So after the July PCE came two intense months of continuing to explore “love” and its implications. At the same time I ended the public position I had. The latter has been what has involved me the most lately. I realized that a whole identity had been formed around it. The identity of the activist who began to hold a position in the government in order to change things. 9 years later I see the fruits and consequences. They were good years of work and achieving things that I consider positive for the city. But the effects on the health of the body (and in “mental health”) have been many. I suffer from chronic stress according to the latest medical reports. And as a result, I have not been able to recover from reactive arthritis. Things that before the PCE I saw in a certain way as misfortunes, but that after it and the recovery of pure intent, it is possible for me to see objectively as mere health issues to attend to.
Although dismantling the political and activist identity is bringing enormous benefits, it has above all been the exploration of love that has brought the most. What I can say for now is that I have been replacing a way of relating to my partner based on compulsive attraction with a way based on sweetness and care (and this substitution has not been a forced decision, rather I would say that it has been the product of experience and sincere observation). I can recognize that this care has above all to do with not imposing my agenda on her and fully understanding that she is a human being with her own autonomy, desires and needs. It has helped me to remember Richard’s commitment to giving himself completely to someone else with the firm intention of managing to live in an absolutely peaceful, harmonious and beneficial way for both. I feel less and less compulsive, in fact there are already days or maybe weeks in which I do not experience again the level of anxiety that I felt before the PCE. From time to time it is reactivated for a short period, and by simply attending to it, observing it, without expressing it or repressing it, it allows its prompt disappearance.
For the first time in a long time I’m starting to feel consistently good, and for the first time it’s happening consciously and deliberately. The connection with pure intent that I was able to recover through the July PCE has been key. From time to time I have lost it. Sometimes for a couple of days. But it has worked for me to stop, and experience with full attentiveness everything that is happening to me emotionally, and then once again endorse my commitment to help myself free myself from all violence and thus be able to benefit each person for whom I feel affection, until I move to a greater plane and to be able to contemplate this for all humanity. I have noticed that it is useless to do it intellectually, or as if it were a spiritual mantra. It only helps to do it sincerely. To remember all the suffering and pain that I have experienced, or in which I have been a participant, even the cause, and the sincerity with which today I can say that I do not want even one millimeter more of all of it. On the contrary.
That clarity that arises from that sincerity reestablishes the connection. And also naivety.
Finally: since this weekend I have begun to understand more clearly what it means to decide how to feel, moment by moment (or when it is necessary to make a decision, since the consistency of feeling good, or excellent, etc. has been broken). .). I confess with all sincerity that until recently it seemed very difficult for me to understand or even accept this possibility. My tendency was rather that of a victim of circumstances. Feeling without agency at certain moments and in a negative sense (“the beer” is, in a positive sense, the disappearance of the “dooer’s” agency). This has begun to change significantly. Now I see and recognize that I do have that power, that decision is in my hands. Why not always decide to feel good, and beyond? It seems more and more absurd to me. And wonderful.