My name is Matthew/Matt.
Its nice to meet your acquaintance.
I don’t know where to begin. I’m lost, utterly lost, and I have no friggen clue as to what I am doing anymore.
I found AF through the teachings of a genuine guy called Artem Boystov, he’s a self identified Enlightened dude, who says there’s no such thing as enlightenment. His stuff can be found at truefreedom.com He identifies as a body and teaches that spirituality is only a path to enlightenment, and that it must be let go when one realizes they are ultimately a body. I find similarities between TF and AF.
Through his teachings, I’ve come to realize that I am not who ‘i’ think or feel, I am. I conceptually know this, and there has been some small success in applying Richard’s method of investigation.
I can’t recall a PCE, but there is memory of moments in childhood where I did feel more open to experience.
But I have hit roadblocks. I ended a 14 year relationship with my same sex partner because i felt it was mostly an egoic endeavor…even though there was love there, I just never felt settled. I was constantly trying to live the gay identity…even though I do find men sexually pleasing, i also know that I have repressed sexual feelings relating to women…
…so I am in a state of saddness over losing my partner, I at 40 years old have moved back with my parents. I am jobless, broke and drving myself insane, trying to dissolve ego.
I feel immobilized and deviod of direction and slipping into reoccurring depression and despair.
If someone feels like engaging with me, I would be highly appreciative.
Thank you for reading,
It’s great to connect with you here. I totally get how you’re feeling, and it sounds like you’ve been through a lot lately. I found my way here through Artem Boytsov too, specifically his thoughtful response on Quora to a question regarding depersonalisation, the symptoms of which I was experiencing intensely at the time. It was a great response that revealed that what I was despairing over was no longer being ‘normal’. After clicking around his website for a while, one of his responses linked to the AFT and it has been the vanguard of the revolution taking place in this flesh and blood body ever since. It’s interesting how different paths can lead us to similar places.
I’m sorry to hear about the challenges you’ve faced, especially the recent breakup and the feelings of being lost. Remember, feeling good should be your priority right now. There’s a wealth of shared experience both here and on the official AFT site about how to achieve this.
I’m intrigued by Artem’s perspective, he is definitely very different from most popular teachers out there and is reminded of that constantly. He seems to think that the difference between TF and AF is mostly terminological. A lot of TF folk seem to think the AF path is one of repression - a gross misunderstanding no doubt due to a lack of connection to pure intent. Personally, Actual Freedom has won out and has an edge over TF, giving me profound clarity on my own experiences time and time again.
Welcome to the forum, Matt. I’m not the most active poster, but this community has been very helpful for me and there have been more than a few moments of serendipity spent here. Stay in touch, and here’s to finding that delight in being alive again
All the best
Ty for responding!
Artem is an interesting dude. I feel he is very genuine in his expression, and I don’t doubt that he is actually free.
The AF/TF ‘dichotomy’ is cool to notice. There doesn’t seem to be a huge difference although they really like OSHO over there…they do differentiate between ‘black beard’ Osho, and ‘white beard’ Osho. And I do find there to be quite a few who hold onto spirituality as something that is actual in the world, instead of using it as a method only.
I’m over spiritual things… honestly. It just doesn’t help me anymore.