It is pertinent to note, at this point, that the root cause of sorrow – and, hence, malice (e.g., the ‘basic resentment’ above) – is being forever locked-out of paradise Selected Correspondence: Hedonism & Anhedonia
I have thought about that gap from time to time and, of course, perhaps I don’t notice that I may still have traces of “sorrow of being” and “resentment to being alive”. But in that case someone like Alan (or anyone in virtual freedom, like Vineeto or Peter once) would also have it until immolation.
I don’t know if they have written about having at least remnants of those feelings from that state (when the gap still exists), or if they didn’t perceive them either…
Hello! I haven’t written in the forum for a long time, although from time to time I take time to read your posts.
I was particularly interested in this section, because it is where I have felt most stuck lately.
It’s hard for me to feel good throughout the day, let alone constantly.
Normally I tend to think that a large part of the reason for my emotional state is an external factor: work in the civil service, with all the stress that implies, the low blows, the need to be alert and protect oneself from attempts to provoke one succumbs to their intentions.
But I felt tired of that storyline, because that would mean either I quit and seek a life change or I’ll continue to feel bad or at best neutral the rest of the time (I think neutral is my most constant emotional condition, but with difficulties to go from there to feel really good!).
After reading @claudiu 's reply, I wonder how I can manage to enjoy my day to day life despite the stressful circumstances. Am I dealing with a more superficial resentment than just ‘being here’? Resentment for having to comply with a routine, follow certain procedures, deal with human beings who are almost always angry, and with colleagues who seek to put their feet up more than help.
How to enjoy being alive despite the circumstances that trigger stress, anxiety, anger, sadness? Currently I spend my days with this question. I’ll try not to get bogged down in it intellectually and look for opportunities to have fun.
Hey @jesus.carlos good to have you writing again The one thing I would point to is that it is not the circumstances which trigger stress, anxiety etc, it is ‘you’. The problem is that when dealing with rude/difficult people ‘I’ have all the justifications in the world to say that they are the problem. I work in customer service so I experience a similar theme of dealing with disgruntled people all day long and a boss that is less than helpful. In my experience it has been tricky, resentment towards work has been one of those things that has persisted for very long, partly because of the above. But it is certainly going, lately it is very minimal so something can certainly be done without having to change jobs haha
There seems to be a clue here, as you did not include a third option: not to quit and feel good anyway…
May be (just maybe, to consider any practical life scenario that makes it difficult for us to feel better) it could be that for too long you have been pulled by a job that gives you benefits like, let’s assume, sufficient income and stability, but at the same time the detriments you mentioned.
Suppose then that you have also tried for too long to feel better in that job but it has not worked because you cannot yet feel good in such a hostile environment given your current ability/capacity, but because of fear (e.g. of instability and lower income) you have also not been able to make the decision to change your job.
So, perhaps that difficulty in feeling good more often and perhaps an underlying resentment could be rooted in a part of you feeling that you should succeed in not feeling stressed, anxious, angry or sad in that circumstance, but another part of you feeling that you should change the circumstance itself.
This hypothetical scenario (that I have experienced) is just one example of underlying/unconscious conflicts/problems that make it very difficult to overcome a certain level of well-being.
The one thing I would point to is that it is not the circumstances which trigger stress, anxiety etc, it is ‘you’.
Very sure! but I have not managed to go from noticing these triggers and my reactions, to having fun and/or feeling good in spite of it all. The most I manage is to maintain a certain neutrality, but I seem more like a buddhist practicing patience than an actualist enjoying this moment.
Have you managed to increase your baseline of feeling good despite the work you do? Or put another way, have you managed to ensure that these work circumstances do not considerably affect your general state of well-being?
Ok so my first thought is that there is 1 thing which might be missing here. You have noticed that these triggers affect you, you have tried to feel good despite and it didn’t quite work so it settled for a sort of neutrality/acceptance.
