Intimacy experiences? right direction?

Actualism
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My main ‘theme’ for the last few months has been the interplay between intimacy, loneliness, sincerity, insecurity, and authenticity. Trying to organize my thoughts a bit, analyze my good and bad experiences, and get some feedback here.

Good experiences:
Going to start with describing the best experiences I’ve had that are my current goalpost. My main question with these is should they be treated as a goalpost or are they just a case of ‘good feelings’?. These are a collection of experiences that follow a certain pattern.

There is a marked absence of self consciousness and inhibition. I find myself simply saying what comes to mind, doing what comes to mind, but it is of an innocent and harmless character, sensitivity is not effortful, no excruciating debate about should/shouldn’t. My attention is facing outwards and I feel genuinely curious about everyone else’s current experience and perspective. I am oriented towards fun and enjoyment. I find myself holding eye contact and my attention isn’t wavering when someone is talking to me.

I also find a sense of eagerness to unmask myself. Like I am taking a joy in being the center of attention at some moments while also being attentive in others. I am happy to be embarrassed by what happens, my intention is to have myself so fully ‘out there’ that I don’t have any choice but to remain naked and unhidden[1].

Not much experience of sensuosity going on usually with this, is that always an issue? Definitely not a PCE as there was a sense of self and intermittent excitement. It did feel naive and intimate though which is the main thing that gives some hope that it’s the right direction. Maybe it’s an IE that I keep being able to access? I’ve noticed alcohol helps though only when I’m starting from the right attitude.

The entry to it feels like it’s all about fear and vulnerability. Like choosing to respond to fear with vulnerable exposure rather than pulling back. It’s a choice to take a big risk. Very much overcoming the feeling of a ‘social identity’ trying to keep me safe and also keep me ‘respected’. The action of ‘overcoming’ seems to be an act of naivete triumphing over cynicism.

Bad experiences:
I have had some periods of major anxiety after these experiences. Like worrying that I had hurt my reputation or acted self-absorbed and full of myself. Something very scary about being so free in expressing myself. There is a part of me that thinks I was being self-centered and that it is more virtuous to remain quiet and reserved.

Also I keep having these experiences of insecurity when I try to reach out and connect with people. There is the inclination there to increase intimacy with people but there is the fear of being secretly disliked and just put up with. Potentially this is just a case of how I normally would avoid being outgoing and now I am opening myself to the already-existing anxiety.

There is a fear that I am addicted to attention, affection, and love and all that is happening in that ‘good state’ is that I am feeling belonging, and loved/liked. The problem with that would be that I am trying to achieve an unsustainable state that requires believing that other people like me.

Summary:
I suppose the essential issue that I am seeking to understand is whether my motivations are ‘salvageable’… they aren’t perfect but maybe there is an important helpful direction that I can move in. In a way it feels like what I am doing is integrating my very real desires for belonging and affection in a way that leads me to being more naive… and fulfilling those desires via being more ingenuous and authentic in my interactions with people.

edit: one other thought. Is this type of ‘self-exposure’ necessary? It feels like a very important thing to be doing that gives my self less to hide. Also is a certain sort of uninhibitedness necessary for actual freedom or virtual freedom? That’s kind of how it feels to me after a long period of seeking actual freedom while being very inhibited generally. As long as the intent is innocence happiness and harmlessness disinhibition seems core right?

[1] One instance where this was obvious was when I was tubing on the river in the late summer and the water was really cold. I was in a crappy tube that was half way in the water and I am pretty skinny and start shivering. I was fully in the state being described above and I felt very unashamed at the situation where normally I know I would have tried to hide it to some degree. I climbed in to other people’s tube to ‘cuddle’ a bit while everyone was laughing and it didn’t really matter if they were laughing with me or at me… I was totally willing to laugh at myself so it would have been the same really.

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I think this sounds pretty good!

I can relate to this, I think it is part of an adjustment period. You are moving towards intimacy and then these obstacles come in to stop you from changing, from moving away from ‘normal’, ‘you’ come back in full force to fit ‘yourself’ back to where you were previously as if there is a danger there. In my experience those parts will continue popping back in but each time you realise that it is safe this baseline shifts a little.

I think as you continue doing the above - moving towards intimacy and continually seeing the obstacles as silly, you will also begin to separate out intimacy, delight, enjoyment and appreciation away from the belonging, the affection etc. I don’t think there’s a need to overthink this too much because at the end of the day what is an actualist good for if not being aware of their feelings :smiley: So you catch yourself, you notice that you were feeling naive and now you are feeling those loving affectionate feelings, and now you see how they have shifted you back to feeling anxious. So you take stock of this and aim to get back to that initial naive state.

The sort of process you describe I have been going through something similar and in my experience it becomes progressively easier to be naive without the fears and equally to recognise and thus avoid going down the route of the good feelings either.

Then eventually it makes more and more sense to continue being naive, it feels good for me, it is fun, it gets me closer to others so they can have fun too, it is light (no expectations etc), there is consideration without having to be moralistic. All in all it is better than being good or bad.

