If we are taking simple to mean something like “ easily understood or done; presenting no difficulty” (not to pull a Richard but that’s a definition i got by googling haha) - then I would say no it’s definitely not a simple thing, in terms of getting on board with actualism.
Once on board (there is a lot in that though…), I can see how it’s a simple thing to maintain feeling good, or get back to feeling good.
Ya I agree with this – difficult to see, but simple once you see it (and you see it was simple all along, even when it felt difficult).
I’m not sure what a better way to formulate it is so other people get it sooner. I thought it was difficult for a long time, until I didn’t 
about 2 years ago I sort of saw very clearly that it couldn’t be anything other than simple, and I just refused to believe that it wasn’t simple (without believing that it was). And since then I’ve seen it’s simpler and simpler and even simpler than I thought.
I also see that for example it’s not that the method is difficult, it’s that ‘I’ am difficult . The method just exposes ‘me’, so it can feel like the method is at fault – it’s not unlike blaming a doctor for diagnosing you with an illness. It’s not the doctor’s fault!
Yes the triggers, underlying feelings, sticky moods etc still happen and what I have noticed is that due to my over-arching seriousness they are being overly entertained as opposed to side-stepped in favour of the felicitous/innocuous feelings.
I remember talking with @Andrew a while ago about becoming a master of swimming in the psychic waters and the dangers of this.
It seems at some point once I have confidence that the method is as described, I begin diving deep into these things which were previously suppressed or ignored one way or another which is most likely a necessary step along the way.
After some time though it seems that over-using this approach is like trying to find an answer within the human condition, to fix it from inside out if that makes sense. That if I only let myself experience the depths of fear or sorrow or whatever other feeling for long enough that some realisation would happen which would end these things forever. I have done this a lot and I am still waiting…
The thing is how much longer will I continue diving in these deep waters, hoping that one day they will simply vanish and meanwhile NOT having fun with being alive right now.
What I see in myself is that this whole pursuit is marked by : desperation and seriousness. Having desperation and seriousness as my MO does not work to promote enjoyment and appreciation. However if my MO is to actually have fun being alive right now, then a lot of these things fade away as they no longer matter. All these ‘problems’ begin to melt away because they only mattered to the ‘me’ that takes life so damn seriously.
The ‘me’ that demands things to be a certain way to manufacture security for problems that ‘he’ is constantly creating.
It really clicked for me when Richard writes that all this being serious stuff actively works against peace on earth, this goes a lot deeper than I had seen previously.
It is simple to look back at times when I am genuinely in a good mood. How easy is it to laugh about things going ‘wrong’, why is it that in that place peoples negative reactions or things not going to plan are like water of a ducks back? It’s because I simply don’t care for these things, life is seen as a playground to be enjoyed and appreciated and seriousness prevents this. Because in seriousness every problem that ‘I’ manufacture is a matter of life or death, and ‘I’ will always make more problems. Then of course I will go deep sea diving again to fix those! 
Writing this though it does seem like the step of deep sea diving is necessary, even if just to arrive at the definite conclusion that there is no answer to be found there, but at least the terrain is known.
Ok so after 8 years practice you started finding it simple 
.
Im not saying the method is at fault just to be clear Are you trying to get me AFT sin-binned here??? 
I think @claudiu just summarised what I was trying to say in my big essay 
Haha. No sin-ban obviously. By ‘at fault’ I was referring to that you said the method is difficult (“in fact I personally would say that the difficulty of the actualism method is well understated.”) And I’m saying, no it isn’t, it’s ‘me’ that is difficult!
Perhaps we can say the difficulty of grasping the method has been well understated. But I don’t even know if that’s true, because I remember reading much on the AFT that says it’s difficult to grasp (because it’s so simple). So maybe it’s just a thing of, you see it when you see it…
The funny thing is that when I thought it was difficult I thought it’d be more helpful for people to say it’s difficult. But now that I see it’s simple, I find myself saying the same things that I thought was unhelpful before… because I see it as more helpful to emphasize the actual simplicity rather than sort of beat around the bush and try to downplay it – because that would be misleading. It seems there should be an even better way to convey these things, but I don’t know what it is yet.
This is actually quite funny, I just have an image of Richard seeing this stuff from the outside with a big “I told you so” but of course that’s the whole point of it being experiential you can’t just take someones word for it so there really isn’t a way to ensure someone gets it. The funny thing is that this swings the other way too, as in I will read the advice with squinted eyes and then go off and do what I want to do anyways! and THEN blame the method and then finally later on be forced to admit that it was me. It is almost quite hilarious in its predictability in all people.
