I realized I’ve been going in circles a bit recently, treading over ground I’ve previously covered. I’ve had periods where it made sense to me that I could be happy and harmless, and that this would automatically lead in the direction of letting go of the controls, and that it was safe to do so because I had confidence in how I would handle the world and the people around me.
I started doubting this at some point, it started seeming again like I was choosing between safety and security (mostly in terms of job/financial stability) vs. happiness and harmlessness. I’m trying to really drill into this since it is almost always some variation of this worry that pulls me out of being happy and harmless.
As so often I’ve gotten into a logical argument with myself where the two sides of me are trying to prove/disprove that it’s safe to be happy and harmless. Tracing back through my correspondence in this journal it seems like what has worked before is ceasing the intellectual arguments and rememorating a naive moment, where I was able to be happy and harmless without knowing for sure that everything would ‘work out’. So at least for a bit, that’s what I’m going to try getting back to.