Hi Vineeto,
Thanks for taking the time to reply and for the links provided, I didn’t realise there was some new stuff uploaded on the site. I am a bit behind on reading posts on this forum at the moment so I am not up to date with the latest information. I am also reading in a more random order than my previous “chronological order only” approach.
Yes, there is much I can see that I have misunderstood over the years even on even the basics. I think I have reached that degree of awareness to know what I don’t know though and there is nothing to be gained from self deception. I sort of keep a mental bookmark of things that I will keep aware of for future reference, if they are unfamiliar, to see if there will eventually be an experiential reference to what is described, in much the same way I did with a PCE and pure intent in the beginning of sincerely practicing the method. Also, aspects discussed in more advanced topics sometimes reveal insights I had missed or misunderstood into the basics of the method or help with a current personal blocker.
I like to read and learn from yourself and others it is more out of curiosity rather than a reflection of the point I am at.
I once had this weird love induced ASC and I recalled accounts from other ASC experiences helped me quickly avoid getting sucked in for any longer than necessary, in that way I was glad I had read about subjects that I had not had any experience with yet as it provided a safety net of sorts.
I think I am getting a much better understanding of what I have being doing wrong.
The passivity for sure plays a part, I think also I am beginning to be able to look at my own practice without any underlying performance anxiety about any personal failures. Look at others who have been involved for less time and had more success and more honestly evaluate what I have done wrong or misunderstood and why they have been able to progress where I haven’t. Without any shame, embarrassment, etc and just the evaluation of the facts.
There is definitely an underlying resentment to life that had become a core belief for me. Even as much to believe the universe was actively against me and wanted me to suffer, an absurd belief I know.
The resentment and passivity I notice seem to happen from time to time and more likely when encountering a more stronger emotional event, but their frequency and duration are definitely reducing over the years, in that I am getting better at getting back to a felicitous baseline and more quickly.
It seems so obvious when you write it so clearly, it kind of made me chuckle at myself. There is a habitual aspect to a lot of emotional triggers sometimes it seems.
I think I have sometimes found a certain trigger can be a bit more elusive or nebulous for me and it doesn’t always become clear and straight forward to understand why that keeps triggering and there can be a bit of repetitiveness until that insight is gained. I literally didn’t process the link between passivity and resentment but now it is clear to me after this exchange. Another blind spot identified lol.
When explaining the aspect of cementing a mindset from negative emotional and physical experiences, I meant past tense of what derailed me for several years from actualism, not that it is my current experience or belief, just for clarity. I experientially know that not to be the case now. Additionally, I have been treated for depression and anxiety and I am now discharged and no longer on medication or under therapy.
As my mental illness occurred whilst already a practicing actualist after a traumatic event, I was very aware of the disclaimer, as I brought it up to my friend who introduced me to the actualism as he was diagnosed with depression before me and I believe it was a big reason why he never made progress. Eventually I conceded that I needed to get medical help and stopped involvement with AF for some time.
Since recovering I have found myself interested in actualism again and despite being more busy recently I am trying to participate on the forum more, rather than be a silent witness as I was during most of my time on the Topica and Yahoo forums.
I am now following your recommendations. As regards starting where I am at, I realised there were beliefs around being exceptional too. Some imagined narrative that I would excel in the application of the method and achieve success quicker this time around.
Pure intent is that agency and will to get back to feeling happy and harmless from remembering the PCE, I can see how diametrically opposed it is to passivity and resentment and how it can help me to get back to being sincere and trying to be happy and harmless. It has clicked in a way that it hasn’t before. I have read those descriptions on pure intent so many times as well. My brain really dismissed the agency aspect, as though pure intent can only happen spontaneously too not from actively remembering/remomoration of my own PCE’s and willingly trying to do the method
I had a realisation today of how I had imagined these successes and gains would be “mine”. Imaginary future outcomes are my specialty it seems. At least I am becoming aware of the pattern.
I have been back to a very felicitous baseline today, thanks again.