I have been finding that when I am deep sea diving or over analyzing, usually I am being “fear” and therefore trying to get rid of the feeling by “figuring it out”. I think I agree with @Kub933 and @claudiu that it is meant to be quite simple. When things are complicated and sophisticated, I think you will always find some sort of avoidance of feelings going on. After all, if the goal is to “be” harmless, how can being aggressive or forceful towards yourself ever lead to harmlessness. That being said, I’ve also taken this too far in the other direction, where I passively languish in feelings, trying to feel them out and hoping some miracle insight will be bestowed unto me. Often when I’m desperately trying to figure out a feeling, there’s a sense of urgency and tension. It’s telling that I actually have to stop doing it, to give it up, to actually feel better/get back to neutral. It is a balance I’m still trying to figure out. How much to push yourself to feel good versus just softly setting the intent and guiding yourself back? The latter sounds like a nice idea but I end up just wallowing.
I think a possible way to resolve the wallowing is — try allowing yourself to do it! Wallow to your heart’s content. But really wallow 100%, go all out on it , wallow and “enjoy” the wallowing fully.
Whenever I do this with something that seems attractive , eventually it’s like ok this doesn’t actually satisfy In the way it seems to. And then I can move on with a clear heart. But if I try to fight myself and keep myself from doing it then the cycle persists.
This actually sounds really helpful I shall give it a go, just need to find something to wallow in now I think @henryyyyyyyyyy mentioned to me that you suggested something similar with regards to letting one’s fantasies play out to their conclusion which I found helpful.
This sounds very interesting to me Felix. Maybe you can relate with this.
It seems you are discovering your undercurrent. The being under the facade. The true being of mediocrity and relaxation. I know this place quite well. Normally we don’t face this territory, because we are afraid to drop off the ledge, sinking down into some dark place. Hence we push ourselves away from it, we push forward. But there is something very valuable to find there.
There is this vast “grey area” where it is very silent and relaxing. Nothing happens there really. It’s me in equilibrium, me at my best, my home so to speak. It feels good to be me, just being who I am. No pressure, no method, no pretending, no nothing. Just pure authenticity and sincerity. Just feeling - at last.
One experiances the whole gamut of even micro emotions. One forms a new picture of me, a more complete picture.
I really enjoy my time there. It’s quite beautiful, with a dash of melancholy maybe. But nothing bad, really. This place is important to readjust oneself. After some time one naturally goes back to feeling good and it feels much more authentic and gradual, because it wasn’t forced. It was because… well, it gets kind of boring after some time of exploration. One is the feelings and the feelings wear themselves off at some time. This is a good place to learn all about me. And one has come a step closer to being ‘my’ emotions.
Enjoy yourself!
Hey everybody, it’s cool to have visitors on my diary and I’ve enjoyed reading your contributions. I’ll see if I have time to respond more on the weekend to the specific things people have said.
A miracle happened today. I actually woke up feeling good 
! This is like the first time ever haha. I even had dreams that were good - I think my body is starting to produce some good brain chemistry. A big part of this has been deciding to finally nip in the bud my tendency to use sex and sexual activity as a kind of drug. I have continued to justify the necessity of those feelings and behaviours, time and time again. And again. And again. It used to look like that was the only thing that could make life bearable - I felt like I was alleviating anxiety and making things better, but I was actually perpetuating all those issues.
Its similar to what I’ve heard from that Alan Carr guy, with his method for giving up smoking. I’ve never smoked, but I listened to his method. It became clear that I was still justifying my behaviour, still justifying the necessity of it, still believing in the benefits of it etc etc. I would “soft quit”, where I was still dosing in small ways and eventually the dopamine would increase until I was essentially overpowered and once again treating my brain like some kind of slot machine - trying to win big but always losing in the end. The resentment in the absence of that chemical was very high as well
The way I feel now, it’s like I remember being when I was a kid - before I started turning to thrill seeking behaviour as a kind of substance abuse and coping mechanism. Amazing! All it’s taken is not expressing or repressing - something that was super hard for like a day (literally had severe aches and pains from the withdrawal) but now is easy as. It’s so easy haha. I can’t believe it. I feel good!
I can see if I had totally committed to happiness and harmlessness I would have probably given this up ages ago. But I just felt I couldn’t with this part of me, I believed I couldn’t. In fact I tried many times and failed, cause I was basically just trying to control and repress the behaviour. It took (and is taking) investigation into why I was invested in those feelings and chemical highs, and an experiential understanding of the failure to deliver any kind of happiness. Another way to look at it might be, it’s taken work to get to a point where I don’t need or want that drug anymore. I can finally see with clarity that it doesn’t help stress at all, it actually causes stress, via a brutal system of chemical reward and punishment. I can finally say: no thanks 
To sleep well, wake up feeling good, and then still be feeling good hours later is just fantastic. I don’t even need to pat myself on the back, as this felt sense of well-being is it’s own reward.
Alan Carr is also the name of a comedian in the UK and I was like why is he writing about quitting smoking…but a different Alan Carr.
