I’ve been considering this. I think you are on the right track to question whether it’s really just about safety/security, but it’s also not exactly about being someone important right now. It feels a bit more like a resentment towards the environment of my work, where nothing is as it seems and everyone (including me) is scheming with their own personal angle. Being naive, straightforward, happy and harmless in this environment feels like bringing a knife to a gunfight. It seems like everyone is misrepresenting the work they are doing and the level of expertise they have, and it feels like doing the same puts me at odds with being happy and harmless. I’m resentful that is is this way and I resent other people essentially doing the same thing I am doing.
Is it just a case of needing some ‘nerves of steel’ to make unilateral change, be happy and harmless, let the chips fall where they may? In terms of my “modes of failure” way of thinking about it, I’m definitely more on the “won’t” side than the “can’t” side. It does seem totally possible, but I am scared to do it because I don’t know if it will work out. But talking through it, it does seem like it’s eventually going to be what I need to do.