Hi Vineeto
Actualism has been the ultimate goal since I had a PCE before finding the actual freedom website - whether it has always been number 1 priorty is kind of a two part thing. It’s always the underlying thing, every experience gets analysed whether badly or well through the lens of actualism. I haven’t had a lot of success with enjoying and appreciating consistently (aside from a few weeks here and there where for some reason it all seems easy) but that doesn’t mean it’s not the ultimate goal. Hopefully this latest realisation will help me actually make progress. Sometimes I just have to live my life being aware of and seeking to understand the mechanics of being miserable - it’s often all I can manage. I have been working toward a life circumstance that will allow me more time and energy to put into actualism.
I recently chatted with Claudiu who helpfully pointed out that I don’t have to feel good, which certainly took the pressure off; I was trying to force myself to be cheerful even when I was bogged down in whatever suffering I was choosing. So from that point I have been more welcoming of all the suffering as being my choice, although I still have the intent to dispell the momentum. It makes it more objective for me to understand what being an identity entails, without the rejection of it.
This recent realisation on the one hand surprised me, and on the other it makes perfect sense. I wrote about it here for two reasons - 1. It might be useful to other people 2. If I make something known here it makes it more concrete/confirms for myself; sort of gives me a step up I can stand on to look at the next level of the problem.
The thing is I have been wanting to get to the bottom of why I feel so continuously stressed for years and I have recently cottoned on to the fact that it is less about completion of tasks (at work for example) and almost entirely about whether I feel accepted in the group. The completion of tasks is how I maintain acceptance. It seems like such a big pervasive network of beliefs that I am not sure where exactly to look.
I am really trying to get at the root of the structure that encompasses authority, acceptance, rejection, performance, stress, shame, praise, hope, despair, trust, mistrust, resentment, power, control, loyalty, obligation, responsibility, what’s right, what’s wrong…the whole bubble of belonging.
I can cognitively understand that this is a belief system, this knowledge is yet to fully click, or translate into a change or an experiential understanding - there always seems to be a gap or broken pathway between me the thinker and me the feeler.
So, recognising how much I need to be accepted - my constant desperation for this and all the cunning and clumsy tricks I play, and the constant exhaustion of it, and the futility of it (a good day can easily be followed by a bad day, a moment of success can easily be tripped up the next moment by a task forgotten); the consistancy and constancy of this need is always prevalant in my mind.
Which led me to suddenly see that what I am seeking there is to be always in the good light, always doing well, always saying or doing the right thing, performing excellently, to not come across as arrogant or weak etc etc…and I saw that although there is the genuine pure intent to become free, this other part has been tagging along and trying to sort of win at the game of acceptance - if I can become free then either I will be perfect so I wont be rejected OR I will not be afraid of rejection. So yeah, I guess there is/has been this tug of war between wanting to be accepted and wanting to be free.
Would love to hear your insight if you are inclined to offer…
Richards tale about self-esteem is one I have read several times, and it makes sense but it’s like I get it and also nothing changes in me even though I get it.