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I have had a similar ‘adjustment period’ pretty much with anything that entailed moving away from ‘normal’ .

So for example I was always very afraid of offending people, saying no, potentially entering conflict etc which meant that when I initially attempted to move away from this there were various fears that I was moving in the wrong direction, the fact of the matter is though that the direction felt ‘wrong’ precisely because it was away from ‘normal’. Every time I reviewed the situations though I noticed that I was indeed acting in a way that was sensible. It’s tricky though because at those times the collective wisdom of humanity points in another direction too! So I really become on my own with pure intent as the guide, then I must discover of my own accord the way to proceed which is where naïveté is so important. The discoveries made with pure intent are priceless though because it is my discovery now, there is a complete certainty because I didn’t arrive at the discovery via belief, I found it by being ingenuous and somehow cutting through the ‘tried and true’.

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I’ll second what @Kub933 said here, a lot of the art of being an actualist has to do with gradually getting to know the nuances of difference between different feelings, and that can only be done via exposure & practice. I think you’re doing a great thing by putting yourself in these situations.

As it seems you’re finding, looking for intimacy will inevitably reveal good feelings as well as bad feelings, but that’s part of the plan. That’s how you get to see what you’re up to… so much better than sitting at home theorizing about how you’d feel in this or that situation.

A good guidepost to telling if you’re experiencing ‘good feelings’ or just feeling good is that good feelings ‘spin up’ narratives of possession, whether that’s towards people or towards situations and experiences (eg “I can’t wait to do this again”). It can be subtle though, it’s a common occurrence to have an extremely pure intimacy experience and then love jumps in moments later. This is completely normal, it’s just a question of learning to recognize when that’s happened and making the correction to course. Sometimes this takes months or years!

Something I did early on with actualism which helped was listen to some really sappy love music and see what I was feeling. It helped illustrate to myself precisely what those ‘good feelings’ felt like, so I could recognize them more easily. I’d recommend trying it!

You have to start somewhere, so it’s no ‘issue.’ But it does raise the question, of what are you enjoying if not sensuosity? Remember that everything that actually exists physically exists, which is to say that everything that actually exists we detect with our senses - in other words, sensuously. That’s why on the simple actualism site one entry to PCE is to ‘look at surfaces’

Whatever catches your interest go for that. Look at things with ‘the surface of your eyeballs’. Like your eyes are caressing, drinking, tasting the surfaces of whatever you encounter.

What is one being intimate with if not what is sensuously available?

Using the model of ‘enjoying & appreciating,’ ‘enjoying’ is a more direct sensuosity where ‘appreciating’ has a bit more of a cognitive component, in terms of ‘appreciating the situation,’ having an appreciation for everything that goes into making a situation what it is. So there could be that aspect in your experiencing of those moments - only you can judge that.

In PCE, those become one & the same thing… bathing in sensuous enjoyment, situated in a vast appreciation of everything that is… all at once. It’s also what the experience of infinitude consists of: apperception of the significance of the universe, directly experienced here & now

Perhaps some of the excitement is in recognizing the immanence of such a potential experiencing, while still a ‘self’ believing in some risks that ‘I’ believe in.

Something that may be useful here is, when one finds oneself in that position of immanence, to ‘temporarily make oneself, one’s narratives, unimportant’ (paraphrasing Richard). Plunge forward, and see what that immanence can do.

A bit like this:

The following evening, I found myself back on my couch, leaning across the little table that separated us, explaining to Richard that I experienced him as being on the other side of a veil – with only his face bulging through as it were. As I was explaining this to him, I was waving my hand in front of my face so as to illustrate the veil and I happened to look down at the table in front of me.

What happens when you keep going forward through the veil (making one’s fears temporarily unimportant)?

Again seconding @Kub933, this is very normal and to be expected. In many ways, what actualism is is proving to oneself that it is safe to be naive, to be intimate. This proving can only really happen experientially, ‘thinking it through’ only gets one so far before ‘I’ have to know that it works, that it is safe. So again you’re doing the perfect thing by putting yourself in these situations.

This fear/insecurity will reduce with exposure, as will the excitement, resulting in a cleaner enjoyment. The exception is if something traumatic occurs. A certain amount of carefulness can be prudent especially early on to ‘care for oneself’ and only get into a situation when you’re confident you’re ready for it. There’s also something self-defining in this: if you’re putting yourself in a situation, you must think you’re ready for it. So in that sense there’s a fail-safe.

On the other hand, a certain amount of cockiness via success or boldness is also useful to push one forward. What I’ve used as guidance is basically doing whatever sounds the most fun to me in a moment. There is a lot of morality & belief around how to interact with people, remember that you’re on a mission to find out for yourself what the best way to do things is, using your own judgment.

Of course you are! That’s what it is to be a being. Take that for granted, that you do that. It’s the starting point for all of us. The question is, can you become more addicted to this intimacy than you are to the attention, affection, and love? It helps knowing all the downsides to the love-dynamics. This is also something that has to be lived to be known.