In my opinion the missing ingredient is a full investigation of the themes that underpin the triggers. For me there was this whole emotional landscape that I had to investigate in order to improve in this area. I will write more about the specifics tomorrow when I have access to a computer.
In short yes, and it was through an investigation into the themes that made me resentful for having to ‘put up with rude people’ and the ‘unfairness’ of the situation. For me it mostly revolved around the power structure of client vs customer service assistant and boss vs employee which really could be described as somewhat of a master vs peasant power structure.
Thanks for your reply Miguel! t illuminated several aspects that had not been considered with such precision.
as you did not include a third option: not to quit and feel good anyway…
Well that’s exactly the option i’ve been choosing, but without success.
Suppose then that you have also tried for too long to feel better in that job but it has not worked because you cannot yet feel good in such a hostile environment given your current ability/capacity, but because of fear (e.g. of instability and lower income) you have also not been able to make the decision to change your job.
So, perhaps that difficulty in feeling good more often and perhaps an underlying resentment could be rooted in a part of you feeling that you should succeed in not feeling stressed, anxious, angry or sad in that circumstance, but another part of you feeling that you should change the circumstance itself.
This is an almost anatomical description of the situation. What can be done? I have certainly wanted to convince myself that I should manage to feel good despite this environment/circumstances, etc. But I have not achieved it in 7 years (from 2019 to date practicing AF, which to tell the truth, has helped me a lot not to collapse). I keep ruminating…
Something I’ve found useful in situations like these is noting that I feel ‘trapped,’ that no option feels like a good option.
This is an impossible situation, because I’m thinking that to go left is scary because of ‘x,’ and going right is scary because of ‘y.’ So I just sit, paralyzed. But that’s no good!
We’re alive only this once on this earth, Jesus! How can we spend that one life in the position of paralysis? There is always a good option, or at the least an option that is preferable over some other option. It’s well worth keeping looking until you can make your best guess about what that option is, and go for it - whole-heartedly.
Perhaps we will find that the option we chose didn’t work out very well, but what can be done about that? Being omniscient is only a fantasy - we work with what we have. And the nice thing about doing things is, that we learn from them. The next time, you’ll have the benefit of making the decision from a more informed position.
OK so to go into a little bit more detail about the sort of themes I investigated in order to reduce resentment towards work. I will need to stay somewhat general as I sometimes forget this is a public forum now I got excited to ‘spill the beans’ yesterday but then I realised it might not be the best idea
The main thing I noticed is that my resentment towards work all revolved around power, the unfairness I was experiencing was because I felt I was always the looser within the power hierarchy. Both me vs customer and me vs boss, that is the way the structure is set up, this is my role vs their role.
Yet none of this stuff is actual, and this can be seen. All those power battles only exist because of my belief in the various roles and the values that make them up.
The first thing I did was realise that I am going to continue doing my job and that it does not make sense to continue getting triggered every day. This meant I had to stop justifying my resentment and turn the focus inward 100%. If I am going to be happy and harmless I have to do it even around disgruntled customers or stern bosses.
It does not mean that I ‘accept them’, or ‘look for the positive’ it means that the focus is on how am I experiencing this moment of being alive?, not them!
The next thing was to begin looking at that whole emotional landscape which was responsible for me getting triggered and there is a lot of themes to investigate :
There was the beliefs around my role as the ‘servant’, that old adage of ‘the customer is always right’
There was the resentment for ‘having to feel their frustration’ phone call after phone call (this one took probably the longest to improve)
There was the resentment for ‘having to accept responsibility’ and apologise for things that are completely out of my control
There was lots more but this is the gist of it.
The cool thing is that the above seemed set in stone, for example the 2nd one of feeling their frustration. It seemed as if it was a cause-effect sort of relationship so of course my resentment was easily justified.
Until I questioned deeper and saw that as always it is all to do with my beliefs around the subject.
Sorry that I cannot write more but I hope some of this helps to get the process started for you @jesus.carlos.
