Funny enough I was just reading that resentment section again yesterday after your post and the pure intent sections again, plus I searched on Google for passivity before reading the post about the new search feature on the site.
That is interesting, I never made such a connection before. What I find interesting about others I have met also with a victim mentality, it doesn’t always express in the same way, some seem to be externalisers who blame other people for their situation. Myself, I tend to blame the universe, or myself, it either internalises or becomes some descriptive quality of the universe, either absolving my sense of self of responsibility (oh woe is me) or chastisting myself in a masochistic way.
I have really started to notice the patterns and themes with certain narratives that arise internally, with either my success/specialness or my utter failure/worthlessness being core aspects maybe because the emotional responses is these patterns are more intense.
Yes, apologies I didn’t word that too clearly but I understand and was trying to articulate that.
I haven’t had a PCE since August 2007 and the first 6 were very short mostly below 2 minutes or even a minute, only the last one I had was a more significant time frame maybe 5 to 8 mins. I have had a lot of excellence experiences and even more felicitous moments, at least so it has not been a journey absent of progress. The first 6 PCEs I had occurred whilst actively carrying out the method, the last and longest was more different because it happened after working long hours to fix my brothers laptop and then walking to my actual job and it was a spontaneous event, I was thinking about a tech problem when it happened.
I can only at best imitate the actual and have the sincere intent to be happy and harmless in this moment, however the act of the PCE is still somewhat spontaneous in occurrence, right?
Which my passive and resentful self has mistaken as being like there is nothing I can do to actualise it, so I turned into something to feel resentful about because I can’t do it, it is not within my specialness to be able to do. Which then becomes a form of self criticism of uselessness too, if I was a better or more competent actualist this would have happened by now. I am really seeing the mess I have been in.
I have mentioned several times over the years since the zulip forum, I have always had this tendency to be in imagination more than the real world so like twice removed from actuality was my norm. It is so reflexive to start going to imagined scenarios about having a PCE or being virtually free or fully free without actually doing the actual method and the imitation of the actual. Even to the point of imagining paying attention to this moment and doing the method rather than actually doing the method, its so bizarre once you start to spot it in action.
At least I am becoming aware of what I am doing and taking steps to rectify.