The “scenario” that @Kiman brought up regarding an AF person saving a child brought up some unexpected strong emotions in me. A lot of which I think are the residual hangovers of depression. This is just a snapshot of some of the thoughts that came to the surface when reading this post. A lot of what I am going to write now is merely to try and be honest about the types of thought patterns and emotions I can find myself in.
It is interesting that saving the child’s life is so important. When @Kiman mentioned about the hypothetical scenario regarding saving the child the first thought that popped into my head was “uggh somebody brought more life into this world. What a piece of shit.” It totally ruined the felicitous day I was having. Here I am feeling bad about a hypothetical child and the hypothetical parents and how they are scum for bringing the hypothetical child into a world where potentially being stabbed to death is not hypothetical but a genuine real possible outcome, how absurd.
I have found myself unwilling to confront my overwhelmingly negative feelings towards life. Most ordinary people never see anything wrong in bringing life into this world, I have a problem with the act of bringing life into the world. I feel like scum, a piece of shit having 3 kids. Like I was deluded and selfish and brought life into this world without considering the risks. I look at all who have children now with disdain, like ‘what the fuck have you done’ maintaining the cycle of misery and suffering on Earth. Like nobody should have kids until enough people are free of the human condition at least. Reducing the potential for suffering in this universe.
I feel like I am the one who has already stabbed them by bringing them into a universe where being stabbed to death as a child is a genuine possibility, what a fucked up universe (excuse my French). If you don’t want children to potentially suffer then don’t have them. What was I thinking, I can’t protect them ultimately. I feel guilty for selfishly adding life into a universe in which mental and physical suffering is inevitable. Where life is like Russian roulette and I don’t know what forms of suffering will happen to them in their life. My children might hate and resent being alive and wish to be dead everyday anyway (as some of my friends live right now) including one who passed away recently, drinking himself to death at the age of 37.
When I hear about somebody dying I think “wow lucky, they don’t have to suffer anymore”. I don’t feel bad about death and I’m more perturbed by suffering, somebody with a knife that would keep you alive and just torture you without killing you, fuck that sucks because one is experiencing the suffering. At least with death there is a cessation of experiencing and thus of suffering. I think, ‘wow their so lucky to be dead’. I would rather my child dies than suffer intensely. I don’t see life as some wonderful thing to preserve at all costs. I don’t value life.
When I hear about a death, what matters to me more is the manner of their death, was it drawn out and did it involve great suffering or was it instant like a shot to the head or the luckiest version, dying peacefully in their sleep.
Why is death bad? I can remember asking my parents this question when about 11. Beginning to probe and think about it in a curious way, trying to figure out why is it taboo, etc. Nobody wanted to talk frankly and openly about death in my family.
Why is life good? What is so precious about human life? Are we not one of the worse things to have ever come into existence in this universe? Hence the need for change. Hence the motivation for change. Can this revulsion be rechannelled and help in my need to change.
“I” suck…the human condition sucks…
This universe also sucks for allowing such things as physical suffering to happen too, such as genetic disorders, injuries, disease, etc. I don’t like what is possible in this universe. I wanted a safer universe. Why does this upset me so much?