James: As ‘we’ know was referring to you and I when I said “As we know this feeling doesn’t last”.
Hi James,
The reason the ‘we’ is not applicable because the person who knew that “this feeling doesn’t last” was feeling being ‘Vineeto’ who became extinct in January 2010. Also, that the feeling “doesn’t last” was not ‘Vineeto’s’ experience, she had to actively look into ‘her’ dreams and hopes regarding love and relationship in order to uproot love in herself – love certainly did not just disappear of its own accord. ‘She’ wrote about ‘her’ successful investigations –
‘Vineeto’: My traditional response to the feeling of being trapped had been that the man should give me his love and reassurance. But the way to the intimacy that I had already experienced and wanted to have with Peter all the time, was that I had to question, examine and eliminate the notorious bunch of feelings called love. Peter’s description of our adventure into freedom and intimacy is certainly not just a male point of view. Did he love me enough or not, or did I love him enough or not, was not the question – I discovered that love was not the solution but the problem itself!
The answer again lay 180 degrees in the opposite direction to what I had come to know up to now. I had expected or assumed someone was to love my ‘grotty self’, when even I could not stand those parts of me! A person who ‘loves me’ is supposed to accept all those ‘quirks of my personality’, which no intelligent human being would be able to put up with without blind nature’s intoxication known as ‘being in love’. And for years I had tried the same with the men I had ‘loved’, without success or happiness, let alone lasting intimacy. Intimacy can only happen when there is no emotion, no feeling or projection in the way between us. So, one of the first things that we discovered to be in the way of actual intimacy were the feelings of love – that sweet syrup that was usually poured over the spiky, malicious, miserable ‘self’, which I was most of the time!
One thing that I particularly didn’t like about falling in love was the pining. Whenever I was not with Peter I felt I was tied to him on a long elastic cord and not able to fully enjoy whatever I was doing by myself. Digging into what could be the reason for my pining, I discovered what I call the ‘Cinderella-syndrome’ – the romantic dream that most women have about the perfect and noble man. We are not only looking for someone who takes care of us when our own strength fails us, but also for someone who gives perspective, meaning, definition and identity to our lives, be it as father of our kids, provider of social status, security or a purpose for life. According to this dream Peter should be the answer to the question which I wasn’t willing to face myself: ‘What do I really want to do with my life?’
I remember a Monday evening after a weekend together, and I had been pining the whole day. I had not enjoyed work as I found myself struggling to get out of this exhausting dependency. Here I was, 44 years old and as silly as a teenager! After work I took a long walk across rolling hills into a spectacular sunset, trying to work out what I wanted to do with my life.
In the end, I had to admit that, whatever it was, it had not the slightest thing to do with anything that Peter could do for me. I wanted to be perfect and I had to do it myself. I still had to clean myself up. Just having found a probable good mate had nothing to do with the fact that I wasn’t the best I could be; that I wasn’t free. I decided there and then to face the challenge, to abandon the love-dream and go for the actual experience – meeting another human being as intimately as possible instead of looking up to him and waiting for him to be the ‘hero of my dreams’.
That very evening the situation changed. My pining stopped. The fog in the head cleared. My expectations disappeared. I could again stand on my own feet and equally enjoy the time when I was by myself. I had recovered my autonomy – my autonomy in the sense that I am the only one in my life who is responsible for my happiness. (A Bit of Vineeto, #love)
There is a second part to ‘Vineeto’s’ story about love, you can read it here – (A Bit of Vineeto, #love2)
James: Thanks for the reminder about the method. I woke up feeling good this morn with no pain and I am enjoying and appreciating. I am having fun and enjoying writing to you and I really do appreciate you.
Great to hear you are having fun and enjoying and appreciating being alive and corresponding with me.
I have reminded you about the actualism method because what you said you were doing. “Burn it out”, stayed with the feeling long enuf to extinguish it” are your own inventions and not how Richard described the actualism method.
James: Yes, the quote about addiction is spot on. Toward the end of that discussion with Richard he said that what we (humanity) are addicted to is ‘me’ which is suffering so I am looking to see exactly how this works. I think this feeling of love keeps me addicted to ‘me’ or maybe ‘me’ keeps ‘me’ addicted to love. Iow: I am ‘my’ feelings and my feelings are ‘me’. (link)
There certainly seems to be an addictive quality to the love you experience, and the suffering that accompanies it. Remember, it’s not love’s doing (like another entity or power) but your doing. That means you can stop doing it when you find out why you keep it around by discovering which hopes and dreams are the reason for you to hold onto it.
Enjoy playing Sherlock Holmes with your own mind.
Cheers Vineeto