Intimacy

[syd]

I appreciate the “broad stroke” feedback, Kuba. It is actually quite amazing how there are various people here, with their own unique life history and paths, giving valuable third-party perspective into my reports. It helps me see my blind spots. High IQ can indeed be a hindrance; intelligence originally evolved to serve deception.

Claudiu said similar thing earlier:

@syd

@claudiu

I’ll just say that rather than trying to control these things either ahead of time or in the moment, just go with it and see how it goes. It’s not an actualist ‘sin’ to feel […] with someone — just enjoy it! Whatever upsides or downsides you may imagine — the best way to discover is by experience, with more experience it will become clearer.

Yea, I see it now. This is first-principles based thinking but on steroids.

But I like the way you put it:

@Kub933

It seems what is needed (it will likely feel rather tender and maybe even terrifying at times ) is to bring those uncomfortable/uneasy feelings out from hiding and to simply allow yourself to experience them fully, no grand ‘actualist plan’, no fancy techniques, no high-flying lingo. Just ‘be’ a feeling being, “one of the plebs” as I would have seen it a while back (It was painful to be sat in my ivory tower though).

Meanwhile, the affectional feelings have diminished to a bare minimum, where I basically feel fond for her on top of a strong sexual desire to devour her. I can easily envision myself being enraptured just by looking at her, smiling at her, with a lascious gaze tacitly inviting her to participate in that intimacy unfolding in the moment, being playful as the moment welcomes it, all the while being sensitive to how she responds, adapting accordingly.

Reading your post, I realized I have been basically ‘holding on’ to this preferable emotional stable (being visibly sexual, rather than needy or nervous, is more likely to facilitate her own desire?). Which allowed me to ‘ease up’, and let feelings be. Then, I saw fear was hiding in the corner. It never was fully hidden of course, as it would pop to surface from time to time. Fear of rejection, basically. Just feelings I’m observing, nothing serioius. Then I saw how this fear is redundant, because it is not going to help me avert the feared thing; if anything it can actually lead to it (proof: my time back in December). The fear is also the flipside of desire … the desire to ‘possess’ her (physically, sexually and emotionally) … they go hand in hand, together. Wow. Anyway, this investigation is ongoing; no rush. But I feel quite good in fact about the upcoming date (~7 hours from now).

Thank you all once again for your responses here!