this into some commandment/morals. 