We all want others to like us. In a way that’s something that is complimented by actualism. Richard told me that he has been ‘a normal man, an enlightened man, and an actually free man’ and that by far women liked him the most as an actually free man. The peace is palpable. It makes a difference.

What we can’t accomplish though, is for others to always like us. It’s impossible, because they are themselves: all humans possess the capacity for - and apply - hatred, vindictiveness, dislike, aggravation, etc etc. We cannot expect or hope for anyone to constantly treat us well. It will not happen - short of hanging out with the 7 or 8 actually free folks. There is peace in no longer expecting this from others.

This week I’ve been asking myself: can I be happy in a world where I can’t expect that from people? So far so good…

This sounds great, I’ve been expounding using one’s available motivations for peace-on-earth freedom causes to all & sundry lately

The more the better. But one has to go at the pace that one is ready for. It’s completely normal & expected to ‘regress’ at different phases.

Basically expose as much of yourself as possible → observe beliefs → remove those beliefs → even more uninhibited than before → more of ‘me’ is exposed → observe those beliefs/feelings

It’s a feedback cycle, and the further I go the less there is of me.

The potential risk is : super uninhibited, very quickly → do something very silly → it freaks ‘me’ out forever → I climb into a hole & drop actualism bc I’m so freaked out, and never get back to it

This is a real risk worth considering, and the reason for going at a pace that one can handle. It’s also the role of pure intent, to keep the correct direction in mind so ‘I’ don’t make a grab for power & do some of the predictable silly human things

Just like this:

Yes

This all seems super promising! Looking forward to the next report :sparkles: :sparkles:

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Reading you guys (and others); Adam, Kuba & Henry, I gain so much confidence that the success of actual freedom in transforming the world is in safe hands.

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Let’s add another pair of hands from a man called @Andrew then! :grin:

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Thanks for the suggestions and encouragement guys. Mostly agreeing and appreciating with your comments so I’ll just pull out a few points that feel like they have some complication to them.

KUB:

So for example I was always very afraid of offending people, saying no, potentially entering conflict etc which meant that when I initially attempted to move away from this there were various fears that I was moving in the wrong direction, the fact of the matter is though that the direction felt ‘wrong’ precisely because it was away from ‘normal’. Every time I reviewed the situations though I noticed that I was indeed acting in a way that was sensible. It’s tricky though because at those times the collective wisdom of humanity points in another direction too! So I really become on my own with pure intent as the guide, then I must discover of my own accord the way to proceed which is where naïveté is so important. The discoveries made with pure intent are priceless though because it is my discovery now, there is a complete certainty because I didn’t arrive at the discovery via belief, I found it by being ingenuous and somehow cutting through the ‘tried and true’

I am finding this to be the cutting edge of things right now. I notice the social identity coming up to criticize what I am doing, and one of the tools it uses is suggesting I am doing something harmful. Or that I am being full of myself. I think it’s partly masculine identity here telling me to not act ‘cute’ or droll for the sake of fun, because those things are for women and are self-centered or something. The judgment of harmfulness is coming up in the context of taking the initiative with being sociable especially (though not only) with women.

So these self-judgments are still stopping me to a large degree, I think a big part of how I move forward is to tune into pure intent as much as possible. The more harmless I am on an emotional/intentional level the more I can tone down that social identity.

HENRY:

What is one being intimate with if not what is sensuously available?

Using the model of ‘enjoying & appreciating,’ ‘enjoying’ is a more direct sensuosity where ‘appreciating’ has a bit more of a cognitive component, in terms of ‘appreciating the situation,’ having an appreciation for everything that goes into making a situation what it is. So there could be that aspect in your experiencing of those moments - only you can judge that.

Hmm I suppose a lot of what I am experiencing at these times is appreciation indeed, particularly appreciating the absence of certain things that I am used to being there. Like appreciating the absence of a sense of distance, appreciating the absence of nervous calculating self-consciousness. I think I am also appreciating the experience of me being naive, that feeling itself is pleasant at least relative to normal feelings.

I do think I am enjoying people around me but not really in a sensuous aesthetic way. There is very little of the ‘caressing of surfaces’ going on. It’s more like ‘wow a fellow human being what will they say next?’

I am finding other people to have these qualities of originality, insight, humor, sweetness, individuality, stubbornness etc. These aren’t things I would say I am picking up via sensuosity. Technically I am physically sensing them but the enjoyment seems like a different quality than what I’ve always recognized as sensuosity. Trying to get as specific as possible about what I am enjoying… something I’ll think about in the next few days.

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I think what you describe above is essentially the same as the difference between an EE and IE, where the main focus is either on the world or the intimate experiencing of one’s fellow human beings, either way naivete and excellence are there which seems key.

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This is really cool to read! It’s awesome when these things are noticed because then there is a fascination in the other person, a genuine interest. Good reminder for me of what to aim for too.

It’s interesting when having these intimacy experiences where everyone all of a sudden becomes a possible friend, not in a sense of expectations, responsibilities etc but more a friendliness that seems to be so easily accessible.

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