João: Hi Vineeto,
(…)
Vineeto: Good, you start where you are at – slowly taking notice where you push an unpleasant feeling into the background, keeping it at arm’s length. Then having noticed that you can instead embrace it (instead of fearing or fighting it) and realising that you are the feeling … being the feeling instead of having it you have the easy choice to be feeling good instead.
João: What you mention, as of now, is elusive to me. It is why I decided to say it as me having feelings instead of being them, because that is how I experience it. The only thing I noticed so far is a habit of keeping sources of discomfort at arm’s length by moving away and staying clear whenever I can, unless there is a strong enough reason not to. This reply is a good example of that. Although it would have taken a long time anyway, I can see that I have avoided it numerous times. Noticing this is being useful.
Hi João,
The “habit of keeping sources of discomfort at arm’s length” is something most feeling beings, men in particular, have trouble with. The reason I call it ‘trouble’ is because the very act of pushing one’s negative feelings away, to arm’s length, is what not only keeps them in place but the very action of suppressing/ pushing away is adding affective energy to it.
Instead you can notice the feeling, then acknowledge it, then embrace it in the sense of ‘it is happening to me’ and then, slowly, learn to bring your feeling from the position of ‘arm’s length’ closer and closer, by neither suppressing nor expressing it – so intimately close until you experience that at this moment you are the feeling you experience instead of thinking you having the feeling. Then something astounding can happen.
This is one of the significant things to remember again and again as it is a vital actualism tool of recognizing one’s feelings and eventually minimizing the ‘good’ and bad feelings seeing the silliness of having any such feeling spoil the enjoyment of this moment of being alive. You will see the more you put this into action the easier it will become.
João: I experience myself as a cognitive being that has a feeling from time to time, which is detected and, usually, the trigger identified. Although I don’t mean that there is a feeling from time to time, it must be that I am not aware of the other ones.
Vineeto: Ha, you will find out that this feeling “from time to time” is practically going on all the time, often as a background anxiety or resentment.
João: I appreciate you saying that because I was wondering about it at the time. I understood that I must be unaware of the rest, and then, while contemplating that, noticed a background anxiety but was unsure whether I was imagining things.
I now also remember noticing it in the past and trying to resolve it at different times. Not sure why I was not remembering it. Like when parts of me disappear and I can barely remember them, I have now experienced a few times things coming back that were completely hidden. All this mistifying is still very mystifying to me.
It is natural when you begin to pay attention to how you experience this moment of being alive that you discover more and more layers, or nuances, of what is happening. The more you a curious and friendly (not critical or derogative) explorer the more willingly ‘who’ you are can reveal itself to you. When I make a comment like “you will find out” I am not only talking from personal experience but also from the knowledge that this applies to everyone suffering from the human condition.
João: Yet (at least) you and Claudiu speak about appreciation of the enjoyment of this moment of being alive. I am a bit confused by that. In my mind that almost seems as if this moment of being alive is being slighted, that all one appreciates is one’s enjoyment of it, in a self-centered way.
Vineeto: Given that being happy and harmless is not reinforcing ‘me’ but rather diminishing ‘me’, it is totally ok to enjoy being alive and appreciating it.
João: It took me a while to understand why you were saying this. It finally dawned on me that I said “in a self-centered way.” It was a mistake. I meant excluding the appreciation of this moment of being alive as a whole and only appreciating my enjoyment of it. And I meant it as seeing the appreciation of the enjoyment as favorable but not comprehending why the rest is being omitted. Yet I get that there must be a good reason for you to say it that way and that one will probably only grasp it experientially.
Exactly. Of course, when you are beginning to learn how to appreciate this moment of being alive (in lieu of a socialised attitude of criticism, resentment and often self-castigation of what is happening) you start with appreciating the enjoyment of this moment. Here is again an example how thinking things out in your head is not conducive to understanding actualism – actualism is experiential, fascinatingly exploring how you tick whilst living it, with increasing attentiveness. And of course, whatever you do is “in a self-centered way” – that is the very primordial disposition of every feeling being – and no arm-chair criticising of yourself can change that, only persistent fascination and practical application can do that.
João: As I said, I did not initially understand your response, but something curious happened when I read it: there was a sudden and intense emotional reaction. I then noticed that I was feeling rebuked/attacked and thought that I was being silly. This continued until I realized what I had said, when it all stopped. Looking into it, it seems to have happened because the intellect was baffled, so there was a void that was immediately filled affectively. Or maybe the inability of a higher-order function to make sense of things resulted in a lower one being employed. But whichever way, the outcome was fear. It was interesting to experience how intellectually seeing it as me being silly made no affective difference whatsoever, whereas noticing the relevant facts and comprehending what happened made a world of difference. All things considered, it ended up being a comical and informative experience.
Here you have the lived example and explanation why you at first had trouble understanding what I said – you felt “rebuked/ attacked and thought that I was being silly” – fascinating, isn’t it. That’s how you find out how you ‘tick’, how your feelings operate. And the stronger the feeling at the moment, the more clear thinking is stifled or entirely intercepted. (You might find this page informative).
João: But this leads to the question of why fear. After considering it, I came to the conclusion that I was prone to it. I am not fully certain because I may be missing something, but it appears to be the combination of two things. Firstly, a wanting and hoping to belong, which I don’t remember ever experiencing before. Secondly, a belief that I will face rejection unless I am regarded as valuable. From this state of affairs it follows that, besides wanting/ needing to show value, I feared being rejected and being diminished, since for me being diminished would lead to being rejected. So when I became baffled, my fears came to the fore. Especially since it was with an expert and role model from whom I wanted/needed approval. (link)
You have understood correctly – the fear of rejection stems from the desire to belong and to be “regarded as valuable”. As an identity one feels the need to belong in order to affirm and reinforce your, the identity’s, (non-actual) existence by having other, equally insecure, identities mutually exchanging regard of being valuable. You can gain some information and insight from Richard’s Selected Correspondence on Belonging and what I recently wrote to Kuba in regards to be “respected/ taken seriously/ substantiated”. (link).
Cheers Vineeto