Hi Vineeto
Thank you for your insight.
Yes I can say although ultimately I do want to feel good, at the moment I am currently becoming aware of what I am feeling, so I suppose I am more wanting to feel what I am feeling. What the full spectrum of feelings encompasses and feels like, to feel what it is to be a complete feeling being. I had developed something like a blanket suppression order on almost all of the way I feel (therefore the way I am) and am in the careful process of uncovering and looking at everything that makes up me. I believe this is the process of accepting myself/liking myself.
I don’t like myself because I can be scared, angry, sad, deceitful, petty, arrogant, childish, greedy, cunning. I am slowly welcoming those parts of me I have rejected, with the right mind I can recognise those parts are natural and appropriate for a feeling being to feel (putting aside the question as to the appropriateness of expressing or acting on them). Appropriate also doesn’t mean sensible - expected might be a better word. That is if I feel something, it’s not for no reason, nor is it an anomaly of experience. For example - it makes sense for an animal to feel like it is powerful and competent - why wouldn’t it. It seems fundamental that a creature should not doubt its ability to do and achieve what is required for survival. The odd thing is that a creature would feel like those feelings must be suppressed or hidden, but again this is about survival in the group so if the creature feels more safe (achieves homeostasis) by not expressing those feelings whether through training by peers or life experience then that would make sense that suppression occurs.
Cognitively, I understand that I can only change myself; emotionally, I want everything else to change - so there is something missing in my understanding (did feeling-being Vineeto experience something like this?). I do feel sad and angry and scared when I think about ‘the way things are in general’. I find myself thinking/feeling things like ‘life just gets worse and worse’ or ‘it’s just one thing after another’ or ‘what’s the point, it’s just never going to change’. I think these point to a belief that I have adopted or developed over the years, that life is somehow impossible to enjoy.
On the other hand, I also really enjoy being alive, and there is so much I love about existing, and I feel sad if I contemplate dying or being gone (at the same time as desiring oblivion and release). And I love more than anything the times when I have a PCE or excellence experience.
The resentment I think comes from feeling frustrated about not having the resources to only do the things in life that I enjoy - those things that stimulate good feelings.
I don’t immediately relate to the phrase ‘I didn’t ask to be born’ - but I will allow the investigation of that to percolate because I have learned that I can be blind to aspects of myself.
I want to decline this resentment but in the past I have only succeeded in suppressing - is there anything I can do to bridge the gap between realising something and actualising it.
From communication with Claudiu I understand that when something is fully seen for what it is, then the declination will happen automatically because it is obvious to not do that. In the mean-time I can keep shining a light on the feelings/beliefs to uncover more until that moment happens. Is there anything you can suggest here.
As an aside - I’ve noticed that I massively enjoy hearing or reading about the experience of the actual world. For example whenever I read the tales of becoming free, or recently Geoffrey’s description of letting go of the ‘guardian’, or when I was visiting you and Richard - Richard’s description of the pelicans beak, or his demonstration of time. These stories and descriptions really get through to a part of me, I get that feeling of excitement because I know that world, and it becomes clearer to me, I get the butterflies tickle, that I am close to it. It seems to help me begin to rememorate the PCE - maybe this is my way to connect to pure intent. It was Richard’s description of the actual world ‘the entire world is a magical fairytale-like playground full of incredible gladness and a delight which is never-ending’ which sparked recognition in me as that was how I had described a PCE that I had prior to finding the website, yet had not found a similar description in any spiritual writings. I remember being so excited because I knew he was writing about the same thing that I had experienced.
In Geoffrey’s tale of becoming free he talks about the vortex of being, and I recognise that - in my first PCE everything stopped (as in the perception of time moving) and everything was perfect. After a few moments I started to feel myself to be in a vortex as if I was being sucked down a whirlpool. I panicked, feeling like I was dying. I burst into tears and collapsed to the floor, reaching out to my girlfriend. Connecting to her broke the spell and the plughole/whirlpool effect stopped. Ever since that day I wanted to know what would have happened had I allowed myself to be completely sucked away. I believe now that actual freedom would have been on the other side (and I know now that it clearly doesn’t have to be such a dramatic event as feeling like being sucked down a plughole).
I’ve lost the thread of what I was on about now so will finish writing.
Thank you again for your support and encouragement.
Ian