This is very interesting subject for me and covering asepcts that have been on my mind a lot lately.
One of the realisations I keep circling back to is this passivity to me.
An expectation that things will happen of their own accord but in these instances I lack the will or intent to actualise things. It is not just about actualism, you can substitute fitness, work development, interpersonal relations, personal interest projects and it is the same pattern.
I want the benefits without the work. I might be paraphrasing but I recall @Vineeto mentioning that in her early days she wanted to skip to the goal of being actually free too and in essence that was evidence of a resentment to being alive, rather than sincerely enjoying and being harmless in this moment of being alive.
It is like some form of learned helplessness I am suffering from. I am having to unpick and unlearn it and accept my active engagement and agency is required to do this method or actually have results in any aspect of my life. The success at least in relative terms of more felicitous moments, EE’s and less mental suffering you would think would be ample evidence to maintain momentum but it is not always the case. I have to have the will and agency to be doing the method and have the intent, there is no autopilot mode, quick win or cheat mode.
With certain mental health issues they can really diminish your sense of agency or will.
Now that I have made headway with depression and anxiety, I notice there is a strong element about their perpetuation that relates to agency and the sphere of influence to change one’s circumstances. There are many aspects of one’s life that are uncontrollable such that physically and emotionally painful (at least for those of us not free or in abeyance/PCE) experiences can happen and somehow one can cement a mindset of hopelessness and futility as regards the application of one’s will or intent.
It is as though I had formulated a belief that getting to out from control or basically free would happen of its own accord. It is not about my agency but some spontaneous event that will occur like radioactive decay.