This is a response to @pelagash asking about my investigation of gay identity. I think it makes more sense in a new topic.
So to answer your question, the investigation is still very much in progress .
I’d be interested to talk about it in person potentially if you want, as I keep trying to write stuff but I’m not necessarily finding clarity yet. I’m very interested to hear your perspective and compare notes.
Having reduced the strength of my feelings and triggers relating to sexual identity, I’m starting to feel less fixed on men generally, and this is opening me up to the possibility I might be bisexual (I did have a romantic/sexual relationship with a girl about 10 years ago, but nothing since).
I have had hundreds of partners as a gay guy but rarely found a sense of emotional connection happening (apart from sexual fervour in bed and a kind of “friendship” outside of bed). There has never been an impetus towards intimacy with guys on my part, or from them, as far as I can tell. Maybe that’s something to do with my emotional makeup, identity, views etc - I’m not sure. As I said, keen to compare notes!
Looking around at the ‘gay community’ - despite the “love is love” rhetoric, I don’t see many romantic or love relationships happening at all. There are couples, but as far as I can tell behind closed doors it’s usually an open relationship, with each partner seeking alternative sexual partners regularly. It seems gay feelings/behaviour are dominated by compulsive physical narcissism/insecurity and fucking (based on some sexual value hierarchy where you can compete and elevate your status/worth through physical attractiveness and sexual conquest). That has certainly been true of me in any case.
I have no moral quandary with hookup culture by the way (having been such an active participant myself), except for the fact that there is a lot of hurt and desperation within that way of operating. But with where I’m in life, and where I’m at currently with actualism, I’m interested in exploring new areas - intimacy, harmony, companionship and so on.
I’m definitely not saying that it’s not possible to connect with a man, but it hasn’t been happening for me. Whereas it seems with women the situation is already primed towards that. Even with this girl today, at vibe level I can feel she is really looking for a mate, and I intuit that she sees me as a potential option in a biological sense. I’ve gone on lots of dates with guys and I don’t feel that vibe in the same way at all. What I feel from guys I’ve met up with is, rather, a desire to validate their own physical/sexual attractiveness value by being with me (same as I’m doing with them) and once that is done we both lose interest or just act as friends.
I’m honestly starting to question if that’s what homosexuality essentially is……rather than thinking of homosexuality as being on the same level as heterosexuality or a direct counterpart. Almost as if it were a side quest that a male identity can get caught up in. I’ve found with my attraction to guys that it’s principally status based. Yes there is sexual desire but it’s fuelled by a perception that the other guy is better looking than me (based on X, Y and Z characteristics which I usually don’t possess myself). This creates a feeling almost of self disgust or self hatred - I remember looking at “hot guys” and feeling like I wanted to kill myself basically, as that’s how worthless it made me feel.
With one’s own value so often at play and at risk, there is a need to constantly improve oneself, especially physically. It’s not even good enough to be good looking, one aims for invulnerability by trying to look as perfect as possible physically. The constant failure to live up to that is debilitating and fuels the cycle of dissatisfaction even more, along with male sexual desire which propels it.
Those theories all aside, I’ve been exploring the bisexuality in a practical sense. I had a date this morning with a girl and we are going to see each other again. Something about it feels right, compared to being with guys. Maybe just the way a man and a woman fit together on the emotional level. I can feel a bit of that with this girl already - not that we ‘fit’ but just that that there’s a vibe.
By the way, I’m well aware that I may be talking in universals about things that are just personal to my experience, so keen to hear your thoughts.