ive been lurking the AFT for just over 10 years l. I’ve always resonated with Richard’s writing.
I’ve encountered many PCEs over the years, which I’m sure have had a major part in always bringing me back to actualism when I fall off the wagon.
An issue I consistently run into when I attempt to commit myself to being happy consistently is frustration.
I feel like I understand the recommended strategies, and struggle to get the desired effects.
I’ve tried to investigate what is causing me to feel frustration and see clearly that this moment is the only moment of being alive and that it is silly/doesn’t make sense to squander this moment. For some reason that train of logic doesn’t lead to an improvement in these negative feelings.
This is usually what leads me to let go of the actualism path, as it doesn’t seem to work.
This time around I’m very willing to stick with it, and even try other ways.
When in these moments, should I change my momentary goal from feeling frustrated to feeling just a little better? I’ve often wondered if going from frustrated to feeling great is simply too much at that moment. Although many times when I forget the whole thing, the emotion eventually goes away, but it doesn’t go away in a big picture way
Any thoughts or input would be appreciated. After a few recent PCEs, going back to the usual circus of emotions seems an insane way to live and the idea of pure intent makes more sense now than it ever has
Welcome to the forum and I commend you for beginning to post after years of lurking. This does signal your renewed intent to make an actual change in your life!
Yes, exactly! You can see the silliness of doing what you have been doing before. Indeed, this time around, you can choose to resolve the issue sooner rather than wait another few days, weeks, months or years living as you do until you remember a PCE again. Well done.
Well I’ve highlighted the issue right here. Although it’s true it makes logical sense that there is only this moment of being alive, and that it’s silly to squander it, you can’t logic your way into actually understanding, seeing, appreciating and actualizing that. What I would suggest is that you take it as a rule of thumb that if you are currently feeling other-than-good, this means you have not actually seen the silliness (in the way that matters) of not feeling good.
The logic portion is just one part of the cognitive portion that we call the ‘ego’ in actualist lingo. This relatively small piece sits on top of the vast ‘soul’, which is who you really are (soul = the seat of the emotions). You are your feelings and your feelings are you… and it is at this level that you have to see, understand and accept these things.
Once you do see the silliness of not feeling good – then you are back to feeling good. That is how you will know that it worked!
If you think you see the silliness, but you’re still feeling bad… you have not seen the silliness, there is something you are missing.
The recommended course of action is in this case to first get back to feeling good, by any means you can – then once you’re feeling good (and only then), trace back to what triggered you off the path of feeling good. What is it that happened that you allowed yourself to no longer enjoy and appreciate being alive?
The fact that that trigger caused you to not feel good, means that there is something about it, about what happened, that you value more than feeling good. Some moral, or principle, or idea, or just a habit or some deep instinct… the key is to first accept that that is how you currently are (this is being sincere), and only then can you contemplate and puzzle out “Is it really worth continuing to be that way/hold this value/hold that moral, and not feel good when such an event happens?” The success is when it viscerally clicks that “no it is not worth it”, at which point it is resolved.
Note: If your immediate answer is “of course it’s not worth it!” but you still feel bad when it happens… then this is a thought-out answer, you have not really seen it and understood it.
Probably the hardest aspect to doing this is to accepting that you really would let (often such a remarkably petty) thing such as that, take away from feeling good… but it’s ok! Nothing bad will happen from letting yourself see that. Quite the contrary, it is the step towards more consistently enjoy and appreciating being alive. But it can feel quite anxiety-inducing at first. Stick with it, it will all be alright
Oh yes the other thing that may help get back to feeling good is to allow yourself to feel the frustration fully
Frustration is a negative emotion, it is not pleasant, so it often (after the initial trigger) comes with a “ugh I don’t want to be frustrated!”
This affective rejection of the emotion only serves to add a layer of relation onto it, which causes a feedback loop and makes it stronger. Now not only am I frustrated about the goddamned screw being stripped goddamn it but now I’m also pissed off about it and goddamn it now I’m all frustrated too and agggghh!
So being frustrated about being frustrated won’t help. Also feeling like you don’t want to feel a certain way sneaks in the implicit assumption that it’s not up to you how you feel (“well if it were up to me I’d feel good but I can’t you see, I’m feeling frustrated …”), which is not the case (I am my feelings and my feelings are me) and just serves to make it longer lasting
But if you just accept you are frustrated and let yourself feel it fully — and I don’t mean to become more frustrated, but rather, don’t ‘try’ to stop being frustrated … accept it, accept you feel that way, let yourself feel it fully …
Then, amazingly, the sting is taken out of it! And the emotional energy dissipates much more readily. Meaning you get back to feeling good that much sooner
Thanks for your thoughtful and detailed response Claudiu
I was reading an article that Vineeto had on AFT and she pointed to also being with the frustration instead of trying to prematurely get rid of it.
the feedback loop you described is exactly what I identified. Getting frustrated with being frustrated.
What seemed to help this morning was reflecting on that I’m committed to rooting this out even if it temporary causes discomfort etc. more of a commitment to really investigating what the hell is going on rather rather than trying to wish the feelings away.
It seems clear that being with the emotion feels better than trying to force it out — and that small difference in it feeling better is a good sign.
This morning while going for lunch with my wife, the world sparkled a bit more than usual even with some of the frustration present.
