I am currently experiencing the devolving of another incredible peak experience - I’m pretty sure this one was a PCE. Very different to last night though some qualities were the same (like wonder and the trippy nature of it). It was much more pure and still, yet the opposite of boring. Very wondrous and vibrant but also totally indescribable. This is impossible. Just impossible. I cannot believe this is possible……………!!! (x a million billion trillion).
I am now in absolute tears so needless to say it has devolved or I have regained control I guess 
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It’s tears of just utter relief and disbelief and I don’t even know what I’m feeling right now. I’m reacting, I can’t help it.
This (the existence of the actual world) is just the most incredible incredible thing. It’s as if all the stress and bad feeling I have ever experienced is cracking, I am cracking with it. I can feel myself stopping it and getting in the way right now but on a broader time scale I’m giving in and releasing to it more than ever. I’m starting to trust it or “know it” I guess. It goes so far beyond the words “enjoyment and appreciation”. It is of a purity that is unfathomable after 28 years as a regular human being
When I stepped out tonight to take a walk, on some level I knew I was going to have a peak experience. I was “pregnant” with it. It’s as if I’m not having to work hard any more. It’s as if the actual world is just suddenly appearing at times in all its purity and wonder around me, and my innate skepticism/cynicism can hardly take it as it withers in the process - hence the effusive crying and interrupting of the process, probably. I keep interrupting these peak experiences almost to verify or “fact check” myself (“am I going crazy?” “Is this real?” “Is this possible?” etc). The experience itself starts to butt against my very comprehension of what I understand experience to be.
I know some of what I’m saying probably sounds a bit enlightenment-y (crying about beauty, giving in and releasing etc) and I’m aware that there is a danger of getting caught up in that. Hopefully I’m aware enough to realise when I’m regaining control. It’s definitely ‘me’ who is writing this and reacting to this right now and I know that.
This experience I’ve just had shows me what an incredibly incredibly emotionally tortured and cynical being ‘I’ am. That ‘we’ all are. It’s just beyond words. No one could truly admit it to themselves. It’s an utter tragedy. The fact that there is a way out of this state, that is available, that I have been so incredibly lucky to happen upon, and that hopefully others will discover as soon as possible, is just beyond my comprehension right now.
Even on the precipice of this actual possibility, of living permanently in this actual world, I’m in disbelief as to it’s existence . I am so glad I’ve stuck with this confusing (and frankly bizarre lol) process for these two years of stress and anxiety, when I had no idea what I was doing or how. However, the irrefutable intelligence of those words, and the obvious demonstrability of it by those already actually free, kept me going enough.
But I know that this is not about ‘me’ - it’s the very opposite of that in fact. All I know is that now, reacting as a feeling being admittedly, my gratitude for the existence of this incredible solution called “the actualism method”, as well as the website and actually free people who take the time to communicate about it, is sky high.
I don’t even get what I’ve done to get to this point (even though I know I’ve spent every minute or every day thinking about this for 2 years now), or what all the fuss and non-progress of the last year especially was about. I’m wondering if the previous peak experiences I had actually increased my level of fear as a regular feeling being? Almost like a survival resistance - possibly. All I know is that resistance in general is starting to end it seems and I am starting to absolutely welcome that.
Wow. Just wow.