Of course our work situations might be a lot different, I can only comment on my experience but I can confidently say that work nowadays does not cause any significant dips in my baseline, I am generally feeling good each moment over and sometimes even dipping into excellent. For example yesterday I spent about 2 hours behind my computer at work having a very extraordinary experience, I think it was an EE.
When dealing with disgruntled customers nowadays I am able to remain somewhat matter of fact, and I do not mean cold but rather able to get on with the task without feeling personally/emotionally attacked, and feeling good whilst going about it.
Yesterday I was repeating internally “enjoying and appreciating this moment” and I was able to feel good for more than an hour. I was also very aware of how I was feeling and would notice the slightest fluctuations in feelings. ( I know that you have advised not to use EAATMOBA into a mantra !)
So if I am not feeling good, then I do the “how am I experiencing this moment of being alive”, and
feel my feelings at current time as they are happening, and stay with the feelings until they pass.
So then maybe I can feel good again?
FrankN : “So if I am not feeling good, then I do the “how am I experiencing this moment of being alive”, and
feel my feelings at current time as they are happening, and stay with the feelings until they pass.
So then maybe I can feel good again?”
@FrankN: My understanding is if one is not feeling good and asks haietmoba and feels their feelings then is the time to ask when did I last feel good and what happened to make me not feel good.
Hi everyone, I am so glad that you guys are here and post everyday ( or often), this is
like oxygen for me. Because I have been getting to feel some of my feelings and
it’s been difficult to say the least. I come to the verge of panic and despair, even though
nothing is happening to cause that ( i was saying to myself, " see there is no enemy, or outside force, but I am the enemy of me") . Then I see claudiu’s response to leila and get a sense of
being kind and friend with myself.
I am feeling better( slightly sub neutral) now and going to do some more EAATMOBA .
I have had a lot of “memories” pop up into my head, about events that
produced shame and resentment … these memories seems to come from
nowhere and at I did not know what to do with them; I never thought they would
pop up like this. Maybe now that I am allowing my feelings to come up, these
memories pop up as they are backed up and triggered by those events in the past.
However the feelings associated with these memories are very intense and I want to
run away from them. I can manage to feel these feelings, but I want to not to remember
the past and not to re-live these memories,
So basically how does an actualist handle memories of theme or events that are
causing a lot of bad feelings ?
I “know” that I have to “own” these feelings and allow
them to be experienced, but i don’t think that doing this would
make these feelings go away!
@FrankN By looking the issues do go away, but it has to be done with the ‘right’ spirit. That whole emotional structure which is causing you issues needs to be explored and investigated fully, this can often be daunting but it can be done.
By looking with curiosity and by allowing yourself to feel these emotions fully (neither expressing nor repressing) you are applying awareness-cum-attentiveness to these underlying emotional structures, over time this leads to change.
thanks Kuba, your writing is always inspirational and very helpful, and also, could you please look at your “notes” from 2 years ago, and
share any of them that you think would be helpful for practicing actualist ??
Also thank you Miguel, I read your post, it is comforting, but it is going to
take a lot of “openness” and “sincerity” ( and maybe time)
to be able to do what you have done.
@FrankN Sorry I’m not sure which notes from 2 years ago you are referring to? I’ve always written in a diary as a way to assist with investigation but those are very much ‘stream of consciousnesses’ style writings, I don’t think they would be much use to anyone tbh
The one thing I would point to is that it is not the circumstances which trigger stress, anxiety etc, it is ‘you’. The problem is that when dealing with rude/difficult people ‘I’ have all the justifications in the world to say that they are the problem. I work in customer service so I experience a similar theme of dealing with disgruntled people all day long and a boss that is less than helpful. In my experience it has been tricky, resentment towards work has been one of those things that has persisted for very long, partly because of the above. But it is certainly going, lately it is very minimal so something can certainly be done without having to change jobs haha
I got excited to ‘spill the beans’ yesterday but then I realised it might not be the best idea 