I have done the same but with porn/instagram and with eating. They are reliable highs, probably the most reliable in the real world terms. Good old hedonism.
Definitely doing the same. Though I find recently I am doing better and doing this less frequently. It just seems to be my habitual go to when feeling bad, sexual indulgence or eating.
It is weird I have been thinking about this but I haven’t really noticed any punishment. Can you elaborate on that please?
Niiiiiccccceeeeee. I am still having random mornings of feeling bad open waking but I am having some lovely mornings too, when it first started happening it was such a shocking contrast but a clear barometer for progress.
nicely done Felix
Ok another day another dollar. I’ve got some time to think about having a PCE today.
I am finding my current enjoyment and sensuosity is more at the moment than normal. There is a lot less distance between me and the material world around me.
I think one factor here in why things are better right now is that I’m not trying much. I think in my typical PCE practice, I’m getting in the way too much, even in a “positive” way. Im trying too hard and pasting some sort of mental attitude of desire/hope on to the scenario, and related feelings of disappointment/doubt. There’s often a lot of stipulations about the way things need to be for it to happen, an occasional sense of unfairness that it’s so apparently difficult, and a kind of all or nothing perfectionism where I feel a bit worried I’m gonna “choke” (as in fail).
Right now things feel effortless, and the enjoyment is more of a bodily nature rather than some kind of faux joy that I’m having to conjure up. There is an ease, and psychically I feel thin and not doing anything except being here. It started out with a sincerity about having woken up a bit out of sorts, and just being sick of the fact this is the case. Surely this can’t be the way life is.
Haha yeah I know the other Alan Carr. I think his advice is more likely to be how to smoke and drink more, not less 
.
With the reward/punishment thing, I was talking about the chemical nature of addiction and what it’s like to experience that as a feeling being.
I think in a way i am so resistant to feeling. I think that’s why I tend to experience stress moreso than emotions.
When I really let myself feel, like today, something within me relaxes and I start to cry. It’s such a relief. It might sound bizarre but in this way of being there is more of a connection to pure intent and sensuosity for me than usual.
Its not like indulging sadness, it’s more allowing the sadness which is already there to be felt. This a step closer already - I can feel that intuitively. This is “right”.
I think one of the main ways I maintain myself is by suppressing my feelings. To let them live, to be openly aware of them - neither expressing more repressing - is to acknowledge the PCE, and step closer towards self-immolation. I can just feel it.
Ok, you mean like the comedown itself as in the high doesn’t sustain? Or do you mean shame/embarrassment or self-flagellation and disappointment with yourself for chasing the reward feeling?
I never felt so bad about the comedowns, I would just move to the next fix, go eat, if full, go masturbate, if on the comedown of masturbation, distract myself with media (comics/books/films/tv shows/comedy) or do some programming, like a constant switch of up of addictions, like a merry-go-round of brief highs.
I could measure bad days with depression and anxiety by these not working at all. Interesting when of very low mood you don’t even care to masturbate or indulge in escapism or anything. There is a futility to everything. Most of the time you just want to mong out and rest. You just want to sleep away your life and not be conscious.
Ok so I had somewhat of an actualist breakdown today lol. I have no idea what I was talking about earlier in the day with my posts, but essentially I just couldn’t even get in a good mood no matter how hard I tried, and then I felt really stressed, and I ended up having a cry (probably the crying sounds semi worrying to some people but personally it’s actually good to have emotions working normally again).
In any case, def not saying crying multiple times in a day is a good sign - and I did not take it as such. I realise I’ve been putting myself under a lot of pressure to perform actualism wise. If I can’t hit my targets, and my expectations, then I turn up the heat on myself. It’s quite subtle - I don’t say “fuck you Felix you are an absolute idiot”, it’s moreso that I just feel more and more pressure - until the frustration/angst gets so much that i start seeking outs (a key red flag today was that I wanted to seek out sex as a kind of distraction - though I didn’t).
Im starting to see various underlying issues. There are a lot comparisons and self-imposed rules. I start measuring myself against the words of the website (“if you were sincere then this would be effortless…”, “if you can’t feel good each moment again then how can you expect to self-immolate?” Etc etc). I set tests for myself (“well if you have any chance of self immolating you need to know how to have a PCE”). I try to fit certain pictures (such as what happy and harmless is supposed to look like). I have really fucking high standards, and then burn myself when I don’t meet them - it’s pretty perverse. I start to tell myself that if I was a better adjusted person I wouldn’t be having so much trouble etc etc. I haven’t even realised I’ve been doing this, it’s quite hidden.
So much for being my own best friend. Anyway, since realising this, I’ve relaxed again. It was funny how big the difference was once I realised I was actually creating strong feeling reactions via my actualist identity.