Hey Vineeto - thanks for your detailed reply.
Yes you’re right, I essentially have had a strong masochistic streak and so my application of the method has been very self-punitive and anxiety ridden. Forced and not built on a sincere/benevolent intention.
But I am starting to undo those habits. I was curious as to how you would answer my questions, but it’s not because I was…making arguments in favour of that way of operating haha.
The intensity, shame and anxiety has been an elaborate survival strategy I think - and, as you point out, one that had utility in previous points of my life like childhood but not anymore.
I’ve also been looking at family stuff because aspects of my relationship with my family have helped perpetuate and reinforced some of those anxiety and self image problems.
But meanwhile, there is an adult functional me emerging and im enjoying discovering (or rediscovering) the fun of life.
Cheers, Felix 