Hi Syd,
You seem to be caught in the typically ‘male’ blind nature drives and desires.
In all of your writings about it, I haven’t read a single line about be curious about her. Who is she.? What is her background? What are her thoughts about life, the universe, everything?
It’s great you are being so open, as it’s clear that you are (as you know already) failing hard! But not for the reasons you are thinking.
Being a typical blind nature ‘male’’ is hard. Really is such a massive drag. You can see how it has only a single goal; sex. It, blind nature, doesn’t care at all about her. It doesn’t care about you either. Which is to say, ‘we’ don’t care about each other naturally.
Your efforts are admirable! However, the dichotomy is not the whole story of what you are struggling with (hope and despair). Not in my opinion anyway.
It’s fear. Fear of the pain of rejection, Fear of losing something important. Which you have spotted. Fear.
I think also there is already a lot of naivety going on, there is curiosity and creativity. I love you wrote an app! Haha. Very cool.
It’s being ‘human’ which is hard. You are doing a good job. Chances are good that it is indeed going to hurt. Chances are also good you will be fine!
Cheers
Andrew